


The Road to Ruin

by Party_Barnes



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Angst and Feels, Castiel and Drug Use, Dean Has Nightmares, Dean and Drug Use, Drug Use, F/M, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Possible Character Death, Punk Castiel, Smut, So much angst, Unhappy Ending, bad language, probably
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-24
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2018-03-08 21:30:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 51,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3224135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Party_Barnes/pseuds/Party_Barnes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean has never had it easy but now, a year before graduation, he's battling something terrifying and life altering in the depths of his mind.<br/>With a distant but loving father, Dean puts all of his faith in his little brother Sam, rarely opening up to anybody else. </p><p>An unexpected fainting spell lands Dean with a trip to the hospital where he meets mysterious asshole, Castiel. </p><p>Dean supposes the kid's all right, until he tells a little white lie that changes Dean's life forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'm Half Doomed and You're Semi-Sweet

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for the quality of this fic, I'm not a very good writer. My ideas are difficult to get into words. 
> 
> I don't update regularly I'm sorry, but feel free to drop me a comment when you want an update and I'll get right on it.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this but I welcome constructive criticism!

When the sun began to trickle past the curtains and effortlessly tear Dean Winchester from his sleep, he seriously considered bricking up every window in the house if it meant he could bury his head into his pillow for just one more hour of blissful dreaming. But of course, being seventeen and not entirely deemed 'adult' enough in the eyes of his father, school was not a debate. Then again, it wasn't as if Dean ever did anything John told him to. He did, however, care about his little brother's education - and it was Sam's first day at Lawrence High and he needed Dean to drive him. So the oldest Winchester brother dragged himself out of bed and into the shower, pondering over all of life's mysteries as the hot water trickled down the smooth lines of muscle on his stomach. 'Why does the earth turn?' 'Who made platypuses?' 'Why do people read for entertainment?' 'What is life?' 'Why is there blood in my shower?'

"Why is there blood in my shower!?" Dean spoke out loud and let his tired, green eyes trail over the line of red that was swirling around the drain. He was never really the type of person to panic over random, unusual occurrences, but you would think that blood in his shower would trigger some sort of panic. Instead, Dean watched the stream of diluted red as it disappeared down the drain, only to be replaced by an identical swirl of blood.

He checked his body with caution, letting his gaze take in the basics of it. First he checked his arms, they were tanned and muscular but not bleeding. Then there were his legs, those were equally as tanned and equally as blood free. His torso was clean, his 'hunting equipment' was safe, his face was fine and from what he could tell, so was his everything else.

Okay, so maybe Dean was panicking now. He'd only been awake for five minutes and already his body was producing blood from nowhere. His only conclusion was that he was allergic to school. Yeah, that was it. Looks like he couldn't go. But - Sammy. Damn it. He had to go. The stream of blood was still flowing and swirling into the drain, and when Dean checked his torso once more he noticed the faded red lines of where it must have trickled down his chest. He ran a hand through his hair and rubbed it over his face in confusion.

Great. It was a nose bleed. Just what he needed. Dean hadn't had a bloody nose since that fist fight with Alistair in 10th grade. Maybe he really was allergic to school. However, it did occur to Dean that he had spent way too long bleeding in the shower; so he cleaned up, pulled on a pair of jeans and an old AC/DC T-shirt and joined his brother and dad in the kitchen.

Oh, or maybe just his brother. When he entered the room, little fuzzy haired Sammy was sitting at the table gazing into a bowl of cereal as though it had just started dancing like in one of the commercials. He was worried and Dean could tell. Somehow, Dean always seemed to be able to tell what others were feeling more often than what he was feeling himself. It was a gift and a curse, mainly because he never let on that he knew anything was up with anyone.

"Hey, Sammy." He said as he poured a cup of sticky black coffee. He didn't even like the stuff but somehow he felt obliged to drink it just like every other American teenager. Sam hadn't taken to the typical American teen lifestyle just yet and chose to stick with lucky charms and orange juice.

"Hey." Sam spoke in a whisper so quiet that Dean almost thought he had imagined Sam's response. It wasn't like him to get nervous, but Dean just put it down to jitters about starting a new school.

"You all ready to go?" Dean asked, smiling as cheerfully as always. He didn't know why, nobody knew why, but the simple boy with the simple yet terrible life was always so damn cheerful. Everything was funny and laughable, he always had that heart stopping grin plastered across his face. Sam on the other hand, liked the seriousness of a situation. He was incredibly smart, not just book smart but bordering on genius. Everybody always talked about how he was so mature for his age, and as much as Dean hated to admit it, he knew Sam was more mature than him on any given day.

"What? Yeah... yeah. Let's go." Sam grabbed his bag from the chair beside him, abandoning his untouched cereal and heading out to meet Dean at the impala.

Of course Dean followed immediately, taking one last sip of his god-awful coffee and scrunching up his nose before grabbing his own backpack and saluting a goodbye to the house as though he was off to war; and wasn't sure he was going to make it out alive.

"Sammy, what's up with you? You're too quiet." Dean had turned down his Black Sabbath album a few minutes after even pulling out of the driveway. Sam's discomfort was bringing a downer mood into the car.

Sam just stared out of the window, watching as the brothers passed the houses of the people they knew on their way to school. "It's Sam." He corrected before taking a deep breath. "Dean, what if nobody likes me?"

The kid sounded so small and innocent, but Dean couldn't help but laugh. His brother was like a puppy, he may have found it hard to take a joke every now and again but he was a really sweet kid.

"Oh, come on Sammy. Everybody likes you! You'll make tons of friends, just you wait." Dean patted his brother on the shoulder before giving it a tight squeeze. "Just let 'em all know you're related to me, they'll love you."

A smile crept onto the younger Winchester's face, "we aren't related. I've never seen you before, you've never seen me and if we just keep it like that, I will have no problems making friends."

"Ouch Sammy, that hurts. Hurts me right here." Dean tapped two fingers over his heart and faked a frown that ended up looking more like a girly pout.

"Oh Dean, we both know there is nothing but hollow space in your chest."  
Sammy had won that one, as he often did - Dean was just glad to have cheered up the Samsquatch before he had managed to sulk his way into class.

Dean's first class of the day was English. They were reading 'Of Mice and Men' with a new teacher. She seemed pretty cool at first, but it didn't take long for her to call on Dean to answer a question - which all teachers at Laurence High knew was a bad idea.

"You, blonde hair at the back," Mrs Mills pointed at Dean with a ruler and smiled, "Winchester isn't it?"

Dean knew she was waiting for him to confirm she had gotten his name correct, but he wasn't used to this happening. His heart seemed to skip a few beats; maybe he would have a heart attack and get out of answering whatever question Mrs Mills had for him.

"Uh, yeah." The whole class was looking at him, eyes pouring into his soul and laughing at it's discomfort.

"What is George's role in Lennie's life? How would you describe their relationship?" Mrs Mills seemed to find Dean's discomfort nothing short of amusing, and there was no way she was going to move the question on to someone else like most teachers would.

They had been told to read the book over the summer, and Dean evidently hadn't bothered to do it and now was being humiliated in front of a bunch of his friends. His best friend, Jo, was sat beside him rolling her eyes. She had been pestering him all summer to read the stupid book and now was working out her 'I told you so' speech. Benny was a couple of seats down, and he hadn't read the book either. Dean made eye contact with him for a second and noticed a look of 'ha ha sucker, I got away with it.'. But then there were Ash and Charlie, silently laughing in Dean's direction. None of these assholes had read the book, and Dean was the one getting called on.

"Any time today, Mr Winchester." Mrs Mills was becoming impatient and the eyes of Dean's peers were beginning to droop with boredom. Of course the other students were grateful for Dean's stalling because that meant less work for them that lesson, but the fact the Mrs Mills wasn't giving up made him slightly uneasy.

He was thankful for what happened next. His vision went blurry and his head lolled back over the chair, his legs slumped out and his heavy biker boots kicked the desk over. The other students saw Dean's empty notepad and the unopened copy of 'Of Mice And Men' topple onto the floor and the pages crumple up, but Dean just saw black.

"Oh gosh, um... You, take Mr Winchester to the nurses office." Mrs Mills said once three of the other students that surrounded Dean's desk confirmed that he was in fact unconscious and that he wasn't faking. To Dean, it was like he was sleeping, which was something he hadn't done properly for a few nights, and when he'd finally gotten his head down school had forced him inside its walls.

He must have been coming around slightly because Dean remembered a firm grip around his bicep as his arm was draped over someone's shoulder. Whoever it was must have been strong because Dean was pretty sure his feet weren't moving.

Dean woke to bright white lights and white walls, and white floor and white bed and oh God, everything was white. Yep, he was dead and he didn't even get to experience what everyone was so scared about in hell. He'd gone to crappy heaven were he would have to wear a blinding white toga or something and carry a harp. He wanted to play pool with Satan. He knew nothing would ever go his way, not even death. First, he had died and then second, he didn't even get to experience his afterlife of choice. Fan-fucking-tastic.

"Great! Even death sucks ass." He whispered to himself, sitting up and rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. It ached pretty bad, like he'd been sitting with his head tipped back and forewords like a rag doll.

"Bad news sunshine, you're still in the land of the living." An unfamiliar voice spoke from the opposite side of the room. A male voice, Dean could tell that much - but unfortunately his eyes hadn't quite adjusted to the amount of white in the room. The voice was deep though, rough and gravelly. Dean had heard it before, maybe.

Dean glanced in the direction of the voice and could make out a black figure. Like, entirely black from head to toe. The mystery boy sure stood out in the white room. Dean blinked a few times and allowed his eyes to adjust. Ah, he wasn't entirely black. He had light skin that was evenly tanned and olive like, but was clearly made to seem lighter by the amount of black he was clad in. His eyes. His eyes weren't black at all. Well, they were but only on the outside. They were blue, insanely blue, creepily and beautifully blue but framed by thick, dark lashes and - oh god the dude was wearing eyeliner.

"You're staring, it's creepy." The boy said, crossing one leg over the other and glancing down at his cell phone.

He was wearing skinny, black jeans and a pair of black converse. His t-shirt was also black, long sleeved and a v-neck. Then there was his hair. That was what Dean had been staring at to begin with, the boys hair. It was - as was everything else - black and messy as hell. Like, insanely messy, as though the guy had just been in a huge fight and then gone 3 rounds in the sack and hadn't bothered to sort his hair out afterwards. And those eyes. They were what Dean was staring at when the boy called him out on it, but his eyes were amazing. Dean had always been impressed by his own eyes, as vain as that sounds, but he liked the way the green melted with the specks of brown and how bright they were, (Charlie had called them 'fanfiction green', like he knew what that meant). But this guys eyes were dazzling. The rims of the iris were a dark, sinister blue that lightened and brightened as they moved closer to the pupil, and Dean could see every detail. It was like someone had painted the sky on a crystal plate, shattered it and then placed each individual crystal shard into his eyes.

"You're still doing it." The boy said, not even looking up from his phone when Dean didn't look away. He was slightly mesmerised. The boys voice was hard and emotionless, like he was simply stating facts from a book.

Dean tore his gaze away, forcing his eyes to focus on his own hands, "sorry." He muttered.

The boy smiled, but Dean didn't see it. "I thought you were gonna die. It's kind of disappointing that you're awake, it would have been interesting if you died."

Dean looked back up at this, was this kid saying he hoped Dean had died? What the hell!?

"Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you with my life." Dean forced a cold edge into his tone, slightly offended at the other boys words.

"Yeah, well. It's not every day a kid just seems to drop dead in English class."

"I didn't almost 'drop dead'. I just passed out or something."

"Yeah, you passed out twice. You came to in the corridor on the way to the nurses office and walked yourself inside, but you collapsed and hit your head on the sink and were out cold again. They called an ambulance to drive you to the hospital because your head split and you were bleeding. I'd say it was an even chance of you dropping dead."

"I'm in the hospital?" Dean had no idea he was actually in a real hospital, he just assumed this was the nurses office. How long had he been out!? And more to the point, why was this asshole there.

"Well, yeah. Duh. Anyways, they patched up your head pretty good and they wanna take you for a brain scan thingy." He didn't take the look on Dean's face as a sign to stop talking, so he carried on. "They said we had to wait until you woke up so they could call your dad or whatever and get him to come here and give them permission to poke at you because you aren't eighteen yet."

"I... I, um... What? Sorry, what? So first I got a bloody nose this morning, then I passed out in English class so the school called an ambulance and now I'm in the hospital having brain scans and I'm sitting in here with some asshole I don't even know?" Dean was yelling slightly, but the boy wasn't flinching, just staring absently and emotionless at stuff in the hospital room after discarding his phone into his back jean pocket.

"Cas."

"What!?" He clearly had no patience for what this jackass was saying, he wasn't even making any sense.

"Me, the asshole. It's name is Cas. There you go, now you know me. You're Dean, right? See, we know each other. And don't worry, man, they just wanna know why you passed out and shit."

"And shit. And shit!? Seriously dude what is wrong with you!? I'm in the hospital, because I fainted and they want to do freaking brain scans on me! What the hell does 'and shit' mean!? Man, I could be dying from internal bleeding on my brain or something, how hard did I hit the sink? What if it's like, oh fuck, I don't even know. Fuck fuck fuck!" Dean was freaking the fuck out. Shit, what was he going to do? He couldn't die, he was seventeen. Or, maybe he was over reacting. This asshole was just making things worse. Why was he even there? Where was Sammy? Oh God, he was hyperventilating.

Is that why Cas was on the bed with him now? How long ago did that happen?

"Uh, calm down? It's all okay? Man, I don't know how to comfort people." Cas patted Dean's knee with stiff hesitation, unsure whether that was the correct way to comfort someone. "Uh, just breathe I guess."

Dean took a few shallow breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth. In through the - ouch Cas was squeezing too hard.

"Cas, you're hurting my knee." Dean choked. His voice wasn't quite all there, just a gravelly whisper.

"Shit, sorry man." Cas pulled his hand away swiftly and wiped it on his jeans as though he had touched something in a dirty public men's room. Dean chuckled lightly.

"If you don't mind me asking, why are you here?" The room wasn't as bright as before, but Dean still had trouble making his eyes adjust. It seemed to help when he looked at Cas, the strange asshole of a guy that made the room seem brighter in a different sense.

Cas took a breath, as though he was trying to figure out a lie before settling with the truth. "Honestly, I just wanted to get out of school. I said we were family friends, and here I am. Did you know you talk in your sleep?"

Dean had begun winding a loose thread on the hem of his shirt around his forefinger and suddenly realised it was stuck and was cutting off his circulation. He wondered if the panic in his eyes was noticeable as he tried to subtly free his finger.

"Oh. I, uh, I wasn't aware I did that." Yes! He did it. His finger was free. Cas was smiling, why was he smiling? So much about this made Dean feel uneasy. He idly noticed that Cas didn't really stick to one subject for long, he would casually slip irrelevant questions or information into a sentence like he was avoiding topics.

"Yeah, it's quite amusing actually. They didn't give you any meds because you were already unconscious." Cas cleared his throat and his smile grew larger, reaching his eyes instantly. "Who - who is 'Doctor Sexy'?" Cas let out a deep chuckle that sounded darker than any laugh Dean has ever heard.

Dean was beet red by now. It suddenly occurred to him that he had been to many, many sleepovers with his little group of friends. Oh God, they had all heard him talk in his sleep!

Just before Dean was about to make up some lame excuse for his explicit Doctor Sexy dreams, an actual doctor came through the door of Dean's hospital room. 

Both Dean's and Cas's heads snapped up to see a shortish man with a scruffy beard and scruffy hair that was the same shade of brown as his beard and his eyes. 

"Hi, my name is Doctor Shurley." He reached out a hand for Dean to shake. "I'm the one who will be taking you for your scan as soon as we get parental consent. I'm afraid we aren't able to do any scans today as your father is unavailable to sign the documents. However, we are able to ask you some questions about your recent eating habits and sleeping patterns if that's okay with you." Doctor Shurley held his clipboard out in front of him and glanced over at Cas for a second before back to Dean.

Dean also managed to steal a quick glance at Cas, only to find that the blue-eyed boy was already staring intensely at Dean.

The doctor continued to speak, although he did it hesitantly, as though he was interrupting something between the two boys. "I would like you to tell me if you have experienced any fainting spells like the one today in the past? Anything you or your boyfriend can recall, he might remember something you don't."

Dean's brow furrowed as he took in what Doctor Shurley had just said. "Um, he's not -"

Dean was cut off quickly by Cas nudging his leg quite painfully with his own.

"He's not been my boyfriend for long so he wouldn't remember anything I don't." Dean shot a 'what the fuck?' Glance in Cas' direction, and Cas just grinned for a second before going back to his false-concern look. "But no, none that I can think of ... But I did have a nose bleed in the shower this morning."

Doctor Shurley didn't look too concerned, and that made Dean feel slightly better. The smell of hospital was beginning to make him feel sick and Cas had some explaining to do.

"have you been eating regular meals and sleeping okay?" Doctor Shurley looked up at Dean through the top of his glasses, keeping his head tilted towards his clipboard as if he was expecting Dean to lie.

Dean looked instantly guilty. "Not really." He coughed and felt slightly uncomfortable talking about himself when Cas was right next to him, he'd only just met this kid. "I've been having nightmares quite a lot recently, they keep me up." He dropped his gaze down to his lap but he could feel the Doctor's and Cas's eyes on him.

Doctor Shurley nodded his head and made a note before clearing his throat to speak again.  
"You haven't been eating well either I suppose?"

Dean just shook his head in response. 

The Doctor hummed to himself and made another note before scribbling on a piece of paper, "I'd say the fainting was due to low blood sugar and exhaustion. Grab yourself a cheeseburger and get some rest, perhaps buy some over the counter sleeping pills to help you. As for your head injury, it looks fine. We gave you three dissolvable stitches and the wound will heal in no time but we will schedule a scan as soon as your father signs the documents. Have a good day, you're free to leave." Doctor Shurley tapped Dean's knee with his pen before exiting the overly bright hospital room.

And with that, Cas and Dean were alone.

Instead of asking for Cas's explanation, Dean just glared at him until his cheesy smile faltered and he caved. They were sitting pretty close to each other on the hospital bed, each with their legs dangling over the side, but Cas's right leg was pressed up against Dean's left and it surprisingly didn't make him uncomfortable - and Cas didn't seem to care at all.

"Okay, so I said we were family friends and they weren't going to let me stay here, and I just really didn't want to go back to school so..."

"So you said you were my boyfriend. Ah, that makes sense. So now when they get hold of my dad and say 'yeah, hi. We had your son Dean here with his boyfriend. Can you come and consent to some brain scans?' I'm just gonna vomit a damn rainbow over my dad and hope he pats me on the back before I can explain that you lied." The levels or sarcasm in Dean's tone did not go unnoticed by Cas who was just smiling like an asshole, like he had been since Dean woke up. He was such an asshole. 

When Dean passed reception to leave the hospital, the pretty nurse there told him to go straight home despite it only being lunch time. They also instructed that his 'boyfriend' take care of him for the rest of the day, giving Dean's new favourite asshole an excuse to ditch school.

Dean had actually ended up taking Cas home with him because his family weren't at home and Cas complained about being alone. Dean's home was empty too so he was mildly glad for the company, he just wished it was from someone else. His dad was working and his brother was still in school - he would have to pick Sammy up later.

Cas didn't seem to be too much of a bad guy once Dean actually began talking to him. He recalled seeing him a couple of times in school, but they had never spoken before. Cas was smart, though. Insanely smart. Sam smart. Dean would never have guessed that the gothic asshole clad in all black sitting beside him on his couch sketching a set of wings in an art pad was such a genius, it didn't suit his look. But Dean just figured, that's why you should never judge a book by its cover.

Dean was fascinated by Cas. His enchanting blue eyes that would rarely blink were endearing and mysterious; and Dean desperately wanted to see past them. Cas watched Dean a lot, but was an asshole about it and made snide comments about the way his ears twitch when he eats.

Dean had stopped off at a burger joint on the way home and bought two cheeseburgers for himself and one for Cas. He looked like a skinny guy, but his arms were muscly like Dean's so Dean figured it was the black outfit making him look slimmer. 

"So, Cas," Dean spoke around a mouthful of bread, cheese, beef, various types of green stuff and some tomatoes, trying to swallow as he spoke, "that's a pretty unusual name, what's it short for? Casper?" 

Cas stopped sketching to take a bite out of his own cheeseburger, after every bite he made a face like he wasn't enjoying it but then took a bigger bite straight afterwards. "It's short for Castiel. This burger could use some jello." 

Dean didn't know what to reply to first, the name or the freaky food preference.  
"Jello? You want to put jello on a cheeseburger?" Dean just stared at Cas, what the hell was wrong with this kid? 

Cas just nodded and dropped the remains of his burger onto the open wrapper on the coffee table before crossing his legs on the couch and continuing his sketch of a gorgeous pair of black Angel wings.

Dean decided to ignore the name for now, a kid with a name like Castiel and a jello-meat combo clearly had some issues and Dean wasn't in the mood to discuss them. So, instead he nodded towards his burger, considering the possibility of jello and cheeseburger making a good combination before deciding it really, really didn't. 

They didn't talk about much else when Cas was at Dean's house, but one of the few topics that did come up were Castiel's ear piercings. He had a small lobe stretcher in his left ear, and a few silver and black rings that trailed up the outside from the lobe of both, and an industrial piercing at the top of the left one too. Dean could only think about how much they suited him, and how he was too scared to get one of his own.

When school ended, Dean drove to pick Sam up with Cas in the passenger seat.

"You can just drop me here, I'm gonna walk home." Cas punched Dean in the arm playfully, although it hurt a lot more than it should have, before getting out of the car. "Oh," he stopped and tossed a small object through the open window and into Dean's lap. "Thanks for the ride."

Dean watched as Castiel walked through the parking lot and out of the gates with his hands in his back pockets, a practically empty backpack draped over his left shoulder and his head down. Then he looked down at his lap.

"How long did that asshole have my phone?!" He yelled, completely to himself.

"You know, one of the first signs of insanity is talking to yourself." Sam said as he slipped into the passenger seat of Dean's beloved impala.

"Shut up, bitch."

"No. Jerk."

Dean unlocked his phone to find a ton of missed messages from his friends, mostly from Jo and Benny. And great, Charlie and Ash had hacked his phone again and changed his screen to yet another naked man. Did those two never get bored of that?

"Dean, it would be super awesome if we could get home, like today." For such a little person, Sam really was extremely sassy. Dean never understood how so much knowledge and sarcasm could fit into his tiny 4'8"body. Maybe he would get a growth spurt to make enough room for it all.

John was home when Sam and Dean pulled into the driveway, and he immediately greeted Dean with a hug. Sam just kind of stood there beside them and watched as panic drowned Dean's features, confusion overwhelming his own. John wasn't a hugger, and he especially didn't hug Dean.

After several minutes of uncomfortable embracing, John released Dean and held him at arms length, a grinch-like smile overtaking his entire face.

"Son, I'm so glad you have finally stopped sleeping around. This kid will be good for you. Way to go boy." He smiled even bigger, somehow, because both Dean and Sam thought it impossible for someone to smile any bigger than that.

"Uh, thanks?" Dean's confusion was growing with every second that passed. What the hell was his dad talking about?

"I want to meet him, invite him round for dinner. Oh, and you have a scan at the hospital tomorrow by the way, after school."

Oh. That's what had happened. The hospital had called John and mentioned Cas. Damn it! Dean knew that this would happen. It was strange that his dad seemed so happy for him, he was surprisingly accepting of Dean's non-existent homosexuality.

"Uh, Dad??" Dean called as he followed his dad into the kitchen.

John switched on the coffee machine and turned to face his oldest son, raising an eyebrow as a cue for Dean to speak.

Dean shoved his hands into the pockets on his jeans and kicked the floor with his boot.  
"Dad, you know I'm not gay, right?" 

John just looked at Dean in confusion.

Dean took this as a subtle hint to elaborate. "Dad, this guy isn't my boyfriend. He lied so that he could ditch a few hours of school. A-and I don't 'sleep around', I'm not that kind of kid you know." He was kind of offended that his father had accused him of sleeping around, sure, he hadn't exactly waited for 'the right person' - or people in his case - but all 5 of those girls were at least a few months apart from each other! 

John took a step towards Dean and hugged him tight. "Dean, it's okay son." He took a deep breath and patted Dean's back fatherly. He seemed to ignore that Dean had tensed beneath his embrace and was making an extremely confused expression. "I love you no matter what, and of you want to date guys, then go and date guys! You don't have to hide yourself from me, Dean. I'm proud of you."

As soon as John released Dean he tried to explain again, but as soon as he opened his mouth to speak his dad would "shush" him and pull him in for another hug. 

What the hell had Cas gotten him into!?


	2. I Don't Just Want To Be a Footnote In Someone Else's Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of course, Cas was late meeting Dean at the impala and the stubborn jackass put his dirty shoes all over the seat when he tried to cross his legs. 
> 
> "Dude, if you fuck up my car I swear I will kill you." Dean shot him a look and ignored the grin he got in return.
> 
> "It's an ugly car."
> 
> "You're pushing me, man." Dean had no tolerance for Cas.

The next day, Dean had agreed to give Jo a ride to school. Apparently she wanted to grill him about what happened the day before and why he hadn't responded to her texts with anything other than 'hey, I'm fine. Yes I will pick you up tomorrow. Dean out.'. So, he woke up after a night free of nightmares and got himself and Sammy down to Ellen Harvelle's place to pick up her daughter. 

"So, who's the mystery man?" Was the first thing that came out of Jo's pretty little mouth as soon as she perched her butt on Dean's seat.

Dean just glared at her, mildly confused and extremely irritated. Damn it Cas. Jo simply gave him a little eyebrow wiggle and playfully poked him in the shoulder, evidently the same shoulder Castiel had punched the day before and had left a rather painful bruise. 

"What the hell are you talking about?" Dean questioned, acting as though he has utterly no clue. Which of course he did and he was super pissed. 

Jo glanced into the back seat and smiled at Sam who returned her smile with a confused stare. Poor kid had no idea what was going on. 

"Oh come on! Your dad told my mom everything! You and some mystery boyfriend went to the hospital together yesterday! Is it that goth kid that Mrs Mills asked to take you to the nurses office? O.M.G it is isn't it!" She was literally bouncing up and down in her seat with excitement, and there were only 2 things on Dean's mind.

"Okay, stop doing that in my seat before I throw you out of my car. And also, why the heck are you not questioning the fact that I am not gay!?" Gosh, why did everyone think Dean could actually have a boyfriend, they all knew he was into girls. 

"Oh shut up this is an ugly car anyways." Dean's mouth opened wider than when he had tried to force a ruler sized cheeseburger into his mouth. No way in hell did Jo just insult Baby like that. No way. "Close your mouth you look like a fish."

He didn't close his mouth. Maybe he wanted to look like a fish. How dare she insult Baby like that. Dean gently stroked the dashboard of his car, mouth still agape whilst Sam began laughing in the back seat. 

"Seriously, close your mouth, it's disturbing." Jo said, her face free of any sign of amusement. Once Dean had in fact closed his mouth and started the engine, Jo piped up again. "We've all heard your dreams about Doctor Sexy."

Dean's eyes were what widened this time. He freaking knew it. He knew it. Those assholes had been mocking him behind his back about his freaky dreams. Damn it he needed a muzzle. 

Then he realised Sammy was in the back seat and gave Jo a look that said 'dude my baby brother is there!', a look that was shortly followed by a disturbed, boyish voice from behind.

"All of us, Dean. All." 

Great. Now Dean was embarrassed. That little conversation had made the rest of the journey to school pretty silent, only the occasional 'damn it' from Sam in the back who was working on extra credit work after his first day. 

The kid had made quite a few friends and already had a crush! Ah, kids grow up so fast. 

Evidently, Dean's first crush had been Jo all the way back in middle school, then she had to go and open her damn mouth. But that was how they became best friends, and she showed him her knife collection and he showed her his tape collection; it was definitely more personal than 'tit for tat'. Those two knew everything about each other, so why did it even surprise Dean that Jo knew his sexuality was slightly more fluid than he made it out to be. 

Dean had never actually denied being bisexual, he had denied being gay because he wasn't, and nobody ever asks 'are you straight?' Because it's considered the norm; but if they had, he would have denied that too. He had never felt the need to tell anyone, if someone asked he would give them an answer, but nobody ever did. He'd only ever been with girls before, mainly because of the fact that nobody knew he wasn't entirely straight. He knew his friends would all be okay with it because Charlie was the lesbian queen of all lesbians and they all loved her. It was just the stupid rumour that bothered him, and he was glad that it was confined to four people. 

 

Ah. It wasn't confined to four people.

"I didn't mean to tell him, I just asked if he'd heard and ... Kind of got carried away." Jo was sure to stand at least a foot away from Dean as she tried to defend her actions of pure gossip.

Dean dropped his head into his hands and sighed dramatically. If Benny knew, that meant Charlie knew, and if Charlie knew that meant Ash knew and if Ash knew that meant the whole freaking internet knew. Most of the internet being: American adolescents. Explaining that it was just one big misunderstanding to four people would have been easy, but this was out of hand.

"Do you know what? Just ... Just give me a minute to go talk to Cas. Don't speak to anyone when I'm gone?" Dean was too tired for this, but he stomped off to the cafeteria anyway.

"Uh, Cas? Can I talk to you for a second?" Dean's voice was a little more shy than usual, and it was probably because each and every one of Cas' friends were winking and smiling at the two of them. 

Dean lead Cas out into the hallway and paused next to some lockers. 

"Look man, that little lie you told has gotten a bit out of hand. You need to fix it." 

Cas shoved his hands into the back pockets of yet another pair of black jeans. How was it possible that the guy was in a completely different outfit - albeit the same colour - and still look exactly the same as the day before. 

"See, I would try and fix it, but I kind of like the attention." He smiled that shitty smug smile hat Dean had grown to despise in the few short hours he'd known this guy. 

"You - y - you like the attention? You like the attention. Great. Good for you! See, I don't like the attention. I don't like people thinking I'm dating a complete douche, I don't like people thinking I dig douches. I also don't want people thinking I'm gay! Oh, and guess what! My dad wants to meet you now because he wouldn't hear me out that you made this crap up, but as long as you like the attention I guess we're all good!" Dean was so frustrated it was getting hard to contain himself. He wanted to badly to reach out and kiss that asshole. Wait ... No. He wanted to punch him. Yeah, that's what he meant! Goddamn it Dean's brain messing up his life choices. Punch. He wanted to punch Cas. 

"I'm not gay either, so what if people think I am? That's their fault. Is your dad nice? Does he cook steak? Man I love steak." Castiel's eyes trailed away from Dean as steak claimed his train of thought and pushed it off a cliff. 

Dean sighed again. This guy was a jerk. Not even the good kind.

But then again, his dad had been so happy for him when he thought he had a boyfriend. (Seriously, why is no one surprised that Dean apparently likes guys?) 

"You're an asshole, you know that?"

"I am aware." There's that stupid grin again.

"I have a hospital appointment after school. You can come and keep me company considering you're the only person right now that isn't going to attack me with a bunch of questions." Dean was going to regret this, but he didn't want to go alone.

"Fine. Meet you at your car. Should we kiss now or what?"

"What!? No! Cas, you need to fix this mess." And with that, Dean walked away. Leaving Castiel and his dumb grin at the lockers. 

What the hell had he gotten himself into.

 

Of course, Cas was late meeting Dean at the impala and the stubborn jackass put his dirty shoes all over the seat when he tried to cross his legs. 

"Dude, if you fuck up my car I swear I will kill you." Dean shot him a look and ignored the grin he got in return.

"It's an ugly car."

"You're pushing me, man." Dean had no tolerance for Cas. Why did John have to be so understanding and ignorant? 

Dean had arranged for Benny to take Jo and Sam home because John got called into work (again) and wasn't able to pick them up. So, it was just Dean and Cas at the hospital for around 2 hours.

Doctor Shurley was waiting for them to arrive and they were shown straight to the scanner room place thingy. Dean was made to change into a weird hospital robe that went on backwards and showed his boxers out of the back. Originally he was supposed to go naked underneath it but after a lot of arguing and a child-like tantrum from the seventeen year old, he was allowed to keep his boxers on. 

The scan took around two hours, which was more than enough time for Cas to work his magic with all of the hospital staff in the scan area. The receptionist there was extremely fond of him, but each of them had somehow been made aware that Dean and Cas were 'dating'. Dean bet that Cas had bragged or something.

Once the scan was over, Dean was told he would have to wait a few days for them to get the results of it. They would also give him the results of some blood sugar tests they did just after the scan at the same time. Doctor Shurley gave the boys a smile and squeezed Cas's shoulder. 

"He's lucky to have you." He said with a smile.

Cas glanced over at Dean with a look of genuine compassion in his eyes, "no, I'm lucky to have him." He whispered, as though it was a secret. 

The second Doctor Shurley turned his back, the look in Castiel's eyes had vanished and they were back to being beautifully cold. Dean wanted to take his eyes and keep them forever, but that was extremely sadistic and probably illegal so he wouldn't do that. Instead, Castiel took his hand and lead him out of the hospital.

"I think we make a good fake couple." Cas said with a grin that was slightly different to the one Dean had grown to despise. "Remind me, why are you playing along with this? I know I'm being an asshole because that's what I do, but why are you tolerating my shit?" The smile disappeared towards the end of the question and Dean shook his hand free from Cas's death drip.

"I'm not. I tried to tell my dad the truth but he's so happy that I've finally found a boyfriend and that I'm not just sleeping with random girls that he won't listen to me. So as soon as you come over for dinner, you're telling him the truth for me, as well as every other fucker that believes your lie." 

Cas laughed. He actually laughed. Dean was going to punch this kid so hard he'd be pooping out his molars next week. Dean rolled his eyes and huffed before making his way towards the drivers side of the impala. 

Cas just threw his hands up and rocked into the car, bringing his arms down to rest his elbows on the hood. 

"Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't laugh, but what if I don't want to tell him or anyone else the truth? I think this is a pretty good way to come out to a bunch of people, we could just stage a break up. And in all honesty, I like hanging out with you. You're actually alright and I get the feeling we wouldn't talk much if we didn't have something forcing us together, and I wanna talk to you." The smile had vanished from Castiel's face all together now, and his eyes looked sincere in the evening light. 

Dean thought it was strange how dramatically Cas' eyes would change, one minute they would be so noticeably sinister and the next they would be careful and soft and make you feel like everything would always be okay. But then Dean remembered how easily Cas could fake compassion in those eyes as he had done only minutes earlier in the hospital and that Cas was in fact, a complete and utter jackass. 

Dean hadn't really been thinking about Cas' words, just his eyes and how he wanted to think he was telling the truth because of how warm they looked. Cas was playing him, he knew it. That look in his eyes was a lie and therefore so were his words.

"But hey, I'm happy to make your life a living hell if that's the way you want to play it." Cas threw his arms up once more and that stupid grin returned within seconds, washing away any warmth that had been in his eyes a second before; as though Dean had imagined it.They got into the car, and Dean drove the two of them to Cas's place. 

It was a lot harder to simply drive Cas home than it should have been because the blue-eyed boy kept giving Dean directions and then saying 'oh shit, I meant right.' Or 'it might have been that last turn.'. The guy was despicable, and Dean had no idea how he was going to play out their little charade any longer, he just wanted everyone to go back to thinking he was a straight little man slut. 

"Is this your house or are you just going to make me stop here for ten minutes before saying 'this isn't actually my house' and take me around the city again?" It was almost nine-thirty by now and Dean wasn't sure if John was back from work or if Sam was just left home alone. He had spent way too much time in the car with Cas and his muddy shoes than he would have ever wanted to.

"This is actually my house." Cas said, not moving from the car. 

The two boys just stared at the house in front of them. It wasn't big, but big enough to house a family of around 4 people, Dean wasn't sure exactly how big Cas's family was. 

"Uh, get out?" Dean said after a long while of just sitting in the car and staring at a dark house. It was strange that there were no lights on. It was September and it was still quite light during evenings in Lawrence, but the nights were still pretty dark and lights were certainly needed in a home.

"Wait a second, I wanna say something." 

Seconds passed and Cas continued to stare out of the window, not saying a word.

Minutes passed and Dean just kind of scowled at the back of Cas' head thinking 'there is something seriously wrong with this kid.'

Almost 5 minutes later ...

"Dude what the hell do you wanna say!?" Dean almost yelled and this time, Cas did flinch.

"Woah, no need to shout!"

"You've been sitting there staring at your own house for like 10 minutes and you haven't said anything! What do you want?" 

"I was just going to say, I think we could be friends. Like real friends if you weren't such an asshole." Dean opened his mouth to speak but Cas cut him off, "before you say anything I know I'm an asshole, a bigger one than you. I meant what I said - I think you're pretty cool, Dean - we could be friends."

He smiled at Dean, a kind smile. Dean had no clue if it was genuine or not because he could never tell with Cas. Then, Cas got out of the car, barely giving Dean a chance to return it. 

"Asshole." Dean muttered to himself before making the drive home. He didn't want to be his friend, he wanted him to give up the lie and let Dean go back to his old friends.

 

Dean had been right. Sam had been home alone all evening, the poor kid had fallen asleep in his leftover pizza and had cheese in his hair. Dean laughed at the sight and used the opportunity to take a photo of his brother. 

Dean had an album of embarrassing Sam photos that he planned to bring out on Sammy's eighteenth birthday, and that pizza-plough-down was being added to the collection. 

It wasn't long after he'd taken the photo that Dean decided to carry his brother into bed. He picked him up and carried him in as though he was four years old all over again. 

Dean remembered all of the times he had carried Sammy to bed as kids. John would work a lot and leave Dean in charge of his younger brother. Sam was always getting himself hurt in one way or another, usually trying to copy Dean doing all of the big boy things. Each time Dean would patch him up and settle him in with a little stuffed polar bear named Ringo. Sammy believed it kept him safe, and Dean allowed him to believe it. Eventually, Sammy didn't need Ringo anymore and Dean moved him back into his own room. In his mind, Sammy would always need it and Dean would always have him ready for him. 

As Sammy was laid down to sleep Dean noticed faint blue marks all over his cheek where he had most likely rested his face on his homework. He let out a small, quiet chuckle and tucked his brother under the comforter before pressing a light kiss to his forehead, just like he always did. (Sammy would kill him if he knew but that had never stopped him before.). 

"Night Sammy." 

Dean took himself into the kitchen and warmed up a few slices of pizza before settling down to watch a few episodes of Game of Thrones. The entire time he made his own little commentary and a few times found himself yelling at the tv before realising he had neighbours and that Sam was asleep a few rooms away. 

He could have sworn he saw somebody standing in the corner of the room. He blinked and rubbed his eyes and looked at the spot again, only to find it empty except for a table and a busted lamp. The living room was lit by the dim glow of the hall light and the flicker of the tv, light like that had a way of messing with your head. He was forever seeing figures that looked like people in various places about the house, but once he'd adjusted his eyes they would disappear. 

He checked the time on his cell phone and sighed when he saw the little glowing numbers that read '4.00am' at the top of the screen. Dean shuffled his way into his bedroom, switching off various lights and electronics as he went. He couldn't even be bothered to put his pyjamas on, so he just stripped down to his boxers and climbed into bed; burying his face in a pillow and sliding his arms underneath two others. 

Closing his eyes had been such a natural thing a few years back, but now it made him frightened. Every time he allowed the darkness to swell around his irises and try and drag him into a sleep, he would see horrors that shook him to his core. Most nights it was the fire, the heat of it lapped at his skin and left beads of sweat in its place. The screams that came from within the flames sent his body into fight mode and he would tremble until he woke himself up with violent shakes. Those were the least terrible ones. Dean didn't know why he would get these dreams, he had an idea about the fire ones, but the ones with the faceless people and the ones where he would see his own flesh peeled from his skin - they were the ones that kept him awake at night. Those were the ones that made his stomach turn when he thought about eating. 

All Dean knew was that he was afraid, and he didn't know how to make it better.

The next morning, school awaited yet again, and with the night Dean had had, he wondered if he was even safe to drive. John hadn't returned the night before so Dean just woke up Sam and got them both to school on time, barely keeping to the correct side of the road. Cas was waiting for Dean in the parking lot, leaning against his own black SUV. 

"Uh, hey Ca-"

Dean was interrupted almost immediately when Cas grabbed him by the lapels of his jacket and crushed their lips together. Dean could barely comprehend what was going on, but it wasn't long before Cas had his tongue in his mouth and Dean couldn't breathe. 

It was a strange feeling. Dean didn't quite enjoy it but he didn't not enjoy it either, and although he never actually kissed Castiel back it managed to deepen into something slightly erotic. 

When it ended Dean was breathless and blamed it on the fact he wasn't ready to have his airways blocked by Cas' mouth. People towards the back of the SUV were clapping and whistling and so were a few other people in the parking lot. If there were still a few people in the school that didn't know about the 'couple' they certainly did now. 

"What the hell was that!?" Dean asked, loud enough so only Cas could hear. "I was coming to talk to you about clearing this up!"

A smile crept onto Cas' face and he winked with his weird black framed eyes, "spoil sport." He chuckled a deep, sinister laugh and patted Dean on the shoulder. "Be ready next time." 

"Next time?" Instead of giving Dean an answer, Cas locked their hands together and lead Dean inside. No matter how hard Dean tried to rip hand hand out of Cas's grasp he couldn't quite get away, the guy had a really strong grip.

At lunch, Dean sat with Jo, Benny, Ash and Charlie who just all kind of stared at him as he picked at his plate of fries. 

"So, you and Cas, huh?" Charlie beamed.

Dean sighed and dropped his fist onto the table. "No. Not me and Cas. There is nothing between me and Cas. He's an asshole and he made up that he was my boyfriend so the doctors would let him stay at the hospital and he could ditch school. That's it." Dean had told them this about a million times, and none of them seemed to get it.

Now it was Benny's turn, "then wha' was all the PDA in the parkin' lot then, brotha?" 

Dean sighed again and dropped a fry he was holding back onto his plate. "Honestly, I don't know. I went over there to tell him to hurry up and explain this crap and he just - he just grabbed me." 

Every member of Dean's friendship group at that table nodded in unison, each with looks in their eyes that said "yeah, yeah we believe you. Not.". Dean was seriously considering murdering Cas and burying him in 10feet of concrete.

Lunch was like that for weeks. Dean tried his best to avoid Cas in public, especially at school. Most of the time Cas would just appear behind him or something, like he'd just sprung from some kid's locker. Cas kept the pda to a minimum, occasionally trying to grab Dean's hand or stroke his arm or something but their conversations always ended with Dean trying to get Cas to tell the truth. The staged breakup was becoming more and more appealing to Dean each passing hour. 

Dean hadn't passed out in a while, but on more than one occasion had somebody questioned the bags under his eyes or the fact that his irises had faded to more of a hazel colour from lack of sleep. Cas was the one who noticed Dean's stomach rumble and would occasionally sit with him and force him to eat a sandwich at lunch. 

The nightmares seemed to be becoming more frequent, and Dean could have sworn he'd had a conversation with his mom the day before. But that was insane because she died when he was just a kid. The exhaustion must've been making his mind run wild. 

Dean put himself to bed as early as possible to give himself some time to relax before sleeping. He'd asked Cas to grab him some pills from the pharmacy once or twice because Cas was already eighteen and was eligible to buy sleeping pills. His vision would blur often if he hadn't slept enough the night before and he was beginning to discover he had little control when it came to handwriting. Everything he wrote seemed to come out looking like a toddler with a broken wrist had done it. 

Dean was scared to sleep, but he was also scared to be awake. He was waking up in the middle of the night like a terrified kid in watching a horror movie in a room all alone. He was more scared than in the house fire that killed his mom, or the ride along that killed his uncle Bobby. This was a different kind of scared, nightmares weren't something a doctor can get rid of or medication can fix, he was stuck with them and they were his to deal with alone.


	3. You're a Canary, I'm a Coal Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Cas, is that a tattoo?" He asked, pointing at the little black mark peeping out from under Castiel's purple t-shirt.

"Dean, when is this boyfriend coming for dinner?" John called through the hallway, footsteps slowly reaching Dean's bedroom door. 

Dean had never been so grateful for the lock on his door as he tried to hide a bunch of empty sleeping pill bottles in various places around his room. He shoved two under his pillow and tossed a few into his desk drawer before attempting to make his bed look like it had been slept in.

"Dean? Open the door, son." John tapped on the door another few times after Dean hadn't answered on the first knock. 

"Hang on, I'm uh, I'm doing stuff." Dean tried to think of an excuse and came up empty. He was still wearing his clothes from the night before, he hadn't even attempted to sleep. He was out of pills and he hadn't gotten around to asking Cas to get him some more. It seemed as though the effects of the over the counter stuff was dulling down; he was lucky to get a few hours rest from them now.

"Why? What are you doing Dean?" John persisted, and Dean was stumbling all over the place trying to find some pyjamas or something. John knew he wouldn't be up and dressed that early on a Saturday and Dean didn't want him to know he wasn't sleeping.

"Just ... Just stuff! Hang on a second." Dean called back through the door just before running into his doorframe in an attempt to get to the bathroom. He had settled on a pair of sweatpants and he fluffed his hair up a bit to make it look like bedhead.

"What stu- oh god Dean I didn't need to know that!" 

Dean made his back into his room and clicked his laptop shut, sliding it under the messy duvet. Great. His dad thought he was jerking off in his room, it wouldn't be the first time but c'mon!

The door swung open for Dean to see John standing in a suit. He never wore a suit, this was strange. 

"I'm sorry I interrupted your ... Activities Dean, but I came to ask about this boyfriend you've been keeping a secret." John hadn't even let Dean explain, every night he would try, and John would just dismiss him. Dean huffed and leaned his body against the doorframe, rubbing his face 'tiredly' with the back of his hand. 

"Uh, yeah about that, I was wondering ... Why weren't you surprised when the hospital said I had a boyfriend and not a girlfriend?" This. This was thing Dean was curious about. Was there just something about him that screamed 'I like dudes' or what? Why was nobody shocked!?

John rested his hand against the doorframe. He towered over Dean and made him feel so much like a child again. John had always been supportive of Dean, always been kind but somehow Dean felt like he was letting him down in some way. Sam was so smart and would go to college and get an amazing job and have a family and a bunch of kids and Dean was failing his classes, forgetting how to spell his name and was being forced into a fake relationship. There was nothing he could do to make John proud of him, he knew that, but somehow he could do nothing but try to do just that. And maybe it was best if he didn't try and get John to believe the truth, he was being bullied by a dorky goth kid and was too weak to just tell him to fuck off. Maybe it was better if John thought Dean was doing well for himself rather than being a little weak baby who can't say "no" to someone and still has nightmares. 

"Come and have a talk with me, Dean." John ushered Dean into the living room and Dean just followed silently, thinking about whether he should let his dad down again.

The air of the house was cold against Dean's bare torso. It was the second week of October now and the days were growing colder. John sat down on the sofa and patted the empty space beside him. Sam was at his friend Adam's house, Adam was his best friend and Sam had been helping him study recently. Somehow that kid seemed to fit in so well at high school, he was always out a friends' houses or somewhere else socialising. 

"Do you remember when you were a little kid, you must have been around three years old, maybe four. Your mother and I had had a fight, a silly fight and I left for a few days.?" John made eye contact with Dean, something that instantly made him feel so small under his father's stare. "You were such a fragile kid, Dean. You had silly blonde hair that was too long and your mother wouldn't let me cut it because she loved the curls at the back, you were chubby too. It was the cutest thing, you couldn't run as well as you thought you could and always tripped over your own feet, it was amazing to watch because you would just get up and try again. When I left for those few days, your mom wanted me to see you, she was afraid you would forget my voice or my face. So, I came back to the house and I took you and Sam to the park. You wouldn't leave my side, you gripped my trouser leg so tight I thought your bone might emerge from your tiny little knuckles. 

"You were worried about me and your mom. You talked in your sleep back then, I guess that's something you never grew out of, but I would listen to you every night for hours. You napped at the park, still holding my trouser leg with everything you had and you said, 'mommy loves you.'. It melted my heart, Dean. I've known since that day, you know more about everyone else, you see what others don't see about themselves, even if you can't see inside yourself. The fire happened only a few weeks after that, and boy you wouldn't speak. You didn't speak to anyone but Sam for almost 2 years. You only spoke to him when you thought you were alone, you would tell him that his mommy loved him and that she was an angel who was watching over him. The kid spoke his first word to you, he walked towards you for the first time. 

"You were barely six years old and already you had more empathy than I ever had. You felt for others but not for yourself, and I aspired to be like my six year old kid. So I listened to you every night when you were sleeping, and you would talk. You would talk about everything you felt, things that scared you and things that made you happy and I listened to every word. Every now and again you would have these terrible nightmares; waking up in a sweat and screaming for your mom - but it was me who would have to comfort you. I know you, Dean. I forced myself to learn from a boy who at four years old could make his daddy realise things he wouldn't have learned by himself, and I watched you, and there is nothing I do not know about you, Dean."

Dean could have sworn his dad was crying now. He hadn't known any of that stuff, he'd had no clue. He immediately felt guilty. He'd been having these nightmares for months, he hadn't remembered having them as a kid. This should be something he was trusting his Dad to help him with, Dean just didn't want John to worry. The poor man had been through enough in his life, he didn't need to worry about his son's silly recurring nightmares. 

Dean made himself laugh before he hugged his father more tightly than he ever had. 

"His name is Castiel." He blurted, suddenly abandoning all thoughts of telling John the truth. They'd just have to work the staged break up. Dean and Cas had gotten relatively friendly since Cas had been insisting they actually spend time together. Dean knew he could trust him, not to do the right thing or to be a nice guy, but he could trust him to be a good friend. Cas knew about Dean's sleeping issue. He'd been in the hospital room when Dean had told the Doctor, and it was Cas who was getting Dean his pills from the pharmacy. He wasn't half bad. He was weird though, didn't have many friends. Dean would spend afternoons with him at the bike ramps in the park that were always empty for some unknown reason. He could see himself being good friends with Cas, and as much as he hated to admit it, if it wasn't for Cas's lie they probably wouldn't even second glance each other in the cafeteria. "I'll invite him around for dinner tonight?"

That was it. He had to meet Cas on a Saturday and invite the jackass to his house. He even convinced his dad to cook steak. He knew this wasn't going to end well.

"Hey Cas, dinner at my place tonight? Dad wants to meet my 'boyfriend'." Dean actually used finger-quotes. Oh god. He and Cas were sitting on the bike ramps in the park, just the two of them as usual. 

Cas took a bite out of a pickle, peanut butter and marmalade sandwich and Dean almost threw up at the sight of him eating it. Cas on the other hand, moaned with pleasure as he savoured the vile taste of nutty orange pickle. 

"Sure, will there be steak?" He asked, mouth still full of disgusting sandwich fillings. He suddenly stopped chewing and looked up at Dean, his eyebrows almost forming one long one in the middle of his forehead due to the expression he was making. "Wait ... You're going along with this?" 

Dean made a disgusted look at his friend, "yeah, until this fake breakup, and honestly man, I don't get how someone who enjoys good food such as steak and cheeseburgers can eat ... That!" 

Cas smiled around a mouthful of food. Dean noticed that Cas was wearing a lot less makeup than usual, he didn't even think he was wearing any and it honestly made him look kinder and more childlike. Dean had been noticing small things about Cas lately, things like how Cas' mouth would turn up at the sides when he found something funny but he wouldn't actually laugh at it - his evil little grin was just for show, and how he stuck his tongue out of the side of his mouth when he concentrated or how he subconsciously hummed Fall Out Boy songs whenever he was in his own world. 

He seemed so innocent in all of those things, and then he would go and open that mouth of his and ruin the whole illusion. That mouth was surprisingly good at other things, though. Dean had gotten to experience an intense 'fake' make out session at Jo's birthday party the week before. They just had to play spin the bottle. He didn't even want to do it. Jo had even sat down long enough to hear Dean's side of this ridiculous story, she believed Dean, and then she suggested the stupid game just to mess with him.

Dean noticed something else about Cas that day as well, something he couldn't believe he hadn't ever noticed before.

"Cas, is that a tattoo?" He asked, pointing at the little black mark peeping out from under Castiel's purple t-shirt. 

Cas swallowed his 'food'. "Uh huh. This arm is a full sleeve." He said, lifting his right arm that had been blocked from Dean's view by Cas's body. The entire arm was covered in tattoos, mostly black or outlines but a few were coloured and each one was magnificent. "I have some on my back too, and my chest. I have to cover them for school because technically, I'm not allowed them to this extent, they know that there's no way I could have all of these in the space of three weeks." He took another bite of that god-awful sandwich. 

"Wow, Cas. They are amazing. How'd you get them if you weren't eighteen at the time?" Dean asked, still admiring the tattoos on the arm Cas continued to hold up to him. 

"I have brothers, they aren't exactly into the legal side of stuff if it's family." Cas began to trace around the outline of a tattoo that seemed to represent some kind of Phoenix. 

"Your brothers are tattoo artists?"

"No. Lucifer is a tattoo artist, Gabriel is a baker." Cas chuckled at the talk of his brothers, clearly finding the difference in their careers amusing. Dean wondered if they were close. He figured that Cas saw Lucifer quite often, often enough to get inked up.

"So, your brother is named after Satan. How come your brothers have angel names and you don't?"

"I do. Castiel is the Angel of Thursday, sucks I know." 

Dean actually laughed at this. The biggest asshole he had ever met was named after an angel. A messenger of God, and this jerk was definitely going down to the other place, hopefully with Dean who had no intentions of carrying a harp up with the God Squad. 

"Fine, laugh. At least I don't have an ugly car and girly freckles." Cas's mouth turned up at the sides into his almost-smile and he actually laughed a little, and it was strange to hear such a rare sound and it did honestly sound like a childish giggle. The smile he flashed towards Dean afterwards wasn't his usual dick smile either, it was mischievous but kind. 

"Well, according to urban legend, freckles are actually angel kisses so I guess it's your fault they are there." Dean replied, shooting Castiel his award winning smile. 

"Maybe it is." Cas whispered it so quietly, almost like he didn't want Dean to hear, but he did. "What time have we got to be at your place? Can I tell your dad we fucked in your car?" He added, substantially louder than his previous comment. 

"Dude I swear to pie, you need to calm your jets with the lies. Do-don't even speak to my Dad unless you're being ... Polite I guess." Dean got to his feet and took the remaining sandwich scraps out of Cas's hand, dropping it back into the cellophane wrapper. "We'll go now."

The two of them made it to Dean's place just as John was setting the table with Sam. The boys had talked about their plan on the way over, there would be no kissing, no groping and no hugging. There could be gentle knee brushes and sly smiles but as minimal as possible. Dean didn't like this. Cas was under strict orders not to be rude. 

Dinner was more awkward than Dean had anticipated. All the way through he could feel the lie surfacing with every word that came out of his mouth. John had stayed away from the embarrassing questions and stuck with 'what do your parents do?', 'do you have siblings?' 'How do you like school?' And to be honest, Dean learned more about Cas over that one dinner than he had about him over the last month. 

"Dean, would you mind if I spent the night tonight?" Cas asked once he and Dean were alone in his room. John had insisted he and Sam clean up and forced Dean and Cas into Dean's bedroom. 

"Uh, yeah, sure. Is everything okay?" Dean didn't mind having Cas there, he could sleep in Dean's bed and Dean would probably just watch TV all night.

"Yeah, I'm fine I'm just not feeling like going home tonight."

Dean emptied out his waste basket and replaced the contents with empty pill bottles whilst Cas combed through his stuff, tossing things back instead of placing them carefully. Dean scolded him a few times and straightened out his strange little gadgets before heading down to let John know about Cas' sleeping arrangements. 

"Here, take this. Go to a motel." John said, shoving a hundred dollars into Dean's hand. Dean's eyes widened. How was he supposed to refuse that? 'No, sorry dad because Cas and I aren't actually dating.' Oh shit. He took the money.

He took the money and he took Cas. They went to the stinking motel. 

It wasn't a stinking motel. It was actually kind of nice. The two of them just strolled through the door, laughing about a joke Cas had made in the car that involved a nun and a glass dildo. The man behind the counter looked young but tired. The dark circles around his eyes told stories of restless sleep and tons of alcohol. He had blond hair that was fluffy and big, sticking out in a messy way that looked nowhere near as good as Cas's. 

The look he gave the boys when they booked a room was insulting, and neither of them were willing to give him any satisfaction. Both were in far too good a mood to stoop to the levels of a guy who bleaches his hair. 

Cas grabbed the key from the guys hand with a childlike greed and turned to walk down the hallway. He didn't make it very far when Dean put his foot out and sent Castiel falling down onto his face. Dean almost doubled over with laughter and could practically feel the counter-man staring at them. He snatched the key from Cas and was about to skip off down the hallway when ...

Now he was on the floor. That little bastard had grabbed his ankle and taken him down with much greater force than what Castiel had fallen with. 

"Ha fucking ha, mother fucker." Cas laughed as he snatched the key back from Dean and made his way into the room, followed shortly by Dean who had sprinted his way in. Neither of them knew exactly how many people were staying in that particular motel, but they were sure they must have woken some of them up. 

They had booked a room with two single beds and were now jumping from one bed to the other with synchronised hops, crossing paths and high-fiving each time. All it took was for Cas' shoe to get caught in the sheet and send him toppling down, taking a lamp with him. Of course, the lamp broke and the bulb shattered, leaving a flickering wire that was just buzzing with electricity. 

Both boys had removed their shirts shortly after beginning their childish bouncy castle party, they had complained it was too hot to jump with shirts on. It had also given Dean a chance to admire Cas' tattoos a little more. 

Now, though, Dean was running down the hallway outside of their room and heading towards the front desk where the counter-man sat. He just couldn't run fast enough because within seconds, Castiel was pouncing on him, taking him to the ground and pinning him there. Dean couldn't stop himself from laughing, but the counter-man seemed confused at the current situation. To someone who didn't know him, Castiel looked angry, but to Dean, who could see the turn up at the side of his mouth, he looked like he was in hysterics. 

Cas connected his fist with Dean's jaw with enough force to leave a bruise, but Dean continued to laugh until his stomach hurt. Both of them heard the gasp that came from the counter-man and both of them ignored it. Cas pointed a slender finger at Dean and let out a pant of breath. 

"You fucking deserved that you asshole." He said with a laugh, turning so that his back was to the counter-man. The two prominent burn marks that had been left at the small of Cas' back were a perfect match to the sparking prongs of the broken lamp in the room Dean and Cas had booked. 

Dean was still laughing, he literally couldn't help it. He hadn't even meant to electrocute Cas but the jackass just wouldn't give up! It was mostly his fault anyways, and now both Dean and Cas had marks to show for their mischief. 

After returning to their room, the laughter had died down and the room was a mess. The broken glass was still on the floor but the lamp had somehow made it's way into the bathroom sink. The towels were wet from where Dean and Cas had been twirling them around and whipping each other with them. The bed spreads were destroyed, especially Cas's. His shoe had torn a hole in the sheet and they sure as hell wouldn't be paying for that! One of the springs had also popped out of Castiel's mattress, right in the middle where he should have been sleeping. 

"Shit, that barbie man is gonna be pissed at us." Cas chuckled again, clearly not even remotely worried about what the counter-man would say. 

"I think you should be more concerned about where you're going to sleep, you broke your bed." Dean stated, flopping back onto his perfectly intact bed and nuzzling his head into the pillow. 

"I'm sleeping with you." Before Dean could even protest there was an irritating presence beside him in the already tiny bed. 

Dean shuffled over slightly to make enough room for Cas and pulled the comforter over them both, keeping as much distance between them as the bed would allow. Cas just rubbed his face against the pillow and somehow managed to look extremely cat-like. Dean immediately realised how Cas's hair was always so messy. He had reached one arm up and tangled his fingers into his hair and lifted the other one so that it was snugly secured underneath the pillow. 

"You look like a cat." Dean stated sleepily. He hadn't even realised how tired he was until now, it didn't look like he would need any pills to sleep. 

"Yeah, and you look stunning. Go to sleep, and don't keep me up with your yammering." Cas groaned into the pillow and Dean knew that there would be a drool stain there in the morning. 

Dean made himself comfortable in the little space of the bed that he had. Cas was smaller than him, slighter and shorter and seemed to fit easily into his little designated space on the bed. Dean, however, was struggling to get comfortable. 

He pushed his weight onto one side and turned so that he was facing away from Cas, he then slipped one hand under his cheek and allowed the other to hang over the edge of the bed. He didn't remember falling asleep.

He did remember waking up. He was in pretty much the same position as he had been the night before, but now there was a weight on his side and a wetness on his back. Dean glanced down to see Cas' arm draped over his bare waist. It was the arm with no tattoos. He craned his neck a little to try and see behind him without actually disturbing Cas. He was still snoring, well it sounded more like purring but Dean took that as a good sign he was asleep. He managed to slightly get a view of his back and found the source of the wetness immediately. Castiel's face was smushed up against his bare back and his mouth was pushed into a weirdly deformed version of slobbery lips and his tongue was poking out against Dean's skin. Gross. 

Dean tried to wriggle out of Cas' grip but found that doing so would result in him falling face first into a pile of broken glass. Instead, he reached down and tried to remove Cas' arm from his waist. He was unaware that the boy had recently stopped purring and was now allowing his brain to adjust to the light of the room. 

"Why are you awake?" The small groaning sound that had managed to form those words had definitely come from the cat-like boy behind Dean. 

"I'm awake because it's morning, and because somebody has been drooling on my back." He said and Castiel rolled away slightly and curling back into the pillow. He almost looked one with the bed with how tightly he hugged himself into it. 

"We had no sleep." Cas groaned, barley getting the words out without stopping to make strange noises with his dry mouth. 

"I had lots of sleep, what are you talking about?" Dean questioned, turning to face Cas' back, also curling himself back into the pillow. 

"You. You kept talking, hmm. You was talking about me, and to me." Cas groaned, rolling over so that he and Dean were face to face. He suddenly seemed far more awake than he had a few seconds ago. "Did you know that if someone talks to you when you're sleep taking, you answer them? It's quite amusing." His mouth did that little turn up thing and Dean blushed.

He hadn't known that, actually, and he was sure to not let anyone else in on that secret. 

"You said that jello is fish guts, which is bullshit. So I called you on your bullshit and you argued with me. Then ... I decided to ask you questions." Cas ran a hand through his sleep tousled hair, and it didn't look any different to how it looked on a regular school day. "I asked you if you liked me, you said yeah. So I asked if you liked me liked me, and you said yeah. Then I asked you if I made you smile, and you said yeah, then I asked you what your issue is with all those pills..." 

Dean didn't really see any of that coming, but he managed to bypass all of what Cas had said up until 'pills'. He didn't want Cas to know the whole story. As far as he was concerned, Dean would occasionally get nightmares that wake him and he needed the pills to get back to sleep. 

"What did I say?" Dean asked, trying to contain the panic in his voice and hoping that sleepiness masked it.

"You said, 'the pills stop the fire and the people with no faces.', which begs the question, why have you been lying to me? You don't just get nightmares, do you?" 

The concern in Cas's voice was real, Dean could see that. He just really didn't want to put this on him, it was scary enough for Dean to deal with. What if Cas thought he was insane? 

"I haven't been lying to you, Cas. It's -"

"Bad dreams, yeah you keep saying. But that bullshit, Dean. It's more than just nightmares, isn't it. You're seeing people with no faces? What the fuck Dean why wouldn't you tell me about that? If I'd have known you were going through shirt like this I never would have messed with you, I only did it to be selfish and petty. It's easy to manipulate people, I just never would have tried if I'd have known about this, Dean." 

"Cas, I'm not lying. There is a big difference between lying and not telling someone about something. I just didn't tell you, that's all. Anyway, who the hell are you to talk about lying? You've been lying to our entire school and you've made me lie to my dad. So don't even get on me for this, it's my business." Dean could feel anger boiling in the pit of his throat, ready to spit venomous words all over Cas. 

"That's what I'm trying to say, Dean. I'm sorry for lying, I was being a child. Yeah, it was fun at first but now, now it's hard. I can see that you're clearly messed up, you've been taking sleeping pills by the bottle and your hands shake and you fall asleep in class and you always look like there's something following you. Lying drains me and distracts me from reality, this is reality and I don't want to make yours a living hell, that's not what I wanted."

Dean's head dropped a little. They were sitting cross-legged on the bed facing each other, their knees almost touching. "Yeah well, you were being a jerk and I was just ... Too tired." His voice was barely a whisper. That was the best nights sleep he'd had in months and now all those empty hours from days before were catching up with him. 

"I'm sorry." Cas's eyes were soft and comforting and Dean had no trouble locking his own onto them, it was like the blue and green were going to melt together like ink on a stained glass window. "I only did it because it was easier than actually asking you out-."

He had barely finished speaking before his and Dean's lips connected. Neither of them were sure which one of them had made the move, lord knows they both wanted to. It was awkward and tasted of morning breath, but neither of them cared. It felt different, to kiss Cas in private without being attacked in the parking lot. There weren't any eyes on them in that moment, just the two of them, two hearts beating through skin that was pressed together for the heartbeats to collide. 

When they finally pulled away from each other they were breathless and smiling. Cas' hand was on Dean's waist and Dean's was in Cas' hair, gently gripping onto the soft, black strands. 

"Well, next time we do that you have to brush your teeth first." Cas smirked his asshole smirk that Dean still despised, but somehow loved all the same. 

"Next time we do that you have move your knee away from my crotch." Dean returned the snide comment as always and hugged Cas close, earning a wince from him when he touched the tender burns on the small of his back.

"You should apologise for those." Cas laughed again, Dean knew that Cas would see those as battle scars and he would love them as if he had gotten them inked onto his skin.

"I'm not sorry. I'm not even a little bit sorry. You punched me." Dean smiled into Castiel's hair and for the first time, he could smell Cas' sweetness just radiating off of him. He was such an asshole and it made him beautiful. as messed up as that sounds. Dean had subconsciously wanted to hold Cas like that since that first day in the hospital and now that he was, he wondered why they hadn't been doing this all along.

Cas decided that they would still stage the break up, they weren't properly dating yet. All they did was kiss in a motel room and make a run for it as soon as the maid came to check on the room they had destroyed. Dean told Jo, Benny, Charlie and Ash that it was all Cas being a jerk; only this time he dragged Cas along with him to confirm the story. They all believed him and apologised for being such assholes. Once Dean and Jo had dropped Cas off at home, Dean told Jo all about the events that occurred at the motel. He was acting like an excited little girl at Christmas who knew she was going to get a sapphire barbie. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be smut in the next chapter! It might take me a while to post because I'm still editing it so bear with me! Hope you enjoy.


	4. Better Off As Lovers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Sorry." Cas whispered, picking up the book and tossing it back onto the shelf and placing the lamp on Dean's desk where it didn't belong. "Is everyone sleeping?" 
> 
> Dean pushed past Cas to put the lamp back in its place on the shelf. "Yeah, it's three in the Morning, what else would they be doing? Hula dancing?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter sucks because I had an issue where the ENTIRE thing got deleted and I had to rewrite it. It has smut, though, so that's a plus. It's also shorter because I was getting so frustrated with the rewrite and I just couldn't handle writing anymore of it.

The Winchester house was home to a lot of items. In the garage was John's black Chevrolet Camaro, John's old Winchester Rifle and a couple of other firearms he had stored away at the back. Their kitchen consisted of a row of counters along the far wall, decorated with a coffee machine, microwave, kettle and utensil pot. Then there were the other necessities, a cooker, a fridge, the table in the middle of the room; where Sam spent most of his time doing homework. 

The living room was large and contained two recliner sofas and a large screen tv. In each corner beside the bay window was a small end table with a lamp on each one, the left one was busted but the right one worked just fine. A glass coffee table sat on the rug just between the tv and one of the sofas, leaving enough room for the chairs to recline. 

In the dining room they had a large oak table with tall chairs. They rarely used this space, it was mainly for when they had special visitors or John's friends from work. At the back of the dining room there was a liquor cupboard. It was locked most of the time, and John was the only one with a key. It was where he kept his fine whiskey and bottles of wine for those special guests. The fridge always had beer, and John wouldn't really notice if one went missing every now and again. 

Dean's room was the only room with a private bathroom. John and Sam shared the main bathroom because it was big, but there was a guest bathroom down the hall next to Sammy's room. The guest room was small and closed in, only containing a toilet, shower, sink and small mirror. Nobody ever really used it. Dean's room was the biggest too, he had space for a huge king sized bed that was pushed up against the left wall with shelves poking out of the wall just above it. Dean had learned not to bash his head against them every morning when he got out of bed by rolling himself over to the other side. It was a good thing he had such a big bed because he seemed to sleep diagonally across it with his hands shoved under his mountain of pillows. At he foot of the bed was the door that led to the bathroom that was decorated with a grey tiled floor and tiled walls that were grey at the bottom and white after a halfway point. 

Dean also had room for a large dresser and a desk that contained lots of random little gadgets he liked to collect, amongst these items were a broken bat signal, little Funko dolls of tv characters, a tiny T.A.R.D.I.S money box and a little plastic cowboy. He had a large CD rack beside the desk and a stereo to play the CDs on - even though his preference was clearly Rock Music, Dean had a rather widely ranged collection of music on his CD rack, he even had some Glee soundtracks. 

Dean's room said a lot about his personality, the posters that decorated the cream walls were personal to him. It was clear he enjoyed movies, especially old westerns. Dean's room also had a secret little cupboard space on the wall that he covered with a poster, John hadn't even noticed it when they moved in but it was the main reason Dean called dibs on that specific room. It was very useful for hiding things.

 

It was October 24th and Dean was laying awake in bed at 3am. He'd turned off all of the lights because he could have sworn he could see a shadow passing from his bathroom and into his room. The faceless people seemed to be climbing out of his nightmares to taunt him in reality. He lay flat on his back with his phone resting on his chest, keeping his eyes locked on the ceiling. If he looked at anything else, he knew he'd see something he didn't want to. The room wasn't completely black, though, and Dean was too afraid to close his eyes. So instead, he endured the flickering movements in the corner of his eye that occasionally would make him snap his head in that direction, only to see someone sitting at his desk one minute and disappear the next. The pills weren't working at all anymore, he'd even taken a few with alcohol and it didn't seem to help. He would sleep for maybe three hours and then wake up terrified like before. 

He closed his eyes for a few seconds but immediately snapped them open and jumped to his feet when he heard a gentle tapping coming from behind him. 

"Fucking hell." He breathed, relaxing a little when he saw the silhouette of messy sex hair outside of his window. It was a good thing Dean's room was downstairs. 

Cas smiled that shit-eating smile and his teeth seemed to be the only thing bright enough to see. He reminded Dean of the Cheshire Cat. 

He tapped again and Dean went to open the window, switching on the light on his way back to the bed. Cas toppled in the window, landing on his front and dragging a book and a lamp down with him from the shelf next to the window.

"Jesus, Cas. Shut up." Dean scolded, heading back to the window to help Cas to his feet. 

Cas was wearing a pair of not-so-skinny jeans and a navy blue t-shirt complete with a giant, purple zip-up hoodie and a pair of purple converse hi-tops. And no eyeliner. 

"Sorry." Cas whispered, picking up the book and tossing it back onto the shelf and placing the lamp on Dean's desk where it didn't belong. "Is everyone sleeping?" 

Dean pushed past Cas to put the lamp back in its place on the shelf. "Yeah, it's three in the Morning, what else would they be doing? Hula dancing?" 

Cas plopped down on the bed and pulled his phone out of his pocket, "you know me, love a luau." He tossed the phone onto the desk, making a pretty loud clattering sound. 

"Dude, keep it down! Why are you here anyway?" Dean asked, making his way towards the bathroom to pour himself a glass of water and drinking it whilst leaning a against the doorframe. He studied Cas for a moment, he didn't even look tired. His eyes were as blue as ever, even in the dim light of Dean's room he could see the individual specs of blue that caught the light so easily and made them shine. 

Cas huffed and flopped back onto the bed, making himself comfortable in Dean's pillows. "I got bored, figured you'd be up. Don't pretend you're not grateful for the company of your favourite jackass." He grinned up at the ceiling and Dean set the glass down in the bathroom, making his way over to the bed.

He tried to make himself comfortable in the space beside Cas before deciding that he needed to be against the wall. "Shift yourself, you're on my side. And get your damn shoes off of my bed."

Instead of getting up and letting Dean have his space, Cas rolled over so he was on top of Dean. It was pretty awkward, considering Dean was on his side and Cas was on his front with Dean's shoulder jammed into his rib cage. Dean just shifted his weight a little and Cas went toppling off. 

Cas kicked his shoes off and then shrugged his jacket onto the floor, leaving him in jeans and a t-shirt. 

Dean rolled over to face Cas, their noses only about an inch apart. "Your jeans are making me uncomfortable, there's sweats in that drawer." Dean smiled, pointing at the drawer behind Cas. 

Cas just wriggled like toddler would if it was trapped in a highchair and within seconds his jeans were discarded on the floor. "Better?" 

"Better, but you're so lazy it's unnatural." Dean smirked and pulled Cas closer to him. 

It was warm with them huddled so close together, it wasn't as if Dean's room was cold, but there was a heat between them that was more like the warmth you get from wrapping yourself in a duvet and eating hot soup when you're sick. 

"Your pyjamas are making me uncomfortable." Cas groaned as he fidgeted against Dean. Cas was at least 5'9" and he was extremely toned and muscular, but he somehow seemed so slight and tiny in his mannerisms. Dean was only two maybe three inches taller but Cas seemed to fit so easily in his arms. 

Dean grumbled into Cas's shirt as Cas put his cold hands on his back, subtly trying to push the threadbare tee up and over Dean's head. It was a struggle, as everything seemed to be with Cas. Eventually Dean reluctantly pushed away from Cas's warm embrace to pull his own damn shirt over his head, frustratingly pulling Cas's over his head too. He instantly snuggled back into Cas, propping his chin on Cas's messy bed head. 

Cas nuzzled closer to Dean, their bare chests pressing close together. Dean adjusted his head so that he could see the tattoos that were covering Cas's left shoulder, tracing over an Ace playing card and enjoying the feeling of Cas shiver against him. 

The room was still light, but both boys were fully aware of the time. Dean found it easier to sleep with Cas beside him, it was like he was protected. It had only happened three or four times, but every time Dean woke to the feeling of drool on his chest he felt rested and calm. It was something about Cas's presence that kept him from tripping balls in Nightmare Land. 

Before either of them knew it, they had their faces only centimetres apart. Cas trailed his hand down Dean's side and hooked his thumb into the waistband of his sweatpants, using his other hand to pull Dean's face just that little bit closer to close the gap between them. 

Dean's heart stopped. It stopped and he wasn't sure he was going to be able to get it going again. He and Cas didn't kiss much, they'd only really been getting close over the space of two weeks. Since that first kiss in the motel, Cas had been spending more time in Dean's room; mostly playing video games and breaking stuff. Once or twice Cas had pecked him after he won a game and he was feeling cocky but other than that, nada. 

Neither of them could think of why they didn't kiss more often. Dean freed his arm from underneath Cas's body and cupped his face, sliding his hand back a little further so that he could tug on his hair as Cas claimed his mouth. His other hand moved straight to Cas's ass, pulling him closer. Cas's tongue pushed straight into Dean's mouth as soon as Dean opened it to take a quick breath, licking and tasting every inch and memorising like a treasure map to everything he desired. The kiss deepened quickly and it was surprisingly not sloppy and embarrassing. Dean pushed himself a little closer to Cas, nipping his bottom lip and feeling Cas grin against his own mouth. He was getting the hang of this making out stuff pretty quickly, and he suddenly found his own sweatpants extremely restricting. 

"See, I told you they were in the way." Cas chuckled, breaking the kiss when Dean tried to wriggle his way out of the sweats like Cas had with the jeans. "This isn't too far, is it?" He whispered, tilting Dean's chin up to look into his eyes. 

Dean stared at the shining blue orbs that had been reduced to thin bands around full blown pupils. He could only imagine what his eyes looked like. "Shut up." He grinned, crushing their lips back together. This time, Dean claimed Cas, kissing him hungrily as he finally managed to free himself from his sweats. He reached his hand back around to grab Cas's ass, Cas doing the same and they pulled each other as close as they could get without becoming one person. Dean was relieved to feel Cas's erection against his own, that could have been embarrassing for everybody. 

The heat bubbled between them, forcing them to intertwine their legs just to get some friction from each other's growing erection. Both boys were suddenly questioning the purpose of boxers in the world because right now all they were doing was making things difficult. Even the duvet was in the way of the two of them, their feet were getting tangled in the loose sheet and trapping them in their attempts to get closer. 

Eventually, Dean pushed the duvet onto the floor, trying his best not to remove his lips from Cas's. Cas began nipping hungrily at Dean's jaw as they both tried to make it to a comfier position without losing the heat. By the time Cas had made his was down to Dean's collar bone, sucking possessive little red marks onto his skin that screamed "you're all mine.", they were both kneeling opposite each other in the middle of the bed. 

"Cas- Cas. We gotta stop a second." Dean choked out, loosening his grip on Cas's hair. 

Cas's head snapped up, looking alarmed. "Why? What'd I do?" 

"Nothing it's just, I can't get my boxers off like this. I gotta stand up." Dean smiled sheepishly, they hadn't really thought this through. 

Once they were both fully naked, they tried not to stare at each other for too long. Dean had never been with a dude before, the only penis he'd seen was his own. And from what Cas had told him, Cas hadn't seen one either. It didn't take long for them to get over it and for Cas to tackle Dean back onto the bed, causing them both to hit their heads together. 

"This is going great." Dean rubbed the sore spot on his head and folded his fingers around Cas's bicep.

"You're ruining the moment. Sit still and let me suck your dick." Cas began to move down Dean's body, leaving a trail of kisses down his stomach.

Dean let go of Cas's arm and placed one hand in Cas's messy black hair and one hand in his own. "Yeah, I ruined it. Way to sweet tal- oh crap."

He was instantly cut off by Cas gently teasing the tip of his cock with his tongue. Dean gasped and bit his bottom lip, hard, tilting his hips so that he was slightly closer to Castiel's mouth. Cas smiled greedily and licked Dean again, dragging his tongue all the way front the head of his cock, down the shaft and to his balls.

Dean bucked his hips again, his cock twitching and throbbing with each flick of Castiel's tongue as he licked him in all of his sensitive areas. It swiftly crossed Dean's mind that this wasn't Cas's first time doing this but when Cas's lips closed around the head of his cock, the thought was quickly dismissed. 

Cas enveloped the head of Dean's cock in his hot mouth, swirling his tongue expertly around the tip, teasing at it once again, licking up the precum that oozed from it and humming contently. The vibration from Cas's humming alone almost sent Dean over the edge, but he gripped the sheets with the hand that had been in his hair and moaned quietly, using his other hand to push strands of messy black hair out of Cas's eyes. 

Castiel seemed to enjoy watching Dean come undone under the heat of his mouth because he hummed again, moving his mouth slowly down Dean's shaft, taking in more of him with every movement. Dean bucked his hips involuntarily and Cas growled, threatening Dean with teeth and gripping his thighs, locking him in place as his head bobbed up and down around Dean's length.

Cas used one hand to gently roll Dean's balls between his fingers as he groaned as quietly as possible, both boys aware that Dean's father and brother were sleeping on the floor above them. 

"Shit, Cas. You sure you've never done this?" Dean whimpered at Cas's expertise, barely keeping himself from exploding into Cas's mouth. 

Cas moved his mouth up, releasing Dean's cock for a second to respond to his praises. "I'm not an idiot, I've been blown before, Dean. I know what I like." In no time at all he was at it again. 

It was seconds later that Dean was spilling himself into Cas's mouth and clamping his own hand over his mouth to keep himself from waking anyone up. 

Cas wiped his mouth and dived back onto Dean, attacking Dean's mouth with his own. 

"Ew man!" Dean gasped, pushing Cas off of him, leaving him a naked, giggling mess on the bed. "I don't wanna taste ... Myself!" 

Cas had let himself go soft, giggling like a child really took it out of him and Dean was slightly disappointed. "I'm hungry." Cas blurted of nowhere. 

Dean sighed, climbing off of the bed and pulling his sweats back on and tossing a pair in Cas's direction. "C'mon, let's go make a sandwich or something." 

Cas pulled an object out of his jacket pocket before following Dean down the hall to the kitchen. 

 

Dean pulled out some sandwich ingredients, along with some yogurt and Lucky Charms. "Those are for you." He said, pushing the cereal and yogurt in Cas's direction. 

"Dean, come here a sec." Cas beckoned Dean over to him, snapping a quick photo of the two of them with the camera he'd got from his jacket. 

"Dude! I wasn't ready!" Dean complained.

"It doesn't have the same effect if you know it's happening, trust me, I'm an artist." Cas admired the picture and Dean stepped back to his sandwich ingredients. "Oh, speaking of art, I need to pick up some new art supplies in a few hours, fancy ditching school and hitting town with me?"

Dean nodded in agreement, he was way too tired to focus in school anyway; tons of people ditched on Fridays. He filled his sandwich with various meats and salad foods, smiling proudly at his creation before glancing over at Cas's station. 

"Dude, seriously?" He asked, disgusted and slightly dumbfounded by Cas's ability to eat this stuff.

Cas grinned at his strawberry yogurt, Lucky Charm, salami and mayonnaise filled sandwich in front of him before picking it up and taking a huge, messy bite of the abomination. "Tastes good." He mumbled with his mouth full, "want some?"

Dean made a face at the sandwich being offered to him, "uh, no thanks. You can keep it." He chuckled to himself before taking a bite of his own sandwich. 

 

The boys slept for the two hours that they could before John was banging on the bedroom door. Cas just stayed in there when Dean went about his morning routine and when he came to get dressed, he discovered that Castiel was already wearing the shirt he had picked out for himself. 

"Dude, I was going to wear that." Dean scolded, fumbling through his drawer to find another suitable shirt. He eventually settled on a plain back tee and threw a red, checked shirt over the top and left it undone. 

"Yeah but I like this one, and you look hotter in that anyway." Cas grinned and smoothed his hands over the Eye Of The Tiger t-shirt he was so fond of. 

Dean frowned at the lack of clothes in his dresser, there had been twice as many t-shirts in there before he had started dating Cas. Cas was a little kleptomaniac when it came to Dean's stuff, but Dean didn't even seem to care. 

Thankfully, John had decided to drop Sam to school that morning so Dean and Cas just made their way into town in the Impala. 

 

Town was quiet for a Friday. 

Cas took Dean to a bunch of old record stores and a clothes store that seemed to only sell things Cas would wear. He didn't buy anything, though. He just poked at a bunch of stuff and said "I want this." Or "I have this." Dean looked slightly out of place in that particular store, but when he looked at how Cas had decided to dress that day he noticed that Cas also looked out of place. He was wearing the same jeans, hoody and converse as the night before but his face looked smooth and childlike with its lack of makeup. 

Dean's tatty jeans and biker boots screamed 'I don't belong here!', but next to Castiel in those particular clothes, they screamed 'I belong with him.'.

They saw other couples in town, most of them were guys in their twenties a girl hanging from their arm, leaning in to kiss every few minutes. Others were older couples, some holding hands and others barely making eye contact. It was like Dean and Cas could smell the unhappiness in their relationships as they passed them. 

Dean and Cas were walking at least three feet apart but Cas would occasionally punch Dean in the shoulder to get his attention when he was being overly enthusiastic about something in a shop window. Castiel was like an over excited puppy sometimes, literally bouncing as he gazed wide-eyed at things that caught his interest. If there were people actually watching the two boys walking down high street they would see Dean watching Cas with a look that could only mean one thing - how stupidly happy that excitable little asshole made him. 

Eventually Dean couldn't take it anymore. Cas had stopped next to a store that sold nothing but paintings. Castiel stared through the window with such awe that Dean was surprised his jaw was still attached. Dean couldn't have cared less about the art behind the glass of the little shop, all he could do was stare at his perfect boyfriend's face. 

Their lips connected before Dean could even comprehend what his body was doing. A few bystanders shot looks in their direction, but neither of them seemed to care. Cas kissed back for a few seconds, it was soft and calm and when they broke apart their were an old couple's eyes on them. 

The lady - who must have been around seventy years old - stepped towards them, despite her husband's protests. "Young man," she said, tapping Castiel on the shoulder, "my husband was wondering if you and your boyfriend would mind having your picture taken?" Both boys looked confused.

The lady's husband seemed to blush slightly but he approached the three of them anyway. "I had a brother who looked just like you," he said to Cas, before moving his gaze to Dean, "and from behind you look like his partner. I have a niece who can work wonders with a paintbrush, see there were rules against these kinds of relationships in my day and - I'm not going to go into it but every photograph my brother and his partner had of them together was burned. I was just wondering if perhaps we could snap a photograph that my niece could turn into a painting of the two of them, it would mean the world to Eric." The old man had a sad look in his eyes, as if he was expecting Dean and Cas to say no. 

Cas smiled at the old man and clapped his hand on his shoulder, "sure, where do you want us?"

 

Dean really wasn't one for posing, he wasn't even happy about having his picture taken by a random old couple. Cas had no problem with it and Dean made a point not to argue about it in front of the kind people that had approached them. 

"Just think, Dean, what if one day there aren't any pictures left of us. We'd want this too." Cas had said. That made Dean feel even worse, he hadn't really thought that hard about how long he and Cas would be together. 

The man had explained that all he needed was something that his niece could roughly copy, the stance and body positions mainly. He had said that their height difference was exactly right. He had the boys stand opposite each other, Cas slightly to the right so he could be seen better. 

After they had their picture taken, Cas disappeared into the art store with the elderly man who wanted to buy some new art supplies for his niece, leaving Dean alone with the lady.

"I'm sorry, I didn't get your names." She apologised, reaching out to touch Dean's arm. She was a tiny woman compared to Dean, she must have been under five feet from what he could see. 

"I'm Dean, that's Cas." He smiled politely, gesturing to the store when he said Cas's name. 

"Those are lovely names, I'm Claudette and that is my husband, Jasper. Our niece is called Tanya." The two of them made their way towards a bench not to far from the store when Claudette seemed to stiffen and her leg wobbled slightly. 

"So, is Eric your husband's brother?" Dean asked, curiously.

Claudette smiled sweetly and her wrinkled face seemed soft in its features as she told the story of what happened to her brother in law. 

Jasper's brother was called Oliver, Eric was his partner. Claudette had said how they never liked using the word 'boyfriend' when referring to their relationship because they were so much more than that. She told Dean that their relationship had to be kept secret, that they met out of high school and that they were the two most in love people she had ever known. Oliver and Eric had been together no more than five years when people in the town began to put it together. 

"It was terrible what they did to him." Claudette had tears in her eyes as she thought back to events of 1971. "They didn't live in a nice neighbourhood, you see. The youths there were raised to think homosexuality was this, terrible disease. A group of boys, no more than fifteen years old, they broke into Oliver's home that he and Eric shared. They only found Oliver home that day, and they beat him, tied him to a chair and burned it down. It was a terrible tragedy." 

Dean felt his chest clench around his heart, he couldn't ever imagine losing someone like that. 

With that, Cas and Jasper appeared in the doorway of the store. 

Cas smiled his not-a-smile-but-Dean-knew-it-was-a-smile smile and practically bounded towards the bench, carrying bags full of art supplies. 

No. Dean couldn't imagine ever losing Cas like that.

He couldn't ever imagine losing Cas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought of the smut in this because I've never written smut before so i don't know what to do. It would be great if you gave me some tips or let me know what you want more of .... Thanks.
> 
> Thank you!


	5. Till Tonight Do Us Part

"Dean, do these sandwiches feel a little off to you?" Cas called from the bottom of the bike ramp.

It had barely moved into November and the weather was colder. The bike park was empty as always, so Dean and Cas would spend a lot of their time hanging out on the ramps. Sometimes Jo and Benny would join them but Ash and Charlie weren't really outside people. Dean quickly realised that Castiel's friends weren't ever actually his friends, just people he would hang out with to pass the time at school. Cas hung out with Dean and his friends now, they had accepted him as their own. 

Most of the school had picked up on their staged breakup - a big fight in the corridor ended mainly in giggles. They weren't cut out to be actors - and now that they were really in a relationship, they acted substantially different.

"What do you mean weird? How can sandwiches feel weird?" Dean squeezed the ham sandwich in his hand and tried to understand what Cas was talking about, sometimes he really didn't understand that boy.

"I mean, they feel kind of ... Moist."

Dean literally flinched at Cas's use of the word. "Don't say that word Cas."

"What word?" He knew what word. And now Cas was making his way back up to the top of the ramp, sandwich in hand.

"The 'm' word. Don't say it." Dean warned. 

"Oh, you mean moist." Cas smirked to himself and Dean found it amazing how a guy of Castiel's build with all of those tattoos and piercings could still look like a nine year old boy at times. He acted like a nine year old boy quite often, except when the two of them were engaging in what Dean liked to call 'hunting' and what Cas liked to call 'eternal damnation by that bammin slammin booty rotation'. Dean didn't know why Cas called it that, because they hadn't actually done anything - penetrative.

"Seriously, don't say it." Dean had dropped his sandwich now, instantly put off by that horrible word. 

Cas was continuing to crawl up the side of the bike ramp, using only the soles of his converse for any kind of stability and grip. 

"Moist moist moist moi-" 

"Ha! You little shit. That's karma, asshole." Dean called down to the bottom of the ramp where Castiel was lying on his back with his arms spread out either side of him and his jacket flared out like a cape. 

Instead of retaliating with another snide comment, Cas simply lifted himself up off of the floor and slipped his arms out of his jacket, placing the hood on his head. He hadn't been wearing as much black lately, and whenever he and Dean were together outside of school he wore t-shirts to show off his tats. The jacket he was wearing was dark purple and the t-shirt underneath Dean could have sworn was his, that little fucker had been stealing his clothes all the time and using the excuse that 'they are big and comfortable'. 

"Dean, look. I'm batman." Cas chuckled to himself and spun around in a circle, making his jacket-cape flare out behind him. 

"I'm pretty sure I'm batman, I've always been batman." Dean argued, deciding whether or not to pick up his sandwich again. He tilted his head over the side of the ramp to see where Cas's Turkey, jelly and potato chip sandwich had landed, spilling out it's disgusting contents onto the metal dome ramp.

Cas was running around singing 'nananananananananananana' with his jacket-cape flowing out behind him when Jo and Benny arrived.

"You're dating a nine year old, did you know that?" Jo smiled sweetly and perched down beside Dean, pecking him on the cheek and earning his award-winning smile in return.

"I am aware - wai- Benny don't eat that!" Dean tore his gaze away from Cas for a second to prevent Benny from a lifetime of scarring.

"Why, wha's in it?" Benny asked, holding up a film wrapped sandwich and sniffing at it curiously.

"Honestly, I have no idea but I'm sure as heck it isn't good for your health." Dean warned, taking the sandwich from Benny and dropping it back into Cas' backpack.

"Nine year old, Dean." Jo teased. "I wanted to ask you, Dean-o, what are ya' getting me from Santa this year?" She winked and prodded Dean's side with her elbow.

"Jo, it's barely November, I haven't decided yet. What're you getting me?" Dean replied, the same amount of snark in his voice as always.

Jo bowed her head and then flashed her pretty little smile at Dean. Somehow, Dean had always thought that Jo's smile could melt butter and her sickly sweet voice could make a murderer settle down and begin to preach. How wrong he was. Her looks were deceiving, her dainty smile and pretty cheekbones and soft, brown eyes were only there to hide the hardened evil behind them. That knife collection she adored so much, Dean had seen the board of her enemies faces and the fear in the eyes of each photograph as Jo tore them to shreds, blow after blow with one of those knives.

But Dean loved her, and he didn't know what he would do without her. Maybe if he told Jo about his, she'd understand - she knew him better than anyone.

"Don't get me nothin', I ain't really feelin' the Christmas spirit this year brotha'." Benny laughed, falling back onto his heels and sitting in a kind of crouch.

Why the fuck was Cas still running around making relentless amounts of noise?

"Cas will you cut that out?" Jo yelled towards him, taking the words out of everyone's mouths.

Cas paused and stomped his way up the ramp to join the others, careful not to fall back down this time.

His makeup had smudged somehow and was all over his eyes and nose. Dean could almost believe that he had done it to give himself a batman mask.

"We were talking about Christmas. Here," Dean smiled in Cas' direction as he handed him his old AC/DC t-shirt that had been stuffed at the bottom of Cas' backpack. "Wipe that crap off your face." He laughed.

Cas did so and then shoved Dean's t-shirt back into his bag. He pulled his legs in and crossed them, resting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. Cas always seemed to look so small when he did that, small and young.

"I have a plan for Dean's present. As for you guys, I'm gonna need a list or some shit because you already have everything." Cas spat in the loving way that he does. Despite the coldness in every word that came out of his mouth, each one seemed to leave kisses on the air around it and make people want to hear more.

Dean loved the way Cas spoke, all rough and masculine. Everybody else loved it too, his voice was unique and perfect. It was addictive, and sometimes Dean felt like if he didn't get his daily dose of Cas's voice he would explode. Of course, he often regretted hearing Cas's voice because it was always one of his asshole comments.

They didn't talk everyday like most couples, which people seemed to find strange. When they first got together officially, Cas had decided to skip school a couple of times.

Each time someone would ask Dean where Cas was, and when he said he didn't know they would say, ' what? Don't you guys talk.' Or, 'he's your boyfriend you must know.' But the truth was, they didn't need to see each other everyday, or to constantly have their fingers interlocked every chance they got. Their relationship was different, it was stronger than most.

Well, strong was a strange word to use because Dean hadn't actually met Cas's family yet. Neither of them had really brought it up and Dean never really wondered why. Maybe he was grateful to not have to go through the awkward dinner interrogation thing.

But then ...

"Hey, wanna come over to my place?" Cas asked one day as they were eating lunch at school. The kid even brought his nasty sandwiches to public places and ate them with no shame, it was disgusting.

"Yeah, sure. Sammy is going to Adam's tonight so it should be fine." Dean wasn't worried about meeting Cas' family, he had grown accustom to Cas's personality and he was sure he could handle anything that might try and top that.

"Okay ... Well it's just me and my brothers. They just want to say hi and then they will leave you alone ... Maybe." Cas grinned his dick grin and took a bite out of a sandwich that looked to contain -

"Cas what are you eating now!?" Dean asked, still disgusted by Cas's strange habit of nasty sandwiches.

Cas looked at his sandwich deeply, as if it contained the answers to all of life's mysteries. "I think it's chocolate spread, pickle and gravy." He smiled into the sandwich like it was his most prized possession.

Dean made a disgusted face, along with everyone else on the table. Cas seriously had problems and none of them dared to question what they were.

Dean drove the quick way to Cas' house and it took half the time without all of the silly detours. They sat in the car for a while, just staring at the house like they had done the first time they parked there. Dean was nervously drumming his fingers into the steering wheel and was suddenly thankful that Cas had been spending most nights at his place. If he hadn't gotten at least five hours sleep the night before, he would probably be having having a panic attack. It was surprisingly easy to not let John find out that Dean had been smuggling his boyfriend into his room three nights a week.

"Just, relax. It's only Luke and Gabe, they're cool." Cas squeezed Dean's shoulder tightly, it hurt, which was good in some way.

Dean nodded but his fingers didn't stop, so Cas squeezed a little tighter and leaned towards him, pressing their lips together gently. Cas was a gentle kisser sometimes, he knew when to make it mean something more than sex or his possessive nature, Dean noticed that about him shortly after their first time. He was gentle in other areas too, but rough when needed, it was like he had some kind of split personality. Dean reciprocated the kiss and found his fingers moving away from the steering wheel as he reached up to cup Cas's jaw. Cas ran his fingers through Dean's short strands of hair and tugged on them gently.

"You're fine." Cas breathed once they separated and Dean just rested his forehead against Cas's. "I love you, okay?"

Dean's head snapped up. They had never said that to each other before. Cas's eyes widened as though he hadn't meant to say it out loud, or maybe it was because Dean was just staring into the those blue pools of seduction and forcing the green of his own to merge with the colour of the sky.

"I love you too, Cas." Dean choked.

He hadn't said that to anyone before, nobody but his mom when he was a kid and pictures of her now that he wasn't a kid. Shit this was big. Dean and Cas didn't say stuff like that, mushy stuff. Even when they had sex they spat insults at each other. One time Cas even called Dean's dick a 'tic tac sized lump of disappointment' before he -

But they didn't say stuff like that. Ever. They weren't a mushy people.

They got out of the car and Cas poked Dean in his side causing him to squirm. He never should have told Cas about his ticklish spot.

Cas's house was nice and friendly, inside and out. It was heavily furnished but looked more like a giant man-cave than a family home. The living room was fitted with bean bags and a game chair, as well as a giant glass structure that held all sorts of photographs and ornaments.

Cas's brothers were in the dining room playing pool on a multipurpose pool/dining table. Neither of them looked much like Cas, but the Dean realised that he and Sam didn't exactly look alike either. Luke had blonde hair and sharp features, he must have been in his late-twenties to early-thirties. He was tall, much taller than Cas or himself and he had a similar grin to Castiel's. He also had tattoos plastered all over his arms which was Dean's first indication that he was in fact Luke.

Gabe looked different to either of them. He had boyish features despite being in his early-twenties. His smile was warm but mischievous and it stretched all the way up to his eyes, leaving little crows feet in the corners. His hair was darker and longer, reaching down the back of his neck and curling around his jaw, but not black like Cas's, more of a chocolate brown. They seemed kind.

"Guys, this is Dean." Cas said, sliding his hands into his back pockets and rocking back on his heels.

Dean just waved slightly, more like a salute really. The brothers halted their game and stared at him, eyes wide. The first thing Dean really noticed about them was that neither of them had the same eyes as Cas, or as each other. Luke had blue eyes, but a very different shade of blue to Castiel's and Gabe's looked like the colour of sunlight flowing through a glass of whiskey.

"Well aren't you a pretty boy!" Gabe chimed, skipping over to pull Dean into a crushing embrace. As he got closer, Dean realised how short Gabe was; he barely made it to Dean's shoulders.

"Leave the kid alone, Gabriel. Nice to meet you, Dean." Luke smiled and patted Dean on the shoulder, leading Gabe away in the process. Luke was about the same height as Dean, but next to Cas and Gabriel he looked like a giant. Dean wondered if he also looked like a giant next to Cas, although there was only a few inches between them.

"Yeah, you too." Dean returned their smiles before he was ushered away by Cas and lead to his room.

His room was different than Dean expected. To be honest, he didn't really know what he'd expected but everything in that room represented clearly who Cas was. The posters on the wall were dark, gothic and artistic, some of bands and some of paintings. The walls were a pale grey colour, like stone. There was a huge stereo in the corner with gigantic speakers that towered all the way to the ceiling and a large, flat screen tv on the wall opposite the huge double bed. There were random little objects scattered all around the room, figurines from games and playing cards and things to hold pens in.

Dean knew that Cas was good at art, he had been sketching in his little sketchbook on the day they met. It was clear that Cas enjoyed art, there were sketchbooks everywhere! There was even an easel in the corner with a half painted canvas resting on it. On every surface there were pencils and paper and paintbrushes and all sorts of creative materials.

"Cas, did you do that?" Dean asked, mesmerised by the mural he had just discovered on the far wall of Castiel's bedroom. There was no furniture against the wall, just a plain space with wonderful art covering it from top to bottom, unfinished.

Cas nodded, blushing slightly as someone noticed his work. Dean approached the art and traced his finger along the detail that had been put there. If you looked at it closely, each thing on the wall was there as an individual, yet it all merged together to create something amazing at a distance. Dean focused his eyes on a small teddy bear that had found a space on the wall. It was painted to look like a wooden bear but it had fluff and stuffing leaking out of one of the ears. It was amazing what could be done with a paintbrush.

"Everything on there means something to me, it's all pretty personal." Cas had plopped down on his bed and was admiring Dean as he stretched on his tiptoes to see things higher up on the wall. Cas liked the way his shirt lifted up and the dimples at the bottom of his back could be seen. "The record is you by the way."

Dean scanned the wall in search of a record and found it somewhere in the middle. It wasn't just a record, it was a record on a record player with 'D+C' etched into it on the side. The music notes that flowed from the record looked as though they were there just to make the wall more complete, but the music sheet above it that looked as though the notes were dropping from it only to look like they are rising to it once they meet the record, he recognised the song on the sheet almost instantly.

"Jet Pack Blues." Dean whispered, almost to himself as he ran his fingers along the dry, acrylic paint. "I didn't know you were even paying attention, Cas." Dean turned to see Cas spread out on his back on the bed, eyes closed and hands behind his head. He crawled over to the bed and curled up beside the cat-like boy, resting his head on his chest.

"Well, Fall Out Boy are my one and only, so I sure remembered your guilty pleasure song when you mentioned by babies." Cas chuckled and Dean's heart warmed at the thought of Cas thinking about things he says at three am after five beers. "You're lucky you didn't say something really gay because no way would I be putting your gay Glee music up there."

"I'm pretty sure what we did after was a lot more gay than Glee." Dean smiled into Cas' - well Dean's - t-shirt. It smelled like Cas, so he'd obviously had it a while.

"Nothing is more gay than Glee." Cas countered.

Dean tipped his head up and kissed Cas's jaw. "You said you love me today. You have no right to judge Glee when you're slowly becoming a character from it." He teased.

Cas didn't respond, he just pushed Dean off of him, flipping him onto his back and straddling his hips. He leaned down slowly until he reached Dean's mouth when he aggressively crammed their lips together. Dean found Cas's hands and placed them on his own waist, under his shirt before deciding the shirt was an unnecessary item for the activity and pulling it over his head.

Castiel broke the kiss, taking in the sight of Dean's pink, swollen lips and grinning. He moved down to Dean's right nipple, taking it into his mouth and sucking gently, rolling the bud between his teeth until he was interrupted by Dean forcing off his shirt and undoing the button on his jeans. Cas reached down and unfastened Dean's jeans too, moving back to his nipple as he did so. Dean moaned slightly, his erection growing in his boxers beneath the weight of Cas's body.

 

Cas's door swung open, slamming into the wall with the force. Cas dropped his forehead onto Dean's chest and sighed, clearly annoyed.

"Oh- shit, sorry. Um, Cassie?" Gabe stuttered at the door, obviously not expecting to see his little brother lying naked on top of another guy.

Castiel huffed and glared at his brother, "what!?" He snapped.

Dean didn't know whether to be pissed or embarrassed as his dick softened and his shoulders tensed.

"There's a girl at the door for you." Gabe informed him before leaving the room, not bothering to shut the door behind him.

Cas's eyes widened and he glanced at Dean to check if he was watching him. He climbed off of Dean and then off of the bed, throwing on one of his own shirts and slipping his left shoe that had been kicked off only moments before.

Dean sat up and eyed Cas as he shifted around the room, fluffing his hair up as if he was trying to make himself look presentable. Dean felt a tinge of jealousy.

"Stay here." Cas instructed coldly.

 

About twenty minutes passed after Cas had disappeared through his bedroom door and skittered down the stairs. Dean had begun to feel self conscious sitting shirtless in Castiel's room so he put his t-shirt back on. Just in time for Luke to poke his head around the door. Dean had been looking through Cas's collection of vinyl records - he had a lot of Fall Out Boy.

"I'm sorry about this." Luke spoke quietly but it didn't stop Dean from jumping at the sound of his voice, spinning to face the blonde man in the doorway.

"About what? What's going on?" Just as Dean spoke those words, he heard the front door to the Novak house shut. Dean was already standing beside the window so he decided to take a peak. He saw Cas, he saw him walking down the street with his hands slotted into his back pockets with a dark haired girl at his side. She seemed to be standing too close for Dean's comfort. Cas was barely picking his shoes up off the ground as he walked and he must have been freezing wearing nothing but his jeans and a t-shirt.

Luke had joined Dean at the window and was watching Cas walk away with the mystery girl. "That's Meg. I'm guessing Cas hasn't told you about her?" He asked cautiously.

Dean shook his head and Luke spilled the beans on Meg. Dean didn't wait around for Castiel to come back.

 

There wasn't much going on when Dean trudged through the door of his home that night. John was watching sports in the living room, Sammy was doing homework at the kitchen table with Adam. Dean managed to slip through the house with only having to mumble his "hello"'s before he could lock himself in his room. He didn't even know what he was getting himself so worked up about, he and Cas had only been together for the better part of a month. Cas had told him he loved him.

Cas had told him he loved him.

Dean shuffled over to his secret cabinet in the wall, pulling the poster that covered it aside and reaching for a bottle of Jack Daniels and some sleeping pills that Alistair had hooked up for him at school. He wasn't even sure if they were actual sleeping pills, the after effect seemed to resemble that of a bad acid trip. Regardless, Dean drowned two pills with a swig of Jack and collapsed on the bed.

It was almost 5am when Dean woke up and checked his phone, sweat soaked and trembling. He pushed himself up onto his elbows, realising he hadn't bothered to switch off the light before taking those pills. The bottle of Jack was still on the pillow beside him but the pill bottle had rolled onto the floor. Dean rubbed his face with his hand and scratched his head before leaning down to pick up the bottle.

He almost screamed when someone grabbed his wrist. It was like no sound could come out, his voice just caught in his throat and his body froze in place. He stared at the bony fingers that had clamped themselves around his wrist. All he could do was drop the bottle of pills and panic. Dean's heart was already racing, but when another arm appeared from under the bed and began to soldier-crawl along the floor his terror hit a whole new level. A small body emerged from under the bed and the hand released Dean's arm. He immediately sprang to his feet, trying to keep himself steady on the mattress.

The body was just a torso with arms and a head, sickly and pale. It's spine looked as though it was about to pierce through the cracking skin and the shoulder blades were sharp and pointy. Dean's breath caught in his throat as he watched the bald head twist left and right, as though it were looking around the room, before doing a complete 90 degree turn and locking onto Dean.

It had no face.

The faceless ... Thing ... Dug its jagged fingernails into the carpet and hauled itself forwards. Dean pressed his back to the shelves on the wall he slept against, his breathing ecstatic and his entire body shaking in terror.

The tapping on the window made him rip his eyes away from the creature for just a second, and when he looked back he saw nothing but his floor and the various items of clothing strewn all over it. His heart rate didn't slow, but he felt somewhat safer when he caught sight of Cas at the window.

Dean examined the floor with caution before hesitantly stepping down from the bed to go and open the window for Castiel.

"What the hell were you doing?" Cas asked, concerned.

Dean thought about telling Cas what he saw but decided against it. He felt like he was mad at Cas for some reason. He hadn't even texted him after he took off with Meg earlier.

Dean took a breath before he spoke to try and calm himself but his voice still cracked. "Nothing, I just woke up." He walked to his dresser and pulled out a clean t-shirt, discarding the sweat soaked one on the floor. "Thanks for abandoning me at your place earlier by the way." He added in the most blunt tone he could manage in his state.

Cas sighed and looked at his shoes, slipping his hands into his back pockets. "That's why I'm here. I just got home and Luke said he'd spoken to you, I just had to come and clear everything up."

"You just got home? You were out with Meg until five in the morning?"

Cas looked sheepish and his eyes screamed nothing but 'I'm sorry', Dean just couldn't believe him until he knew what was going on. He refused to be one of those jealous boyfriends.

He was taking way too long to speak and all Dean could think was that Cas was trying to work out a believable lie. "Look, Cas. I don't care that you went out with your ex, you could have told me you were taking off. You could have at least texted me to say sorry for leaving me alone at your house. Were you expecting me to wait there for you until five freaking a.m?"

"It's not like that! I'm sorry, I am. We broke up in the summer, we weren't ever really together, she was just a summer fling. She doesn't even live in Lawrence. I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was taking off, she said she had something important to tell me and that I had to hear her out ... It's really complicated, Dean." Cas had retreated back to the window, like he didn't want Dean to confront him, but they both knew damn well he was going to.

"Then dumb it down, Cas. Your ex girlfriend or 'summer fling' or whatever just shows up and you take off for eleven hours with her. Oh yeah, not to mention you didn't even let me know you were leaving. I- I'm not mad at you, Cas; I'm just confused. Luke told me you guys had a messy ending, you hit her, didn't you." It wasn't a question. Luke had told Dean that Cas had hit Meg, just like he told him that Cas had taken off to take all kinds of drugs with this girl and had to go cold turkey before school started. If there's one thing Luke wouldn't let his brother do to himself, it was mess himself up with drugs.

Cas sighed and rubbed his eyes, he looked exhausted. Dean could tell he'd also been drinking. "Okay, fine. I knew you'd be mad if you heard it from Luke. I didn't hit Meg, Dean, she attacked me with a smashed bottle and I accidentally hit her in the face trying to get her off me. Her parents put her in a rehab centre before the end of the summer, Luke thought it would be better if he dealt with me himself. I'm clean, just f.y.i. But that's not why Meg was here."

Cas took a deep breath and made eye contact with Dean, holding his attention. "She's pregnant, Dean."

The room fell silent. That's why Cas had been drinking, he hadn't been with Meg at all since the evening.

"Dean, I don't know what I'm gonna do! She's a mess, man. Hell, I'm a mess. Fucking hell this wasn't supposed to happen." Cas began freaking out, his palms were sweaty and he tried to calm himself down and steady himself against the window before he noticed the bottle of Jack on Dean's bed. He reached over and took a long swig from the bottle before Dean snatched it away.

"You're gonna man the fuck up that's what you're gonna do." He snapped. "Cas, this isn't the end of the world, man. It's going to be fine, you just gotta breathe." Dean cupped Castiel's face, forcing him to look into his eyes. He kissed him gently at first, holding him until he kissed back, hands moving everywhere and their breath mixing with the taste of alcohol on both of their tongues.

Cas pushed Dean against his desk, one hand reaching under his shirt and the other palming Dean through his jeans. Dean grabbed Cas's face with both hands, holding him still as he claimed his mouth before Cas broke them apart, leaving them both panting heavily.

They stared at each other for a minute, neither of them speaking. Dean took the moment to admire Cas's face. He only ever really got the chance when Cas was sleeping, but now he had the promise of dark circles under his eyes and the little creases in the corner of his mouth were deeper than usual.

It was as if they both realised at the same time that this wasn't a good idea. Sure, Cas was having a hard time and Dean wanted to comfort him but they were both in a bit of a state and the alcohol in their systems wouldn't help their cause.

"We should sleep." Cas whispered, pressing his face into Dean's neck and inhaling deeply.

Dean nodded and moved towards the bed, Cas still wrapped around him and breathing heavily.

Once they were both under the duvet, Dean realised Cas was crying. It was one of those moments where Dean just couldn't think of anything to say that would even remotely comfort him, so he just pressed their foreheads together and kissed Cas's nose whilst wrapping his fingers in the tangled mess that was Cas's hair.

"I love you." Cas whispered.

"I know, I love you too."


	6. I've Got Troubled Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "That," Dean panted, "beats anything we have ever done." 
> 
> "Hell to the yeah." Cas agreed, holding up his hand for Dean to weakly high-five it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I made you guys wait so long for a new chapter, I shall gift you with both feels and smut! Yaaaaaaay let's all have a party!

Dean didn't know how long Cas had managed to sleep for before John was pounding his fist against Dean's bedroom door but he seemed to be wide awake when he had to run and hide in the bathroom.

Dean kicked the pill bottle from the night before under the bed and pulled his curtain to cover the Jack Daniels bottle on the window ledge before clumsily tripping his way over to the door, almost slamming into it.

"Dean, it's almost two in the afternoon." John stated as soon as the door opened.

Dean tried to hide his surprise, he had no idea he had slept away almost an entire day. "Sorry, intense Game of Thrones marathon last night." He lied.

"That's all well and good, but I've been called into work so I need you to pick Sam up from the activities fair in about thirty minutes so go and shower. I'll be home late so make Sam dinner and do some homework." 

"I don't have any." Dean lied again.

John poked his head in the door and pointed at the huge stack of homework packets on Dean's desk. "I'm not blind, Dean. Do your studying, you graduate this year and I want you to at least make it to the community college."

Dean sighed and nodded. "Sure. See you tomorrow, dad." 

He watched his dad make his way down the hall and close the front door before banging his head a few times on his bedroom doorframe. He had been completely neglecting his studies. It barely occurred to him that he would be graduating in June, what with all of the horrifying monsters that tortured him every night. Dean glanced at the gap between his bed frame and the floor, eyeing for some sort of indication that he hadn't imagined the faceless torso creature that had clawed its way out from under the bed. That pill bottle he'd kicked underneath would have to stay there until he plucked up the courage to actually reach an arm under and grab it, it was almost empty anyways. 

He made his way to the bathroom but barely made it through the door when he heard what sounded like Cas crying. 

Cas was just sitting there in the shower, hugging his knees and sobbing softly. 

"Cas, oh my god." Dean gasped and hurried towards the dark haired mess huddled in the corner of the shower, sitting down beside him and pulling him into his lap. 

Cas didn't loosen his body, tensing his shoulders as he pulled his arms tighter around his head. "What the hell am I doing, Dean?" He choked through sobs. 

"What are you talking about?" Dean kept his voice soft but unpatronising, Cas wasn't a child. 

Cas loosened his arms and propped his chin onto his knee, "what am I doing? I'm going to school and I'm taking tests and I'm painting and I'm spending nights with you and I'm letting myself be happy and it's ..." He was silent for a few seconds, as if trying to find the perfect word. "It's selfish."

"It's not selfish to be happy, Cas. It's really not, how could you even think like that?" 

"Because it's my fault. All of it. Meg, Luke and Gabe, everyone. I gave Meg drugs, I dragged her into this life, I knocked her up, I messed myself up, Luke moved home because of me, Kali left Gabe because of me. It's all because of me. Everything. I ruin everything."

Dean felt like Cas wasn't even talking to him, it was more like he was trying to convince himself that he messed these things up. Dean didn't even understand half of it, he knew less about Cas than he needed to be able to help him.

Cas wasn't crying anymore and Dean wasn't saying anything. He didn't know what to say, he didn't know the stories behind what Cas was telling him; as far as he knew, Cas was to blame for all of those things. He had gotten Meg pregnant after all, or so she says. 

"I bet you blame me for your night terrors too." Cas whispered.

"What the hell?" Dean pushed Cas off his lap as gently as possible but with enough force to gain a reaction. "Cas, I don't blame you for anything at all. These started long before I even met you. You keep my nightmares away, you make it better. As for everything else, I don't know what happened, I don't know who is at fault for those things but I want to believe that it's not you." 

Cas huffed and got to his feet. "You need to go and pick up your brother." 

"Cas, wait."

The next thing Dean heard was Cas slamming the front door behind him. 

 

Sam and Dean spent the evening eating pizza and watching a documentary about penguins. One of the penguins was stealing rocks from another penguin and every single time, Sammy would be in hysterics watching the thief act as if it knew nothing. 

"So, how's Cas?" Sam asked after multiple attempts to make Dean focus on something that wasn't his phone. 

Dean looked up and dropped the phone into his lap. "What?" 

Sam put down the pizza he was eating, as though ready to listen to whatever was on Dean's mind. "Cas, how is he?"

The older boy attempted to keep his expression concern-free, "I'm not sure. He kind of freaked out earlier and he isn't returning my calls or texts." 

"Oh." Sam wasn't exactly a relationship expert, but he sure was smart and he wanted to do whatever he could to help. "He has brothers right? Call one of them."

Dean thought about it for a second, he did actually have Gabe's number in his phone from one time Cas used it to call him after his phone died. Was he really that concerned that he should call Cas' big brother? 

Hell yes he was.

He scrolled through his phone and found the one number without a contact name and ruffled Sammy's hair on his way to his bedroom. 

Gabe answered on the first ring. 

"Is this Dean?" He said sharply, he sounded slightly out of breath.

"Yeah, I was -" 

"Calling about Cas, yeah. You need to get here, like right now."

Gabe hung up the phone before Dean even had chance to open his mouth again. 

"Sammy! I'm going out, I'm not sure when I'll be back but I promise it's an emergency. Eat your pizza and go to bed, you have school tomorrow." Dean called as he rushed towards the front door, pulling a hoodie off the hook and slamming the door behind him. 

He abandoned all speed limits as he drove towards the Novak house. He had no idea what the issue was, no idea how severe or extreme the situation was, but he sure as hell wasn't taking any risks.

He didn't even take the time to park properly. It was only 10pm but it was dark and the street lamps on Cas' street didn't work as well as they could, he doubted the residents would even notice the car. 

Luke was waiting at the door and ran down the steps to meet Dean at the bottom.

"We can't find him." He announced once he was face to face with Dean. "He took a bunch of painkillers from my medicine cabinet and some vodka from the kitchen, I'm talking a lot of painkillers here."

Dean rubbed a hand over his face and sighed, "I feel so helpless in all this. I don't know the story, I don't -"

"All you need to know right now is that he's got enough pills to kill himself, he has more than enough. He also has enough to sell, to buy something stronger. Dean we need to find him. Is there anywhere he's told you about? Anywhere he might go? We've checked the places we know, the mall, railway, the alley behind the art gallery. We even checked Meg's hotel." Luke stopped to look at his watch and sighed.

It wasn't as if it was late, there was still time for Cas to come home. Dean assumed that the main worry was the painkillers that Cas took from Luke. He didn't think Cas would really go so far as to take them, but it seemed as though he knew less about Cas every second he spent with him.

Dean thought for a second before it clicked. "I think I might know." He ran back to the car before Luke could even question him.

He arrived at the bike ramps in less than ten minutes. Cas was there, sitting on the edge of a ramp with his legs dangling over the edge. 

The air was cold and tasted almost bitter. Cas was sitting with his arms wrapped around a bottle of expensive vodka, probably one that Gabe used for cooking. He was wearing a thin grey t-shirt and a faded pair of black jeans with rips and tears all the way up each leg. Dean could see the goosebumps raising the ink of his tattoos. He unzipped his hoody and placed it on the ramp beside Cas, taking a seat next to the bottles of painkillers - he counted at least seven.

"Let me guess, Luke was pissed about the drugs." Cas spat sourly, knocking his teeth a few times against the open bottle neck. 

Dean surveyed the scene before him; Cas sitting on the ramp with the bottle in his arms, there was almost half of it gone. He was cold, but it didn't look like he'd taken any pills or threw up anywhere that Dean could tell. He felt it safe to confront him a little. 

"You honestly think he's pissed because you stole those pills from him? Cas, he's worried -"

"You don't know him!" Cas yelled, throwing the bottle and spraying both him and Dean with vodka. 

Dean flinched and shifted his weight a little, edging away from Cas just slightly.

Cas laughed and it was dark, the kind of dark you hear in movies right before the villain finally goes insane and blows up an orphanage and makes that 'oops' expression. "Oh you have no idea, do you? You think you know but you just," Cas tapped his temple and clicked his tongue, "you just see what you want to. You've got this image of me in your head of this ... this dorky, scruffy little asshole with his weird little quirks and mannerisms and you just - you never see the big picture." 

He turned his head on its side and flashed a nasty grin at Dean. "You don't see the big picture do you, Dean?" His voice was turning more sour with every word.

Dean shook his head. "Tell me."

Cas laughed again. His whole body seemed to turn into someone else, someone scary and dangerous. He wasn't even sitting like the Cas Dean knew, arching his back and supporting his weight with his arms as he leant forward. 

"You want me to see the big picture, tell me. Tell me everything and I'll listen, I'll look at the big picture." Dean moved closer to Cas and idly pushed some of the pills away, slotting a bottle into his pocket.

Cas rolled his head and tugged on his hair. "I ruined Gabe's life." His voice was gruff and he was speaking barely above a whisper. "After that, I ruined Meg's life, and then Luke's. I was a brat. Sixteen years old and acting like a spoilt child." He took a deep breath, as though he was trying to figure out the best way to confess all of his sins to Dean. "I slept with Gabriel's fiancé, Kali."

He waited for Dean to process a response, straightening his back and letting out a long sigh. It was like he was waiting for Dean to judge him, to realise that Cas was a jerk and it actually was all his fault.

"You were a kid, she shouldn't have taken advantage of you. That's on her, Cas." Dean didn't believe Cas would intentionally hurt Gabe that way, he wasn't like that.

Cas laughed again. Some part of him found his behaviour hilarious. "She took advantage of me? You think I'm that weak to let someone take advantage of me?"

"That's not what I meant, I didn't -"

"Sure you didn't. Well, that's not what happened. She was hot. Like, really hot. I'm not exactly sure how it happened, but I'm damn sure I wanted it." Cas watched Dean's eyes fall to his lap and then took another deep breath, laughing his exhale. "I gave Meg drugs, too. She was a sweet little girl and I got her hooked on God knows what and then knocked her up, her life isn't ever getting better. I'm sure being a seventeen year old single mother was everything she ever wanted." 

Cas reached an arm behind Dean and plucked a bottle from the ramp, rattling it in Dean's face as he tried to grab it from him before snatching it backwards and holding it out of Dean's reach. 

"Cas, don't. You don't need to take those."

Cas eyed the bottle, trailing his eyes down the ramp and to the glass he'd shattered before sliding down to join it. "You mean like you don't? Like you didn't put one of these," he shook the pills again, "in your pocket so you can chuck them back later? They won't help you sleep, so I guess you don't need them either."

Dean hung his head and took the pills out of his pocket, placing them firmly on the ramp. Cas grinned his asshole grin. 

"I didn't drink anything, if you're wondering if I'm drunk. The bottle was already half empty." He dropped to his knees on the floor, landing his hands in the broken glass. He didn't even flinch as the glass penetrated his skin and blood began leaking from the cuts.

Dean made his way down the ramp too, helping a reluctant Cas to his feet. 

"Please, come home with me?" He pleaded, holding Cas' hands in his own.

Cas just collapsed in Dean's arms, shuffling his feet as Dean pulled his arm over his shoulder and walked him to the Impala and placed him in the passenger seat. 

They arrived back at Dean's place without saying a word. Dean shot a quick text to Gabe to let him know that Cas was safe and that they could find the pills at the bike ramps if they wanted them back. He took Cas straight into his bedroom before quickly checking in on Sammy who was sleeping soundly with a book pressed to the side of his face. When he got back to his room, Cas was just staring at his bloody hands. 

"That probably wasn't your best idea." Dean pointed out, sitting on the bed beside Cas but keeping his feet from dangling over. 

"Do you think you could pull some of this glass out?" Cas asked, calmer than he had been. 

Dean nodded and led Cas into the bathroom and told him to sit on the counter. He pulled some tweezers and a clean wash cloth out of a cabinet, wet the cloth and began cleaning some of the blood from Cas' palms. Cas barely flinched when Dean began plucking out the larger pieces of glass but he would suck air through his teeth when Dean began pushing the tweezers into the wounds to retrieve some smaller pieces that had buried deep into the skin. 

"I'm sorry." He said, dropping glass into the sink. "I'm being as gentle as I can." 

Cas smiled and used the hand Dean wasn't currently attacking with tweezers to brush a stray eyelash off Dean's cheek, letting his sore hand linger and moving his fingers to the hair above his ear.

Dean smiled, "that's distracting, do you want this to hurt?" 

He felt the hand move from his hair and he felt Cas exhale dramatically. He continued to pluck glass from Cas' hand and wipe away any blood until he felt Cas' free hand snake around his neck, turning his head so that he and Cas were face to face; minus the height difference from Cas being up on the counter. 

Dean dropped the tweezers as Cas snatched his hand out of Dean's and pulled him in for a kiss.

Their mouths moved slowly against each other, warm and inviting. Dean felt Cas's lips part slightly as an invitation to deepen the kiss, Dean obliged. He brought his hands down to rest on Cas's hips, pushing up his shirt and pressing his fingers into the bare skin underneath hoping to leave a mark. 

Cas hummed contently against Dean's mouth, tugging gently on his hair and clawing at the nape of his neck. He wrapped his legs tightly around Dean's waist who took the hint and lifted him from the counter and carried him over to the bed, the entire time keeping their mouths locked firmly together.

Dean felt Cas slowly push backwards on the bed until he was laying flat on his back with Cas straddling his hips. His mouth moved away from Dean's and began kissing him slowly along his jawline and down his neck, sucking gently every now and then to leave a hot, red mark on Dean's skin. He smiled at every moan he managed to draw from Dean's lips, content that he could have Dean so helpless underneath him with only a few flicks of his tongue and some gentle sucks. 

It wasn't long before Dean pushed Cas back and they began helping each other undress, discarding all of their clothes including their underwear. He couldn't help but smile at Cas on top of him, pupils blown wide and eyes filled with lust and emotion as he drank in the sight of Dean naked and compliant beneath him. 

Cas grabbed hold of Dean's hands and pushed them above his head, pinning him to the mattress. "You look so fucking hot." He growled, moving his mouth down to suck gently on his right nipple.

"You're only saying that because I blow you." Dean teased, arching his back slightly and gaining an unexpected moan from Cas as their dicks pressed together. "Gotcha." Dean whispered, repeating the movement. 

Cas moved his mouth back to Dean's, pushing his tongue straight past Dean's lips and moaning lustfully into his mouth. He reached a hand down and gripped Dean's cock in his hand, Dean jumped and head butted Cas accidentally. "Gotcha." Cas giggled, gently beginning to stroke Dean's length, using his other hand to link their fingers together so he could keep one of Dean's arms pinned to the bed. 

Dean moaned and used his free hand to reach down and begin pumping Cas, savouring every gasp that sent his own body writhing with electricity. 

"Slow down," Cas panted, letting go of both Dean's hand and cock and placing both hands on his chest, catching his breath. "I have an idea, if you want to that is." 

Dean raised his eyebrows and nodded for Cas to explain the idea. Cas simply lowered one of his hands again and tapped his forefinger gently against the tight ring of muscle between Dean's butt cheeks. Dean's body twitched slightly and he grinned.

"Seriously? Now?" He questioned, excitement seeping into his voice. 

"I'm game. Do you want to?" Cas shrugged, gently grinding against Dean.

"Lube is in that drawer." Dean stated and Cas grinned and pecked Dean on the lips before reaching into the drawer and grabbing the lube and a condom.

"It's hammer time." He chimed, wiggling his eyebrows and Dean laughed. 

Cas poured some of the lube onto his hand and began warming it up, making sure his fingers were fully coated. He propped himself above Dean and leant down to kiss him gently, bashing their noses together. 

Dean didn't really know where to look, Cas was half looking at him and half looking at where his hands were going to make this as least awkward as possible. He moved his hand down to Dean's entrance, moving a finger gently around the area and exchanging a consenting glance with Dean before pushing it gently inside. 

"Wow ok," Dean announced suddenly, causing Cas to snap his head back up and look at him. 

"You've never done this to yourself before, I'm guessing." Cas laughed, keeping his finger still until Dean looked more comfortable with the intrusion.

"I tried once or twice, I always chickened out." Dean explained. "I'm assuming you have."

"Only once. Can I move it?" Dean nodded and Cas began moving his finger slowly in and out, slowly at first but gaining some speed once Dean was more comfortable. "I figured we had to do this at some point, one of us needed to know what he's doing." 

Dean soon got used to the pain, it just burned a little. His body wasn't used to things being inside him this way. Cas worked his finger in and out and Dean began to enjoy the feeling more and more. 

"You okay?" Cas asked, placing gentle kisses down Dean's stomach and Dean nodded. "You good for me to add another finger?" He asked and Dean nodded again. 

Once Cas had pushed his second finger inside, the burning returned but the pleasure sky rocketed, this time Dean knew what he was expecting. 

"You know, this is actually pretty damn enjoyable. We should have done this ages - ah shit Cas!" Dean yelped louder than he should have and bucked his hips.

"Whoop, there it is." Cas chuckled.

"Holy shit do that again," Dean begged, pulling Cas down for a kiss and Cas scissored his fingers, pumping them in and out whilst making sure to hit Dean's prostate a few more times.

His smile widened and his dick twitched as Dean emitted such beautiful moans under him, desperately clutching onto whatever he could, twisting his hands into the sheets. 

"I'm going to add one last finger if that's good with you?" Cas asked and Dean nodded frantically, he wanted to get on with this. 

Cas added a third finger and waited, taking Dean's booty wiggle as a sign to get moving. He pumped him a few more times and readied him as much as he could.

Dean crumbled underneath him, his breathing wavered and his forehead dripping with sweat. They hadn't even gotten to the good part yet. He was holding his moans back as much as possible, aware of Sam sleeping in the room above them. 

"You ready?" Cas asked hopefully.

"Fuck yes, fucking fuck me right now." Dean panted, grabbing a handful of Cas's hair and squeezing his eyes shut. 

"Oooo calm down there Mister bossy bottom." Cas teased, removing his fingers and sliding a condom over his length. 

Cas knelt up and hooked Dean's legs around his hips and ground against Dean's entrance just slightly to get him ready for something bigger than his fingers as Dean bit his lip hard, wrapping one hand around Cas's bicep to brace himself.

Cas slowly pushed the tip in and felt Dean's grip on his bicep tighten. He bent his head towards it and kissed his knuckles. "How are you doing, tic tac dick?" He asked as genuinely as was possible for him.

"Mhmm, keep going."

Cas obliged and guided himself until he was in fully, resting on hand on Dean's chest and monitoring his facial expressions. 

Dean was slightly uncomfortable with the new intrusion, his ass was burning a little and it was difficult to get used to. "Give me a minute." He said through his teeth, feeling Cas move his head down and place gentle kisses along his collarbone. It was distracting in the best way. 

Dean shifted his hips a little to test the feeling before deciding he was good to go. "Move your booty you beautiful bastard." He laughed, giving Cas a gentle ass slap. 

Cas smiled and kissed Dean hard before pulling out slightly and pushing back in, hitting Dean's prostate on the first go. He smiled contently to himself as Dean moaned and he began moving faster. 

Cas began building up a rhythm, Dean placing a hand on his hip and leaving marks on the soft skin with his fingernails.

Dean began to moan loudly and Cas had to remind him a few times that Sam was sleeping upstairs. Cas was panting heavily as a slammed into Dean again and again, hitting Dean's prostate hard and having to clamp his hand over his mouth to quiet his moans. 

"Jesus, Dean," Cas groaned, angling his hips and thrusting again, expertly hitting the spot. He watched as Dean slowly became a hot mess beneath him, clutching at sheets and scraping his nails down Cas's thighs. 

Cas sped up slightly, looking to Dean for a signal to either stop or keep going, ready to oblige to either. 

"Shit - fuck Cas!" He screamed as quietly as possible, pulling himself up to grip Cas's shoulders and kiss him sloppily, pulling him back down on top of him and panting against his open mouth. 

Cas took that as a sign to keep going. He pounded into Dean harder and faster, rocking the bed more and more and ignoring it as it slammed repetitively into the wall. If Sam woke up then so be it.

"I'm close, Dean" Cas panted into Dean's shoulder, moving his hand to Dean's dick and started pumping it in time with his thrusts.

Dean swore loudly and came all over both his and Cas's stomachs, Cas following seconds after. Their heads spinning, moaning and panting as they rode out their orgasms together. 

They slowly came down from their highs and Cas pulled out, tying up the condom and tossing it into the bin before flopping down on the bed next to Dean.

"That," Dean panted, "beats anything we have ever done." 

"Hell to the yeah." Cas agreed, holding up his hand for Dean to weakly high-five it. 

Dean reached down hesitantly to grab a t-shirt from the floor, snapping his hand back up before anything could grab it and using the shirt to clean his and Cas's stomachs. 

"We'll shower tomorrow. We have school." He said and Cas whined and rolled against him, draping his arm over his stomach and nuzzling his head into the crook of his neck. 

Dean smiled and pulled the duvet over them both, kissing Cas's shoulder tattoos before dozing off into a gentle sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boom. they finally had the secks. 
> 
> What did you guys think of this? Some emotional Cas, some comforting Dean, some back story. 
> 
> I wonder how this Meg thing is going to go down *sinister smile*


	7. We Drown Traiters In Shallow Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Dean!" Charlie called, ushering him into the boys' bathroom. 
> 
> "What are you -" he began to question before spying Ash and Benny sitting across from each other on the floor, legs crossed and laptops between them. 
> 
> "Fall Out Boy tickets go on sale in four minutes." Ash answered, not looking up from his screen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know this chapter is short but I figured I might as well get something up so you guys know I haven't abandoned this fic.  
> I've been working through some of the plot and I already have the next three chapters in the works, they just need some ordering and editing and I'll be uploading again more frequently. 
> 
> As always, there are mentions of drug abuse and mental illness in this story so the entire work has a Trigger Warning. 
> 
> Enjoy!

A mirror shattering was what woke Dean. 

He snapped his head up and looked at the pile of glass on the white floor in the corner of the room. He looked up to see an entire room filled with mirrors. Different types, all sizes and shapes with different frames or no frames at all, all of them just hanging on the wall like some kind of gallery, all touching edge to edge so that the wall they were hanging on could barely be seen whatsoever.

Slowly, he got to his feet, noticing they were bare and cold. He walked over to a cluster of mirrors on his right to see his reflection, but it wasn't his reflection he saw.

He saw a woman. A blond woman with wavy hair to her waist and fair, flawless skin. Dean tapped the glass, unsure if what he was seeing was real. "Mom? Is that you?" He whispered. 

The woman nodded slowly before flickering like a projection. Dean jumped back just as she screamed and sped towards the mirror, knocking it from the wall and causing it to shatter at Dean's bare feet. 

He took a deep breath and moved to another mirror with an engraved pattern around the frame. In this one he saw Sammy, playing with a little soldier on a floor that matched the one on Dean's side of the mirror. He didn't tap the glass this time, he just watched his brother play. Dean began to smile, the sight of his baby brother melting his heart with nostalgia.

Suddenly Sammy's eyes snapped up and locked onto Dean's gaze, making him jump. His face was sickly and pale, eyes red and sunken in. Within seconds, his skin was crumbling and peeling and falling to the floor around him. Dean shook his head and covered his mouth, stepping back slowly to avoid the glass that had shattered around him. He watched Sam cry through the glass as his body slowly turned dry and fell apart like charred paper. 

The mirror fell from the wall and shattered at Dean's feet. 

Dean was wary about the next mirror, but there was nowhere to go and every wall was covered from floor to ceiling with mirrors, there was nowhere else to look. 

The next one was Cas. He was holding a baby in his arms, cooing at it gently whilst it slept. Dean smiled at how natural he looked holding the smaller version of himself in his arms. 

"Hey, gorgeous." Cas whispered, putting his finger to his lips and shushing. Dean nodded and Cas's gaze trailed to the left. Dean looked behind him and a dark haired girl pushed past him, climbing through the mirror from Dean's side to Cas's, taking the baby from Cas, pecking his lips and turning to lock eyes with Dean. Then the baby was gone and Cas was all over Meg, hungry and lustful as he slammed her back against the mirror, knocking it to the ground like the others. 

Dean fled back to the middle of the room. "No no no." He whispered, realising that everything he loved was shattering around him. He was doing this, breaking them. 

He sat down in the middle of the room and buried his face in his knees "I won't look. They won't fall if I don't look." He told himself.

"Dean?" A voice whispered, a familiar voice. It sounded kind and inviting, like it wanted to help.

Dean lifted his head slowly, wiping tears in his sleeve and looking around to where he heard the voice.

"Dean, over here." It said. 

"Jo? Jo is that you?" He asked desperately. He followed the voice to the back of the room to a mirror with a delicate frame. 

Behind the glass stood Jo, perfect and kind as always. "Jo I am so happy to see you!" Dean chimed, placing his hand on the glass. 

She smiled at him, sickly sweet and not at all like herself. She reached a hand behind her back slowly before whipping it back and hurling a knife at the mirror where it stuck. Dean jumped backwards as the knife stopped only inches from his face. 

The force of the knife must have done something because suddenly every mirror in the room was shaking and Jo was laughing maniacally. Every single mirror began dropping from the walls and shattering on the floor. 

Dean tried his best to avoid the glass, standing on shards every second and crying in pain as it cut his bare skin. Eventually the whole floor was red and the walls were coming alive. Out of each one, at least ten pure white faceless people were forming from the wall itself, flickering and jumping towards Dean, reaching out to grab him as he ripped his feet to shreds trying to escape before realising he was trapped.

 

He woke up for real, drenched in sweat and panting. 

Cas was beside him, sound asleep on his own side of the bed. Dean checked the time; 2:34am. He'd only been asleep for around two hours. He reached behind himself carefully and felt around in his secret cupboard in the wall. It was empty. 

He needed some sleeping pills if he was going to get back to sleep, and he really needed to be able to focus in school. The only place he knew of where there were definitely some pills was under his bed. 

The room was dark and Cas was sleeping soundly, so he turned on the lamp from the shelf behind him and took a deep breath. 

"Come on, Dean. There's nothing under there. You're imagining it all." He told himself quietly before climbing carefully over Cas and shining his phone torch under the bed.

Empty.

He could see the pill bottle and it was in reach, so he pushed his arm under and retrieved them quickly, panting and relaxing when nothing attacked him. 

"Why are you on the floor?" 

Dean almost jumped out of his skin at the sound of Cas's voice. He looked up to see Cas lying down, head on the pillow and both hands under it, his hair was almost in his eyes and he was staring questioningly at Dean. He looked adorable. 

"Fuck, Cas. You scared the crap out of me." He said, standing up and putting the pills on the dresser behind him. He then realised he was still completely naked from the night before. 

Cas didn't seem to notice. His hair was super messed up and it had fallen down and covered his eyebrows in thick strands. Dean didn't want to brush it away because it just looked too cute. Normally during the day Cas would just push it back with his hand and it was thick enough to just stay up without falling more than half way down his forehead.

"Sorry." Cas grumbled and closed his eyes, instantly falling back to sleep. 

Dean quickly swallowed down two sleeping pills and clambered back into bed, cuddling up as close to Cas as he could before falling asleep with his head resting between Cas's shoulder blades.

* 

When they woke up, John was home so Dean instructed Cas to get ready in his room and then climb out of the window and knock at the front door ready to carpool. 

"Rise and shine, Sammy!" Dean called up the stairs after packing his school bag. 

"I've been awake for ages," Sam stated as he jogged down the stairs completely ready. "No thanks to you." He added under his breath, but Dean still heard. 

"What's that supposed to mean?" Dean asked, sipping at his coffee.

"It means I got woken up last night and couldn't get back to sleep." Sam spat, glancing at John who was reading a paper at the table and then back to Dean.

Dean's eyes widened and he choked a little on his coffee. 

"Oh." He said, his voice barely working. He couldn't believe Sam had woken up, that was so embarrassing.

"Yeah, and I have a test today. So I sure hope you enjoyed yourself." Sam grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl and sat down beside John.

"What are you boys going on about now?" He asked, barely looking up from his paper. 

"Nothing." They said together, and this time John did look up. 

"Sure." He said, clearly not believing them. "You had better get to school" he told them, so Dean led Sam out to the impala where Cas was leaning against the hood wearing both Dean's jeans and his shirt. 

Sam trudged his way down the path to the car and opened the back door of the impala. 

"Morning, Sam." Cas chimed, grinning as usual.

"Morning, did you have a good night?" Sam asked, casually.

"I did actually, I fucked your brother senseless." Cas teased, winking and sliding into the passenger seat.

Dean's mouth gaped open as he tried to comprehend the fact that Cas actually just announced that to Sammy, and just when he thought it couldn't get more awkward than that ... 

"I didn't need to hear that. I didn't want to hear that. I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that, for all of our sakes." John glared at Dean as he got into his car and pulled away. 

Dean banged his head a few times on the roof of the impala and tried to ignore both Cas and Sam in hysterics inside. "I can't believe that just happened." He said in disbelief, sliding into the driver's seat and heading off to school. 

 

"Dean!" Charlie called, ushering him into the boys' bathroom. 

"What are you -" he began to question before spying Ash and Benny sitting across from each other on the floor, legs crossed and laptops between them. 

"Fall Out Boy tickets go on sale in four minutes." Ash answered, not looking up from his screen.

"You can only get three tickets per person, figured we'd get them all at once." Benny added, gesturing to the two laptops. 

Jo and Charlie were sitting on the sink unit, swinging their legs over the side rhythmically as Benny and Ash clicked various body parts in preparation, building some kind of extreme tension in the bathroom. 

Dean pressed his back against a tiled wall and watched as his four friends waited, listening to the clicking of Ash's knuckles, Benny's gentle tapping as he swept his fingers over the keys of his laptop and the melodic thumping of Charlie's Doc Martin's dominating the sound of Jo's suede ankle boots as they bounced off of the sink unit. It was completely unexpected, feeling a sudden sense of nostalgia. Dean realised that he would be leaving this all behind in a few short months - or rather, it was leaving him behind. 

He watched as Jo picked at the ends of her blond curls, discarding a split end onto the floor. He noticed Charlie silently drumming her thumbs against her thighs, almost as if she was playing a phantom video game. He counted four - no, five - times that Ash smoothed his mullet, a habit that only emphasised all too well his vanity. Benny tweaked his cap, then tweaked it again, and again; constantly readjusting it on his head and sweeping the stray hairs from his bangs back under the brim. Dean knew he would miss his friends and all their quirks, everything they brought to his life, the excitement and happiness - yet he couldn't ever wish them to stay in Lawrence with him. He knew that Charlie and Ash were heading to MIT and Benny was moving to Georgia with his sister to study architecture, they were going to move on with their lives.

More than once Jo had tried to get Dean to consider going to New York with her where she planned to study medicine and more than once, Dean had declined. Sure, his dad could afford to send him to a good college if he got the grades he needed to graduate, but what would Sammy do whilst Dean was off studying in New York? There was no way he could leave him behind. Dean would just attend a community college in Kansas, or even get a full time job at Ellen's Diner, he had his options wide open. 

"SHIT!" Ash yelled, tearing Dean away from his thoughts as he frantically slammed the refresh button on his laptop. 

Everyone except Benny huddled around Ash's laptop, watching as the transaction for the concert tickets completed and cheered when the 'order confirmed' screen appeared. 

"The screen froze, I thought we'd lost them for a second there." 

"That's six tickets booked." Benny confirmed. 

The sudden beeping of the school bell earned a groan from everyone in the bathroom and the group agreed to keep the Fall Out Boy concert a secret from Cas until Christmas before heading off to class, hoping he'd appreciate the chance to see his precious band live on stage. 

 

Dean filled three pages of notes during his English lesson after finally reading Of Mice and Men due to more than enough empty hours to fill each night. Mrs Mills completely disregarded all friendship groups when paring students for a shared task which resulted in Dean working cautiously with Alistair Kingsley for thirty minutes. 

"I'm way too stoned to do this work, dude." Alistair announced, picking at the corner of a piece of paper. 

Dean raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"What's that look for?" Alistair asked, grinning slightly. "You looking for some merchandise, Winchester?" 

Dean flickered his eyes to the task in front of him and scribbled on his page. "Do you have anything new that would help me sleep?" He mumbled, unsure whether he really wanted to ask the question. Everyone in school knew that Alistair was a dealer who sold all sorts of unlabelled pills, powders and plants; you never knew what you were getting with him, but he'd taken the risk before. 

Alistair thought for a moment before shaking his head, "'Don't think I have anything stronger than what I've already given you, 'got a fair few things that'll keep you awake though." 

Dean nodded instinctively, he figured he'd might as well try something new, his sleeping pills he had weren't going to help at all for much longer. The effects of being medically knocked out were wearing off each night and the nightmares returned faster than usual, maybe staying awake was the next best thing. 

Once the bell had dismissed the class, Dean found himself behind the school building trading $15 for an unlabelled bottle of red pill capsules. He slotted the bottle into his pocket and made his way to his car where Sam was already waiting. 

Dean smiled and unlocked the car to let Sam inside just before he felt a familiar tug on his elbow.

"Hey Cas." Dean smiled, leaning down to peck Cas carefully on the lips and only earning an aggressive shove in response that pinned his body against his car. Cas claimed his mouth possessively with next to no warning, linking their fingers and gently pushing their hips together.

"I missed you after English, where'd you take off to?" He asked once they broke apart, ignoring the irritated knocking of Sam's knuckles against the back window. 

Dean bit his lip and kissed Cas again, briefly, the familiar action reawakening memories of the night before and sending shocks through every nerve in his body. "I just had to go to my locker, I knew you'd wait." He teased, unlinking their fingers and hooking his through the belt loops on Castiel's jeans, gently pulling him closer.

Cas grinned and moved his lips to Dean's ear, nipping playfully at the lobe before whispering, "I'd wait for you forever."

Dean turned his head and caught the momentary look of sincerity in Cas' eyes. He meant that, he actually meant it. Dean would never get used to the rare, fleeting moments of raw emotion that overwhelmed Cas' features so intensely, reshaping his entire face to one that adored Dean, that was truly afraid of losing him, one that truly loved him. 

The dark haired boy coughed and pulled away from Dean, smiling. "Gabe wants me home for dinner tonight so I can't hang out. I'll see you tomorrow maybe." 

Dean nodded and pulled him in for one last kiss, taking his time to explore Cas' mouth, just in case he didn't see him tomorrow. Neither of them really wanted to let go and head their separate ways but Sam's incessant knocking on the window eventually had them waving goodbye from across the parking lot. 

"You guys are so cute." Sam teased, clambering over the seats and into the passenger seat.

"Dude. Car."

"It's fine, it'll still be here when you're dead and buried, then it's mine to wreck." Sam winked and Dean just turned up the music, drumming his hands against the steering wheel to the beat.

"Oh Sammy, you will never own this car!" He yelled playfully before driving home.

_______

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added some foreshadowing here for future events, I would love to hear what you guys picked up on! (I won't confirm or debunk any theories, I don't want to spoil) 
> 
> Are you enjoying this fic? I would really appreciate some feedback.
> 
> I apologise for grammar and spelling mistakes, I write this entire work on an iPad with no autocorrect and a touch screen keyboard which is HELL. Also, it's 2:30am and I've been staring at this screen for almost four hours just working through the plot. 
> 
> I'll probably upload the next chapter within the space of two weeks but I make no promises!


	8. The Best Of Us Find Happiness In Misery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group all talked over each other for a few minutes, holding more than one conversation with various people in the group before Jo silenced everybody.
> 
> "So tomorrow night the fair is open, we should all go and then spend the night at my place." 
> 
> "I'll bring the beer." Ash announced, fist-pumping the air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm uploading this early as I won't be able to update for a while.
> 
> Enjoy!

Cas had barely acknowledged his situation with Meg and he was acting no different than usual. Whenever Dean asked him about it, he just shook it off and changed the subject. Dean tried not to confront him about it, but there was an unidentifiable feeling that was nagging at him, a feeling that seemed to resemble fear.

Things didn't look up for Dean over the next few weeks, though, despite his hopes. It was already the middle of November and Christmas was drawing close but he had no idea what he wanted to get any of his friends. He spent most of his time hunting down some old guitar his dad had asked for and maybe put in some time to do the incalculable amounts of schoolwork he had been missing. During the night when sleep just wasn't an option he would force himself to try and decipher some equations or begin an essay, however it was revealed to Dean that sleep was in fact a necessary factor when it came to studying.

Cas was being his usual self, which included skipping school. Despite his horrendous attendance record, Cas had been managing to pass every test and assessment that he was present for and had already earned himself a place on the honor roll. Although it took almost a week for Cas to decide he could take some time out of his video game schedule, Dean finally managed to convince him to tutor him. 

“Dean, if i’m going to actually teach you stuff, you have to actually pay attention.” Cas had demanded one evening after Dean had insisted they make out before they studied.

Dean agreed that it was probably best to get as much studying done whilst he had the ability to focus, so he and Cas spent most of their time together learning about algebra and the Periodic Table, or reading from some book Dean didn't care for. It didn't take long for Castiel to get frustrated with Dean’s ignorance for education, the kid just didn't know how to pay attention. 

School had already been a struggle for Dean throughout November, he’d gotten in trouble for ditching that Friday with Cas to go shopping for art supplies and Cas hadn’t even bothered to make an appearance for his punishment; leaving Dean to sulk by himself in detention. 

Jo had been picking up on Dean’s restless state, too. After almost every class they shared she would question the purple circles that deepened and darkened every day, always persisting when Dean shrugged off the subject. She made idle comments on his shaky hands and his jumpy behaviour and had even had to catch him a few times when he lost his balance and almost toppled over. Dean knew it was useless trying to hide things from her, he just didn't want to burden Jo with his problems when he knew she couldn't fix them, not to mention she'd probably tell Cas and he wasn't really prepared to be called a hypocrite by his equally damaged boyfriend. 

They still had five weeks before Christmas break and Dean couldn't wait to be free of his history teacher's droning voice for at least a couple of weeks. He picked at a flakey piece of wood under his desk and waited for the bell to dismiss him from the dreary rambling of Mr Crowley, before stumbling through the crowd of students as they all filed trough the door and out into the halls. 

“Dean, have you been … drinking?” Jo exclaimed, catching up to Dean in the corridor after watching him shuffle his weight past crowds of students chatting at their lockers. 

When Dean didn't respond, she grabbed his shoulder to keep him from retreating to the men’s room, almost knocking him over with the sudden gesture against his weak balance. 

Dean paused at a set of lockers and rolled his eyes, dropping his head back and letting it against the metal, “It’s Wednesday, people don't drink on Wednesday, do they?” He slurred. 

Jo sighed and shined the torch from her phone into Dean's eyes, scoffing when he squeezed them shut and pushed her phone away with his hand.

"You're a mess. Drinking in school? What are you trying to do to yourself, Dean? It's also Thursday, so you'd better clean yourself up for your test tomorrow." She shook her head in disappointment, "I thought better of you." 

Dean huffed out a sigh and lifted his head off the lockers, opening his eyes and readjusting to the light. "I swear, Jo. I haven’t even been drinking today." 

Jo’s eyes turned hard and daring, she wasn’t ever one to back down from a confrontation, especially when it concerned the wellbeing of her best friend. 

Dean's whole body swayed to one side and Jo pushed him back upright, holding onto his arms to keep him steady. Amongst the green of the lockers and the blue of the floor, Dean could see shadows passing and merging together in a blur of colour and noise. Something told him that Jo was trying to look after him and he wanted to acknowledge that, however all he could think about was colours and images and the way little dots formed around the individual figures in the hallway and how they danced like white-noise on the television, invading the conversations of yellow and purple people with butterflies on their skin and those strange wiggles that form under street lamps appearing every time they moved. 

Jo shook him and his eyes snapped down to look at the yellow and red shadow in front of him, surrounded by dancing dots. He could hear the creak of Jo's red leather jacket when she moved and the sound grated on him, irritating him more than something so simple should have irritated him.

"Why are you so spaced out? It's like you're -" Jo rolled her eyes and ran her hand through her gorgeous, blond hair as she realised what was going on. "What have you taken, Dean?" She asked, her voice thick with authority. 

Charlie had told The Group that she had seen Dean talking with Alistair, the most well known stoner in the school, when they were in English class. She hadn't thought much of it at first, not until she saw Dean follow him out and disappear behind the school. It wasn't hard to put two and two together.

Dean’s eyes widened a little, although he could have thought they’d been wide all along. Everything in his head seemed to be spinning as though he’d just gone five rounds on a loop the loop roller coaster only to get off and be spun around in a cotton candy machine. Everything he saw was so surreal, his head was just filled with noise and it was hot and pounding. Jo's voice seemed to resemble a robot speaking through a megaphone underwater. 

“Keep your voice down, will you?” He clamped his hands over his ears and stumbled forwards, Jo’s slight body being the only thing for him to land on. She struggled holding him upright, but other students in the corridors were beginning to stare at the two of them. 

Jo gripped Dean's bicep and steered him into the girls' bathroom where two girls were taking selfies in the mirror. 

“Get out.” Jo spat, and both girls looked as though they were going to tell her to shove it, but as soon as they saw the tiny girl holding all of Dean's dead weight, barely standing, they huffed and scoffed before whispering rudely as they left the bathroom. 

The room echoed when Jo dumped Dean on the floor, letting him land heavy and feeling satisfied when he groaned in pain. She reached for the shower-tap and tugged it from its setting, stretching it as far as it would go before spraying the ice-cold water all over Dean.

“Woah! What the fuck!?” he yelled, throwing his hands up to try and keep the water at bay. The water felt like knives piercing his over sensitive skin and he wasn’t sure if the feeling of water dripping down his face was blood or not. His body went numb and goosebumps littered the pink flesh under the green material of his shirt. 

Jo didn't stop right away. She continued to spray Dean with the hose until he stood up and ripped it out of her hands and dropped it in the sink. 

“You need to tell me what you've taken.” Jo demanded. Dean could see her eyes now, and the more his vision cleared the more scared he got by the look she was giving him. His head was sore and his muscles ached from his lack of sleep, the cold water must have lessened the effects of the pills he'd taken. 

He took a deep breath and allowed himself to slide down the wall, landing in the pool of water Jo had created with a splash. “I don’t know. Pills. They keep me awake, that’s all I know.” He admitted, trying his best not to sound completely pathetic. 

Jo sighed and plopped down beside him, “Dean, why in the hell are you taking drugs? This isn't like you …” 

“I know, I know, I’m sorry.” He was sorry, but that didn't mean he was going to stop. She had no idea how much those little pills helped him, how much he needed them - something - to keep him awake. She had no idea what he would experience if he fell asleep. 

Jo let her eyes trail over Dean's form, he was looking at the way the water was running over the fabric on his jeans. She thought hard about what she said next, “Is - is this to do with ... " her voice wavered as she decided whether or not she should finish speaking. "Does this have something to do with Cas?” She said, her voice low and careful. 

Dean’s head snapped up and Jo seemed to flinch and shift away from him, almost like she was acting upon instinct. “Cas? You think this has something to do with Cas?" He was almost yelling, "Jo, Cas isn't some kind of drug addict, if that’s what you’re trying -” 

“No! No, that’s not what I’m trying to say. I just - we all know Cas had a bit of an issue last year, people talk ..." 

Dean rubbed his hand through his wet hair, "Jo, Cas doesn't know about this. He doesn't take drugs, not anymore. I need you to not tell him about this." He almost pleaded, making eye contact with Jo and holding her gaze as she tried to look away. 

"If you can promise me this was the first time ... and the last time, then sure I'll keep it between us." Her voice was softer now, as though she knew she wasn't about to receive the answer she wanted. It was like she was testing the lie, waiting for it to roll off of Dean's tongue and drown in the water beneath them. 

Dean broke eye contact as Jo's sincere brown eyes began searching for the truth in his green ones, instead he let himself submerge any thoughts he had of lying into the water beneath him, staring at his distorted reflection. He watched his face swim in it, mangled by the ripples and harsh lighting of the bathroom, he watched it consume his entire face until it was only an unrecognisable shape being reflected. He opened his mouth to lie, to tell his best friend that of course he would never take drugs again, that he can manage without them and he doesn't rely on them. He wanted to tell her that it was the first time he'd fallen so low that he needed a release from his nightmares, no matter the cost, no matter the consequences. 

But he couldn't do it.

"That's exactly what I thought." Jo said softly. "Go home, Dean. Take a shower and get some rest, we'll talk about this when you're sober" 

_______________________________________________________________________________________

"I bare gifts." 

Sam smiled as he opened the door and took in the sight of a pizza box and what was clearly a bag of candy bars that Cas was holding. 

"Then you may enter." He laughed, holding the door open for Cas to walk through, taking the pizza from him and carrying it through to the living room.

"Honey, I'm home!" Cas called playfully once he'd removed his coat and was making his way into the living room to join Sam.

Dean emerged from his bedroom, showered and fully recovered since the fiasco in the bathroom with Jo, and stood to face the two boys with his hands on his hips, "and what sort of time do you call this?" He retorted in the same playful tone as Cas had before. 

Cas fluffed his hair with his hands and made his way towards his boyfriend, gripping his waist and thrusting their hips together. "I'm sorry, baby." He fake whined. "I'll get down on my knees and make it up to you?" He added, his voice soft and playful as he prolonged the domestic-movie-turned-porn role play game, winking and licking his lips before kissing Dean hard on the mouth. 

"Get a room." Sam groaned and Dean laughed, pushing Cas away gently.

"Sit your ass down, lover-boy, you can apologise properly later." Dean teased, slapping Cas's ass and winking at Sam who rolled his eyes. 

The three boys sat on the floor and ate pizza whilst Cas helped Dean with his history homework and Sam completed some of his own.

Before long, Sam had fallen asleep with his head tipped back against the sofa with chocolate around his mouth and about a dozen candy bar wrappers in his lap. 

"He reminds me of my brother, Gabriel. There's a real sweet tooth on that one." Cas commented, packing away his extra credit chemistry work and dropping his head into Dean's lap, who was sitting cross legged on the floor. 

The blond haired boy smiled and ran his fingers through Cas's messy black strands. "He probably had a sugar high and now he's crashed. Chocolate is like glorified crack, it's great."

Cas was still for a long time and Dean continued to play with his hair, gently tugging on random strands now and again to maybe gain a reaction, but he got nothing.

"Cas, you okay?"

Cas sighed with his entire body before lifting himself back into a sitting position. "I went to Meg's baby scan this morning ... That's why I wasn't in school." 

Dean muted the television and faced Cas, allowing him to get whatever he wanted off his chest. 

"She's four months pregnant, she has a bump and everything." Cas smiled slightly with affection and Dean couldn't help but mirror him. "They put this gel on her stomach and the picture came up on the screen, it was so weird. I couldn't get over the fact that the tiny little human on that screen was my baby ... I made that. It has a face and everything, hands and toes, it's actually a human being - and it came from me." He smiled again.

Dean leant forward and pecked Cas gently on the lips, taking in the look of adoration in his eyes. "Did you get a picture?" He asked.

Cas nodded and pulled the little piece of paper out of his pocket, handing it to Dean. The small distorted figure in the picture couldn't help but spark a slight feeling of jealousy in the pit of Dean's stomach, someday he was going to have to share Cas with this baby. 

"You're going to be a great dad, Cas. This baby is going to be so lucky to have you." Dean smiled and handed the scan picture back to Cas, letting their hands brush as he did so. 

Sam stirring next to them snapped them out of the moment and Dean mumbled his apologies, lifting his brother into his arms before carrying upstairs to his room. 

"I think if anyone is going to make a good dad someday, it's you." Cas said when Dean came back into the room. 

Just then, Dean's laptop came to life, the screen lighting up with a Skype call. 

He clicked the answer button to see Jo, Charlie, Ash and Benny in individual boxes around the screen. 

"Hola signor!" Charlie chimed, waving at Dean through the webcam. 

"Hey guys." Dean replied, moving the laptop from the floor to the table.

"We couldn't get hold of Cas so -" 

"I'm here!" Cas called, sliding into view. 

The group all talked over each other for a few minutes, holding more than one conversation with various people in the group before Jo silenced everybody.

"So tomorrow night the fair is open, we should all go and then spend the night at my place." 

"I'll bring the beer." Ash announced, fist-pumping the air. 

Everyone nodded and agreed in unison. The state fair was always around this time of year, usually closing at the beginning of December before opening up again in the spring. Dean would usually go with Sammy, however Sam had already informed him that he would be going with some friends from school. 

"We should only take two cars though, it will make things easier." Dean advised, before adding, "not mine if we can help it, I don't want to drive baby through the mud up there."

Everyone sighed at Dean's pet name for his car. 

"We can take mine." Cas offered. "I live closest to Charlie and Ash so I can pick you guys up, Dean and Jo can ride with Benny." He said, noting that Jo and Ash didn't actually own cars. 

Everyone agreed and they continued to make plans for the evening. Everybody planned to contribute some alcohol and it took almost thirty minutes to convince Charlie to bring over her beloved Oculus Rift games console. 

A knock on Jo's door disrupted the conversation and everyone went silent out of curiosity. 

Jo disappeared from her screen briefly before almost running back into view and tripping over a chair. "Guys I have to go. I have a date." She said breathlessly, as though she'd just been running up a flight of stairs.

"With who?" Benny asked, slightly possessively.

"Zeke. I have to go!" She said again before her little box disappeared from the call.

Everybody just stayed silent for a while, all subtly watching Benny's reaction. They'd all picked up on the way he looked at Jo, like he adored every breath she took. Nobody ever commented on it, though, not even to each other; keeping it an unspoken truth between them. Dean had subtly tried to see if Jo herself had noticed with minor hints, she seemed clueless as far as he could tell. 

Benny coughed, breaking the silence. "So, uh, who's Zeke?" He enquired, his eyes looking like the life had been drained out of him. 

Cas cleared his throat, "I'm just going to get um ... something from - something from the kitchen. Be right back." He made a 'dude, do something' expression at Dean as he left the room, excusing himself from the awkward tension. 

"A guy from our biology class." Charlie informed him, hesitating slightly. 

"Wa-hey, Ellen's out of town, that girl is getting so-" Ash began, being immediately cut off by Dean.

"Nothing's going to happen, it's their first date, Jo isn't like that." Dean hoped that was enough to keep Benny from crying right there on the Skype call. 

He was half right.

"I think I have an assignment due tomorrow or somethin', I'll see you guys." He said before he logged off.

"Well that was painful." Cas called, sitting back down beside Dean with a box of lucky charms, scooping the dry cereal out with his hand and eating it. 

Charlie looked up from where she was doodling and smiled sympathetically, "Jo is so blind, he looks at her the way you guys look at each other. How does she not see that?" She said directly to Dean and Cas. 

All four of them sighed in unison, this Skype call had gotten uncomfortably awkward. 

"I'm taking off, I'll see you guys," Ash pointed at his webcam dramatically, "in hell tomorrow. Adios amigos." Also logging off and leaving the call. 

Charlie logged off shortly after.

Dean closed his laptop, turned the volume of the TV back up and pulled Cas onto his lap, running his fingers through his hair and occasionally feeling the cool metal of Cas's piercings as he fiddled with the shorter strands behind his ears. 

Cas closed his eyes and took Dean's free hand in his own, squeezing it gently before lifting it to his lips and kissing it.

"I couldn't imagine being in Benny's position, having to just endure while the person you love just doesn't even notice." Dean said in a low voice.

Cas kissed his hand again and snuggled closer to Dean. "Hopefully you won't ever have to."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next 2 or 3 chapters are going to be full of happy, fluffy moments that I'm really looking forward to writing! 
> 
> I'm doing my best with the foreshadowing here guys, keep a look out!
> 
> Feedback on these last few chapters would be greatly appreciated!


	9. I'd Burn The City Down to Show You the Lights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Cas, don’t rock the seat.” Dean warned.
> 
> “Dude, we’re like ten feet off the ground.” Cas retorted, gently rocking the seat with a huge grin on his face.
> 
> “I’ll push you out.”
> 
> “You wouldn’t dare.”
> 
> “Try me.”

Dean opened his eyes to a dark room; he was uncomfortable and aching.

A lingering warmth was on his left side, like a weight had only recently been lifted from it. He lifted himself up from the floor and flopped back onto the sofa, rubbing his eyes before checking the time on his phone.

It was 3:36am and a notification alerted Dean to three text messages.

 

1:43 – Jo: _BEST. DATE. EVER._

2:00 – Jo:  _I might invite Zeke to the fair, if that’s cool with y’all?_

3:27 - Cas: _sorry I had to leave. Gabe called me home. See you in_ _school._

 

Dean sighed and tossed his phone, watching it bounce off of the sofa cushion and land on the floor. He grunted in frustration and reached down to get it, feeling a tinge of pain in his aching muscles. He abandoned the phone and made his way to the bathroom that John and Sam shared, switching on various lights as he went.

He opened the medicine cabinet and scanned his eyes over the arsenal of pill bottles that lined the shelves amidst the bandages and alcohol rub. The top shelf held all kinds of painkillers so he grabbed a bottle and hoped for the best, throwing two of the pills to the back of his throat before swallowing them with water and returning the bottle to the cabinet.

Dean almost jumped completely out of his skin when he closed the cabinet, catching his own reflection in the mirror. He could have sworn he saw a hand on his shoulder. He just shook his head and took a deep breath, “you’re going crazy,” he mumbled to himself before splashing some cold water onto his face and heading back downstairs to his bedroom.

Once in his room, Dean took out a homework packet for chem and began scribbling down the simplest answers at his desk. His old Metallica alarm clock ticked silently and the seconds seemed more like minutes, the longer Dean was awake, the longer the night seemed. It seemed strange to him how the days and nights were slowly merging into one, that the dates got muddled up and things he did a week ago seemed like years in his past. He glanced to a stack of papers on his right, noticing an off-white piece on the top. He picked it up, realising it was an application form for an art college in San Francisco, Cas must have left it there.

Jo had been pestering Dean to apply for colleges too recently, asking him to go with her to New York.

“It would be so much fun!” she’d said as they walked around the shopping centre looking for Christmas gifts.

“Jo, at the rate I’m going, I’m not even going to graduate.” Dean countered, continuing to search for the complete Game of Thrones boxset for Benny.

Jo looked at him sympathetically and continued to blabber on about the two of them sharing an apartment. “We could be actual college students and eat cereal out of saucepans and cook toast in the microwave and we could even convince Cas to come – that is if he doesn’t get accepted into Harvard or something – and we could have parties and mixers and it would be so much fun!”

Dean payed for the boxset and stopped Jo from getting herself too excited, “It’s not going to happen, Jo. I’m not going to get the grades I need.”

“I’ll help you.” She suggested. “Just apply, just fill in the application and see what happens, you might be surprised.”

 

Dean placed the application form back on the pile and turned back to his homework. _I guess it wouldn’t hurt to apply,_ he thought to himself. He had Jo offering to tutor him, and he had a ton of extra time on his hands now that he was barely sleeping. No, he wouldn’t make it. He could barely count to ten when he was under the influence of Alistair’s pills, so he pushed all thoughts of college to the back of his mind, including any he was having about Cas possibly moving to San Francisco after graduation.

Dean finished off his homework packet and began to feel tiredness creep up on him. It was becoming such a habit, reaching behind the poster on his wall and retrieving the bottle of pills he kept stashed back there. This time it was the bottle of red pills as opposed to his usual over the counter sleeping meds, he swallowed two of them and lay back on his bed, letting his pillow act as a levee for all of the weight he’d been carrying.

It didn’t take long for the pills to kick in and Dean closed his eyes, giving himself the illusion of sleep as colours danced behind his eyelids and his body began to lose its density, letting him float a few inches off of the bed. He felt like he was floating on a warm pool, the water lapping at the skin behind his ears and bobbing his body gently as it sunk slightly below the surface, only to be pushed carefully back up and held steady by the condensed liquid. He was on cloud nine, watching fireworks explode in front of him as his eyes clamped tighter as if his eyelids were being drawn together by magnets. He felt his brain slowly switching off, as his thoughts began to cloud and fade to black before he could almost perfectly visualise his brain turning to lead and dropping like a weight to the back of his skull. His whole body was numb and his thoughts and memories were non-existent. If he could fathom a thought, he might think that he was experiencing what death itself felt like; nothing. Although he wasn’t sleeping, the effect the pills gave was even better. They allowed his body to shut down completely, his heart rate to slow and his brain to become inaccessible. He was completely paralysed from head to toe.

However, that was only the effects of two pills. One pill didn’t have the same effect, it only slowed down his motor and thought process. With one pill, his body felt like it was in a constant state of numbness; like that feeling people get when they sit on their leg too long and it’s almost impossible to move it until the pins and needles feeling sets in. It made it difficult to function, like the entire time they were in his system it was like his body just wanted to switch off and it made his stomach twist and his brain turned to scrambled eggs. He hadn’t known what the pills would do when he first tried one in school earlier that day when he was caught and reprimanded by Jo. After a quick google search and a strange chat forum, Dean decided it was best to just take two, relax, and wait.

The pills worked wonders. Dean was pulled back into reality when Sam gently tapped on his door and asked for a ride to school. He felt like he’d slept for a week, sitting his History test with ease and practically sprinting towards Cas when he saw him at his locker on his way to the cafeteria.

“Hey gorgeous.” Dean chimed, gripping Cas’s waist and pulling him in for a kiss.

It was wonderful. Like it was the only thing he needed to make his day perfect and now that he had it, nothing could ruin his mood. He was rejuvenated and the taste of something sweet that lingered on Castiel’s tongue made Dean hum against his mouth, claiming him like he was ready to fuck him senseless right there against the lockers.

“Woah there, fellas, these pervs are getting’ a free show!” Ash slapped Dean on the shoulder and the boys broke apart, eyeing the crowd of freshman girls across the corridor.

“Maybe we should start making porn.” Cas suggested, playfully.

Dean slipped his hands under the hem of Cas’s t-shirt and grinned, “maybe we should.” He joked, nipping at Cas’s lip.

Then, Jo, Charlie and Benny swept down the corridor and Jo launched herself onto Castiel’s back, earning herself a piggy back ride to the cafeteria.

“So, funfair tonight. Can’t wait.” Charlie spoke around a mouthful of pizza, Cas sitting behind her idly braiding her thick, red hair.

“About that,” Jo cut in, “Would you guys mind if I invited Zeke?”

Everyone at the table looked at Benny in unison, followed by Jo’s confused stare. Benny didn’t seem to notice, just idly poking at his fries with his fork.

“I kind of thought it was just going to be a friend thing … you know, just the six of us.” Charlie said quickly, taking Cas’s hand and holding it as though she needed some kind of friendly support.

Benny looked up and caught the eyes staring at him before turning to see Jo nodding absently.

“Yeah, I’m sorry I don’t know what I was thinking. Of course it’s just a friend thing, not a date.”

Everyone smiled, even Benny attempted one under the glare of Charlie.

The rest of lunch went smoothly as the group planned their evening.

 

 

Later that night, Dean arrived at the fair with Benny and Jo in Benny’s dad’s old pickup truck before Cas, Charlie and Ash.

“Hey, whilst we’re waiting can one of you win me a teddy bear?” Jo bounced like a child, holding onto one of Dean’s arms and one of Benny’s. Dean shot a wink at Benny and excused himself to the bathroom, before walking straight past the row of porta-potty’s and out to the parking lot as soon as Benny and Jo disappeared into the fair.

“Dean-o!” Ash cried, pulling Dean into a crushing embrace.

“Hey, what took you guys so long?”

“Charlie takes forever to do her hair. Like, actually forever.” Cas informed him, earning himself a playful nudge from the tiny red-head.

Dean smiled and looped his arm around Cas’s waist, leading him into the fair.

For a while, the group watched Benny try – and fail – to win a giant teddy bear on the hook-a-duck stall before Ash stepped in and won it first time.

Then they headed over to the bumper cars, paired up and selected their cars.

Jo jumped ahead of Dean and perched her butt in the driver’s seat, leaving Dean to complain about how she doesn’t even know how to drive.

“That’s what makes it fun.” She countered.

Only ten seconds in and they were already being targeted by Cas and Charlie, who each had their hands on the wheel and were expertly manoeuvring their way around the track. Ash and Benny had been cornered by two cars containing a bunch of giggling middle schoolers and the others were in stitches whenever they tried to break free, only to be bumped hard and sent sliding back into their corner with Ash yelling profanities at the ten year olds.

By the time their tokens ran out, Ash and Benny were still only just escaping their captors, whilst the other two pairs were lined up ready to head-on joust across the track.

“That was so much fun!” Charlie beamed, clambering onto Cas’s back as he purchased them both a stick of cotton candy.

“We kicked their asses.” He laughed, carrying Charlie over to a bench where she dismounted and tucked in to her sugary treat.

Dean and the others followed shortly, explaining that they had to almost carry Ash away from the vendor as he demanded a refund on his unsatisfactory bumper car experience.

“Holy – Dean, can we go on the Ferris wheel?” Cas exclaimed, almost dropping his cotton candy as he practically attacked Dean’s shoulders, shaking him almost violently.

“Yeah, of course. You guys up for it?”

“I will!” Charlie announced, elbowing Ash as a signal to agree.

“Sure thing man.” Ash agreed.

“Not me, I don’t do heights.” Jo grimaced, eyeing the giant wheel.

“I’ll keep Jo company, y’all go ahead.” Benny offered, shooing the others on their way.

Once at the front of the queue, Dean paid for both himself and Cas before climbing into the carriage next to his excitable boyfriend. The wheel moved slightly to let the next pair – Ash and Charlie – board the carriage and Cas bounced in his seat like a hyper child.

“Cas, don’t rock the seat.” Dean warned.

“Dude, we’re like ten feet off the ground.” Cas retorted, gently rocking the seat with a huge grin on his face.

“I’ll push you out.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“Try me.”

Cas rocked the seat again and Dean sighed dramatically.

“See, you love me too much.” Cas leaned over and pecked Dean’s cheek playfully.

With that, the wheel started moving slowly upwards.

As they rose higher, the entire fair became visible. The view was breathtakingly beautiful, the lights cascaded in gorgeous synchronisation against the jet black sky. Like the black was a canvas being draped over them, painted marvellously by the neon lights that flickered and flashed against it, bringing it to life. They rose above the fair and they sat in silence, just staring at the view in front of them. The higher they got the less the sky was affected by the life of the fair, the less black it became and more deep blue. It was projecting some form of quiet, not the quiet you get from muting the tv or sitting alone in your bedroom, the kind of quiet you get when its 3am and you’re laying with your head resting on the chest of the person you love and the only sound you hear is their heartbeat, and you can feel that it’s in perfect harmony with your own. A tranquil silence.

Dean imagined what Cas could do with that sky, that blank canvas. He could paint the very stars onto it himself. In Dean’s mind, all Cas had to do was breathe and there would be a new star born in the sky. To him, the day Cas didn’t breathe would be the day the canvas was full, only when there were no more stars to paint and no more moons to draw, that would be the day Cas stopped breathing, because he’d have finished his work.

Suddenly, the wheel stopped. They were right at the very top, and if they looked down they could see Charlie and Ash below them.

A man called up to them but they were too far away to hear what he said.

“The wheel has broken down.” Charlie called from below them, before returning to her conversation with Ash.

Nobody seemed to be panicking, and Dean supposed that was because they all had such a wonderful view up there.

Cas sighed and shuffled closer to Dean, resting his head on his shoulder.

“Look at all those stars.” He almost whispered. “Look how inferior we are to everything that’s out there. This vast, ginormous universe and here I am on a Ferris Wheel with you, just looking at it all. It’s so spectacular to think that everything I do is so insignificant in the big picture, that there’s this ginormous, never ending maze of creation and I’m just inside it all, like an ant stuck in a drainpipe with only one exit that leads to the sewer he’ll inevitably drown in, when there is this whole other world happening above him that he’ll never get to experience. He’ll just die, too small and irrelevant to leave a mark on the world.” He took a deep breath. “That’s all we are, Dean. Ants. We’ll never leave a mark on the universe, we can only move in one direction that ends in us being inevitably erased from all creation and forgotten.”

“That’s okay though, isn’t it?” Dean asked, leaning over Cas and kissing his nose. “We’ll leave a mark on each other, and that’s ours and nobody else’s. Think of it as something more than an ant in a drainpipe, think of it as a canvas. Someone is sculpting this entire, never ending universe, and they’ve taken the time to paint us as intricate little details in their masterpiece. Us dying is just the smaller version of a star dying and becoming a black hole. It’s the same thing, a star has a life span, it dies and consumes everything around it. It’s like space grief. When a person dies, they do the same thing. We are just a smaller universe than the one out there, and that’s great.”

Cas lifted his head and smiled, pressing his soft lips to Dean’s and kissing him tenderly. He pushed their foreheads together and looked at Dean through his dark eyelashes.

“I wish I could give you every single star in the sky. You deserve them all, every single one.”

“I have one.” Dean cupped Cas’s face and kissed him again before releasing him. “One is enough for me.”

Dean and Cas kissed until the wheel started moving again then re-joined Charlie and Ash and attempted to locate Jo and Benny.

“Guys!” Benny called, jogging his way towards them. “I think we should head out. Jo and I went on those swing things and man can that girl throw up.”

The group agreed and made their way back to the parking lot and dispersed in their carpool groups.

Back at Jo’s, Charlie was sitting on a couch holding a cold flannel to Jo’s forehead as she clutched a bucket between her knees.

“Hey, maybe we should just all crash and get drunk another night.” Cas suggested, handing Jo a glass of water.

“I’ll sort the beds out.” Dean offered, nudging Ash on his way to the linen closet.

Jo and Ellen’s house was a two storey apartment above Ellen’s Diner. It was spacious and comfortable, and Jo’s bedroom was large enough to fit two inflatable double mattresses, along with Jo’s king sized bed. 

Dean and Ash began pumping up the individual mattresses as Charlie helped Jo into bed before clambering in beside her. Cas and Benny provided sheets and blankets for the mattresses and paired up.

“Would you rather lose a leg or an arm?” Dean questioned the group after changing into his sweatpants and cuddling up with Cas on their designated air mattress.

“A leg.” Charlie answered instantly.

“Ash is gonna lose a leg if he kicks me one more time.” Benny groaned, dramatically snatching the duvet away from Ash on their shared mattress.

“Would you kiss a member of the same sex for one hundred dollars?” Jo grumbled from under her duvet and Dean, Cas and Charlie all snapped their heads up in unison.

“That was a joke, right?” Charlie asked with a smile as Dean playfully avoided Cas in his attempts to kiss him, earning some tired laughs from Ash and Benny.

“Oh yeah.” Jo giggled, snuggling into Charlie.

“I’m hankered.” Benny stated, yawning and draping his arm over Ash’s waist.

“Don’t be gettin’ any ideas, friend.” Ash scoffed, wriggling a little to fit more comfortably into his little-spoon position.

“No sex on my air mattresses. I’m looking at you, Cas.”

“Honey, it takes two to tango.”

“Nobody is tangoing in my room.”

“Tell that to Bert and Ernie over there.” Dean cut in, gesturing to Ash and Benny who were already dozing off in each other’s arms.

It wasn’t long until they were all silent, none of them sure who had dozed off and who was still awake.

Dean found it easy to sleep next to Cas, he barely got any nightmares at all and the ones he did have were hardly distressing enough to wake him. He wrapped himself around Cas, feeling the warmth from their bare chests mingling in the small space between them.

“Cas, you awake?” Dean whispered, pressing his lips lightly to the nape of Cas’s neck.

Cas grumbled in response and snaked his arm behind him and over Dean’s hip, pushing his fingers under the band of his sweatpants and just resting his hand on the warm flesh beneath them.

“Will you go on a date with me?” Dean asked, his voice barely audible as he spoke close to Cas’s ear so as not to wake anyone.

“That’s the first time you’ve asked me on a real date, Winchester.” Cas replied, mimicking Dean’s hushed tone.

“Is that a yes?”

“Yeah, baby. Go to sleep.”

“I love you.”

“I love you more.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE SO MUCH INSPIRATION.
> 
> I don't know how I feel about this chapter but its happy and that's all I need!  
> Let me know what you guys think!
> 
> The next chapter hasn't been written yet although I have planned it. Let me know what you would like to see in the next chapter and I'll see what I can do. 
> 
> I really hope you guys are enjoying this fic, I'm proud of how far I've managed to bring it so far and I have big plans!  
> Thank you to everyone who have stuck by me since the beginning, just knowing that one person is reading this gives me inspiration to keep writing.


	10. When the City Goes Silent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Stay here.” He instructed.
> 
> Cas looked around at his dark surroundings, too black to even see the road that was only a couple of feet away from the car. “You can’t be serious.”
> 
> “Just stay here.” Dean said again before disappearing into the woods, taking the light of the flashlight with him and plunging Cas into complete darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's super short and that's because I have to read a boring book for college. yay.   
> I just wanted to get their date written and if I added much else it would be too long.
> 
> There is smut though! yipee!!
> 
> The next chapter is also going to be around this time and I'm hoping to get it up by Christmas, because that's what it's about!   
> (although I might do a small filler chapter to help it flow a little better.)

“Daddy needs some sexy time!” Cas called, opening the door to Dean’s home with his own key that Dean had made for him.

John Winchester stopped abruptly on his journey from the kitchen to the living room, through the corridor that just happened to cross the path of the front door.

“Good afternoon, Castiel.” He said, almost professionally.

“Good day Mr. Winchester, allow me to re-introduce myself,” Cas scratched the back of his head awkwardly but regained his composure, holding his hand out to John, “My name is Castiel and I make extremely inappropriate jokes.”

“That I’ve noticed.” John smiled and shook Cas’ hand. “Dean is in his room, tell him that we are having a talk later.”

Cas nodded and half bowed on his way to Dean’s bedroom, trying his best to avoid John’s intense glare.

“Wowza, that was awkward.” Cas closed Dean’s bedroom door behind him and pounced onto Dean’s lap, slamming his laptop closed and sweeping it to the other side of the mattress before positioning himself more comfortably with his legs straddling Dean’s hips.

“You’re calling yourself ‘daddy’ now?” Dean teased, tucking his finger under Cas’ chin and kissing his lips gently.

“You want me.”

“I do.”

“Let’s go, Winchester.”

“Wow, dirty talk.”

“You know it baby.”

Cas bent towards Dean, kissing him hard and gently grinding his ass into Dean’s cock in attempt to get him hard.

“My dad’s in the other room.” Dean protested, breaking the kiss and stilling Cas’ movements with his hands on his hips.

Cas groaned and collapsed onto Dean’s chest, tracing circles over his t-shirt as Dean began running his fingers through Cas’ thick, black hair.

“Last night you agreed to go on a date with me, Cas. Why don’t we go tonight?” Dean asked shyly.

Cas lifted his head and kissed Dean’s nose. “Name a time and place.”

 

“Dad, we’re going out!” Dean called from his bedroom door, pulling on a warm, black sweater and a pair of heavy boots.

“I take it this isn’t a dinner date in a fancy restaurant.” Cas laughed, noting Dean’s choice in attire.

Dean scoffed and tossed Cas his own long sleeved, dark blue t-shirt. “Change.”

“What’s wrong with this?” Cas asked, slightly offended as he looked down at his torn tank top, that revealed the tattoos Dean was reluctant to see him cover up, and black skinny jeans complete with his usual purple Converse high-tops.

“Just change. And you’re going to need a jacket.”

Cas obliged and then fetched his purple hoodie from his jeep that was parked outside.

Dean grabbed his backpack and emptied its contents onto the bed before disappearing out of the room, returning after a few minutes with the backpack full and zipped closed.

Cas just stood leaning against a wall and watched Dean hurry about, disappearing from the room and returning empty handed before he finally stopped and kissed Cas unexpectedly, passionately.

“Let’s go.” He said, holding Cas’ hand and leading him out to the impala.

Dean drove straight to a pizza place and purchased two medium pizzas to go, instructing Cas to hold them for the remainder of their journey.

“Dean, where are we going?” Cas asked once he noticed they had driven away from all of the main roads and were turning onto a back road he didn’t recognise. “You’re taking me somewhere to kill me, aren’t you?” He teased when Dean just tapped his nose in response, only slightly concerned about where the two of them were heading.

They drove up a road that seemed to spiral upwards, completely unlit except for the dim glow of the Impala’s headlights and the faint glistening of the stars overhead now that it was almost pitch black at six in the evening.

Dean parked the car at the side of an empty dirt road, slightly hidden by the growth of trees. He pulled a torch out of his coat pocket, turned it on and held it between his teeth as he got out of the car with the rucksack and an old lunchbox.

“Stay here.” He instructed.

Cas looked around at his dark surroundings, too black to even see the road that was only a couple of feet away from the car. “You can’t be serious.”

“Just stay here.” Dean said again before disappearing into the woods, taking the light of the flashlight with him and plunging Cas into complete darkness.

Ten minutes passed and Dean hadn’t returned, Cas was beginning to worry and was suddenly aware of his cell phone resting comfortably back on Dean’s bed. This was how people get killed in horror movies, he’d seen enough of those to know how this was going to end. Just then, the driver side door of the impala opened and Dean shined the torch in Cas’ face, making him squint from the sudden change in brightness.

“Jesus, what took you so long?” Cas almost yelled.

“Shut up, just bring the pizza.” Dean instructed, taking Cas’ arm and leading him into the dark, ominous woods.

“These woods are great, so many shadows. I could paint this.” Cas laughed excitedly as he avoided walking into trees, trying to not drop the pizza boxes due to carrying them one handed with his other hand held warmly in Deans.

“If it wasn’t so dark, I’d be able to see my breath. Its freezing.” Dean shivered, breathing heavily into the torchlight and watching his icy breath turn to mist amongst the dust mites floating in the beam. “We’re almost there, though.” He assured Cas.

Dean pushed past a branch that had lost the majority of its leaves due to the ever dropping temperatures in the early December, revealing a dimly lit clearing.

Cas let go of Dan’s hand and stopped in his tracks, completely dazed and in awe.

Dozens of battery powered fairy lights were draped across the trees, illuminating the thick tartan blanket that was spread out across the short grass. Six tea-light candles hung in lanterns from various branches, adding to the artificial lighting. A small radio sat under a tree playing Cure by Barcelona softly on repeat.

“Dean I -” Cas began before Dean put his hand gently over his mouth.

“Don’t say anything. Just kiss me.”

Cas obliged, wrapping his arms around Dean’s neck and kissing him tenderly, letting their lips warm up against each other. Dean walked them both over to the blanket, not breaking the kiss until they were both seated.

Cas looked at his surroundings and smiled, Dean couldn’t help but love how his boyfriend looked amongst the back drop. His black, messy hair was long enough to pass his eyebrows, held at bay by his thick, dark eyelashes that decorated his perfect blue eyes. His eyeliner was smudged around his eyes, although it looked intentional and suited him perfectly. His scruffy hoodie would have looked out of place against such a beautiful display if it wasn’t so suited to Cas, and the borrowed navy blue top was slightly too large for him, making him look smaller than he really was. His hair was long enough to cover most of his ear piercings, however, his industrial piercing seemed to peek out from behind it and was reflecting in the light.

“I can’t believe you did this.” Cas whispered, cupping Dean’s face and kissing him softly.

“This isn’t the only thing I wanted to show you. Lay down.” Dean grinned and lay down beside Cas, interlocking their fingers.

Above them the sky was completely clear of clouds and the stars shone bright and wonderful in clusters of flickering white and yellow. The moon glistened in its pearly glory, surrounded by an orange aura that dimmed against the black of the sky.

“We can see whole constellations from here, Dean!” Cas said in a breathy tone, as though he was worn out from excitement. “There are so many stars. I wish we could see them closer, you know? Like, actually fly out amongst them and unveil the whole mystery of something so raw and pure, never touched by anyone or anything.” He sighed. “I don’t want anybody else to have that, though. I just want to hold your hand and show you the stars, our own private experience that nobody else could ever have. I want to show you the impossible.”

“I love you so much, Cas,” Dean admitted, leaning over to kiss Cas’ cheek, “but that was really gay.” He added, laughing and receiving a playful punch from Cas.

“Shut up, asshole. You ruined the whole moment!” He laughed, getting up to retrieve the pizza boxes he’d left at the edge of the clearing.

They ate their pizza quietly, just appreciating each other’s company.

“You look so hot.” Cas said around a mouthful of pepperoni pizza.

“Well that sure was attractive.” Dean laughed, wiping tomato sauce away from the side of Cas’ mouth.

“You ever had sex in the woods?”

“Can’t say I have.”

“Me neither. There’s a first time for everything.” And with that, Cas discarded his pizza slice into the box and launched himself at Dean, knocking him onto his back as Cas straddled his hips, kissing him hungrily. Dean pulled him closer and moaned against his lips.

Cas shrugged off his jacket and Dean assisted in the removal of his jumper, then Castiel teased at the hem of Dean’s shirt, tickling the smooth skin underneath that was now developing goose bumps from being exposed to the cold air, trailing his lips across Dean’s jaw.

“Come on, Cas!” Dean growled in impatience, reaching down and tugging the shirt off himself, as well as Cas’.

Cas let his lips wander down Dean’s bare chest and stomach, until he reached the waistband of his jeans. “God damn it.” He groaned, hastily unbuttoning them and shrugging them off before swiftly unbuttoning his own, although he didn’t shed them just yet.

Castiel kissed his thighs. First the left one, then the right one.

“Cas -” Dean started before Cas quieted him by gently biting his dick through his boxers. “Ow! Cas!”

“You were about to complain. I’m getting there, baby. Keep it together man.” Cas smiled at Dean and slowly lowered his boxers, kissing the insides of his thighs as he did so.

“Don’t bite, dude.” Dean whined.

Cas laughed quietly and then laid his hand smoothly around Dean's shaft. A sharp gasp escaped Dean’s lips and his hips bucked against Cas’ hand. Dean moaned a low “ _fuck”_ and bit his lip when Castiel began to jerk him off and he clenched his fist around the blanket beneath him.

Cas pumped Dean until he was hard and throbbing, stopping just as he noticed the first beads of pre-cum oozing from the head of his cock.

“Oh god, what are you doing to me, man?” Dean threw his hands up to his face and shook his head as Cas licked his cock once from base to head, teasing at the tip slightly and lapping up the pre-cum.

Cas finally abandoned his jeans and stood naked in front of Dean, watching the goose bumps slowly litter his body and his hard cock twitch with need.

“Cas were you going commando?”

“Baby I knew we were fucking tonight.” Cas grinned and tossed a small packet onto Dean’s stomach before ducking back between his legs, kissing the soft skin under his V-line.

Dean placed one hand in Cas’ hair and picked up the packet with the other. “Pocket lube?”

“You can always count on me for pocket lube. Pass it here and spread ‘em, baby.” Cas grinned his asshole grin and smoothed his hands across Dean’s exposed butt cheeks, gently spreading them to reveal his hole.

Without warning he ducked his head down between Dean’s legs and Dean felt the warmth of Cas’ tongue lapping at the tight ring of muscle between his legs. The action sent electricity shooting straight to his cock and it throbbed with need.

“Fuck, Cas.” Dean moaned, arching his back off of the ground in an attempt to push Cas’ head away from him in shock of the unexpected action from his boyfriend.

Cas just hummed against his hole, gently pushing his tongue inside and sucking gently. He pulled out his tongue and began licking hungrily at Dean’s ass hole, kissing his cheeks every now and then. He reached a hand up to Dean’s cock and stroked him gently as he fucked his tongue in and out of his hole, hearing Dean whimper and come undone with every movement.

Cas lifted his head for just a second and released Dean’s cock, “don’t come, Dean. Do you want me to fuck you?”

“Yes.” Dean said breathlessly, without hesitation. “Yes, fuck me.”

Castiel obliged, tearing open the lube packet with his teeth and coating two fingers. He slipped one inside Dean and let him adjust, it didn’t take long before he was adding another finger. “You ready?” he asked.

Dean hummed in affirmation and Cas removed his fingers before slicking up his cock and lining it up with Dean’s entrance, pushing in slowly and collapsing over Dean and catching himself by placing his hand next to Dean’s head to hold his weight. Dean tilted Cas’ head towards him and kissed him softly.

“Move.” He growled against Cas’ mouth and Cas smiled and did as he was told.

He moved in and out of Dean slowly at first, taking Dean’s moans as his cue to pick up the pace. He thrust himself into Dean, ramming his hips against his ass and grinning when he received a choked gasp from Dean after hitting his prostate. Cas began using his free hand to stroke Dean’s cock, watching pre-cum ooze from the tip with each stroke.

Dean could feel the heat bubbling in his stomach and as Cas suddenly began pumping him faster he assumed Cas must be close too. Dean’s hand flew up to Cas’ shoulder and his nails made 3 deep, red lines appear on his boyfriend’s tattooed skin as he trembled beneath Cas, screaming Cas’ name as he came all over their stomachs.

Cas thrust twice more and pulled out, swearing and coming all over Dean’s abdomen before he collapsed on top of him, mixing their cum together between their bodies.

They just lay there for a few minutes in the afterglow, letting their body heat protect them both from the December chill against their naked forms. Dean swept Cas’ sweat-slick hair out of his eyes and kissed his damp forehead before pushing him gently back onto the blanket and wiping their stomachs with his t-shirt. Dean quickly reached into his backpack and pulled out another blanket, draping it over the two of them. Cas instinctively cuddled closer to Dean, resting his head in the crook of Dean’s neck.

“I never really asked you, why do you live with your brothers?” Dean questioned innocently.

Cas took a deep breath and shrugged. “Well, my um, my parents, they always wanted a daughter. They had kids quite young and they put off their dreams of travelling so they could take care of Luke, but then Gabe came along and they just abandoned their plans altogether. When I was four, my parents finally got their daughter. A year or two later they came into this huge inheritance from god knows who, so they gave Luke and Gabe half and took off around the world with our little sister, Anna. They live in London now; they send birthday cards sometimes.”

“So, when was the last time you talked to them?” Dean asked.

“I’m not really sure. When I was ten, maybe. I got a birthday card when I was fifteen if that counts.” Cas spoke about his parents so nonchalantly, as if it didn’t faze him at all.

“So, when did Luke move out? You know, before he moved home for you.”

Cas thought for a moment. “He moved out when I was fourteen, so four years ago. Gabe was twenty then, maybe that’s why I’m so screwed up, I was raised by someone under the legal drinking age.” Cas laughed and turned to face the sky.

It was getting late.

“I love you, Cas. You know that right?” Dean whispered, leaning towards Cas’ ear and kissing his neck.

“I do, but how much?” Cas teased.

“More than I love the stars.”

“That’s a hell of a lot.”

“That’s right.”

“I love you, too.”

“Really? More than you love Fall Out Boy?”

“Hell no. Never.”

Dean laughed and snuggled closer to Cas, feeling suddenly exhausted and closing his eyes.

“Cas?”

“Yeah, Dean?”

“Paint me the stars.”

Cas felt Dean breathing heavily against his neck and he turned to respond, only to see Dean sleeping soundly.

“I will. I’ll paint you the stars.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm feeling this whole Stars motif thing, what do you think?  
> I'm still going strong with the foreshadowing, I've yet to have any guesses on what's going to happen. (Although that's probably because nobody is reading this. awkward.) 
> 
> I'll keep you posted! Adios Amigos!


	11. Merry Christmas I Could Care Less

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once Sam was off the phone Dean didn’t waste any time.
> 
> “Sam,” he smiled awkwardly and leaned against the doorframe. “so, Cas is on his way over …”
> 
> “Oh god. Okay, at least give me chance to put my headphones on this time.” Sam grunted in disgust and disappeared up the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BOOM. CHRISTMAS.
> 
> In March. 
> 
> Oh well.

“Merry Christmas Eve, Sammy!” Dean chimed as he entered the living room carrying a box of Christmas decorations.

Sam laughed and swiped at the bobble on Dean’s Santa hat, “I can’t believe you waited until Christmas eve to get those ornaments down from the attic.”

Dean scoffed and placed the box down next to the bare Christmas tree, beginning to haphazardly hang the ornaments on random branches. Sam smiled and sat beside him, trying to organise the decorations by colour, keeping the red ones away from the other red ones and keeping them from being trapped underneath the tinsel.

By the time they were done decorating, the tree looked like a bunch of five year olds had attacked it.

“You messed it up!” Sam complained half-heartedly.

Dean scoffed, “No I didn’t, its fine.” He stood back and observed the disaster they had created. “It’s avant-garde. Put the angel on, it will make it look better.” He said, passing Sammy the angel and lifting the smaller boy onto his shoulders like he always did when they were kids. “It’s about time you had a growth spurt.”

Sam ignored him and placed the angel on top of the tree, smiling contently. It had always been tradition for the brothers to decorate the tree together, usually before Christmas eve.

John was rarely home at Christmas, there was always some kind of emergency that had him rushing off before the boys even had chance to open their first present. Dean didn’t mind too much; he had gotten used to not having John around. It was Sam he worried about not having a father around when he needed one. Dean always felt like he had been more of a father to Sammy than John ever was. Sure, John would take them camping and give them money to go to the movies, or he’d order pizza and stay up all night watching Lord of the Rings with them, but he was never there when it counted.

When Sam and Dean were still young they used to spend a lot of time at Ellen’s when John was away with work. There was always someone else who needed him more than his own sons. Dean understood that it had to be that way, or else he and Sam would have never had any kind of life. John’s travelling for work initially meant that he would have to uproot Sam and Dean every couple of weeks and drag them around the country. John knew that he could never expect his sons to live out of motels and on the road – it wasn’t fair. The alternative was to leave them behind, to only see them for a few brief days at a time when he was home from his job as a private detective, specialising in witness protection wasn’t his best idea, it always meant relocation. Maybe it wasn’t the smartest move to choose a job over his children, but that’s what he did and Dean knew he couldn’t change that, so why complain about it?

The weather in Lawrence was colder than a typical December so Sam and Dean decided to spend the day inside. John was out buying a few last minute gifts so the boys had the house to themselves – at least until the door knocked.

“I literally just got comfortable.” Dean complained, burying his head into a sofa cushion before getting to his feet and pulling the sleeves of his old, grey sweater over his hands.

He walked casually to the door and opened it to reveal Jo in a bright red ski coat.

“Merry Christmas!” She beamed, throwing her arms around Dean and dropping the bag of presents she was holding. “Whoops. Nothing delicate in there anyway.”

Dean smiled and picked up the bag whilst Jo hung up her coat before they both joined Sam in the living room.

Jo ruffled the younger Winchester’s hair and wished him Merry Christmas before crushing him in a friendly embrace.

“Where’s your dad?” She asked, rummaging through the bag of presents. “Mom packed some Christmas pudding in here for him.”

“He’s out, he’ll be back soon.” Dean walked towards his best friend, placed his hands on her cheeks and kissed her nose. “I have something to show you.”

Dean led Jo down the hall to his bedroom and closed the door. He picked up a small scrap of paper from his desk and handed it to her.

“Is this – is this Cas’?” She asked, quietly.

Dean took a seat on the edge of his bed and eyed the small picture in Jo’s hand. He nodded.

Jo sighed and took a seat beside him, smoothing her thumb over the image of the baby Cas had shown him weeks ago.

“He gave one to me a few weeks ago. He said he feels like I’m apart of all this, like I have a role to play.” Dean sighed and bowed his head. “I don’t know how to feel, Jo. I love Cas, I do, but there’s something nagging at me and I just can’t shake it. I don’t want to be a part of something so huge, but I want to be with Cas.”

Jo took his hand and smiled softly, “you’ve only been dating for a few months, Dean. You don’t need to tie yourself into anything. That feeling is just anxiety, you’re nervous. It’s a new relationship and so much is happening with the two of you, maybe it’s the wrong time to be so close.” Dean nodded and squeezed Jo’s hand. “Maybe you should talk to him, explain how you feel.”

Dean agreed. “I haven’t seen him in over a week. He’s been so distant lately, he barely responds to my texts.” He sighed again, “he says that Gabriel is keeping him on a short leash after that whole incident with the pills and the vodka but I can’t help but feel like there’s something else going on.”

“It’s probably nothing. His brothers are worried about him, that’s all. He’ll be back to his usual, asshole self in no time.” Jo assured him before placing the scan picture back on Dean’s desk.

The two of them made their way back to the living room where John was now sitting beside Sam on the couch.

He greeted the teens with a smile and invited them to sit, thanking Jo for the gifts and Ellen’s Christmas pudding.

Dean felt his phone buzz in his pocket.

3:12pm – Cas: _Dinner, my place, tomorrow?_

3:13pm – Dean: _Sure, what time?_

3:17pm – Cas: _Around 11? I have a surprise for you ;)_

3:17pm – Dean: _A sexy surprise? ;P_

3:25pm – Cas: _maybe ;)_

3:26pm – Dean: _Can’t wait, it’s been forever_ _L_

3:42pm – Cas: _I know, I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you any way you want, I promise._

3:42pm – Dean: _I love you, Cas._

5:32pm – Cas: _Yeah, me too babe._

Dean put his phone back into his pocket and didn’t check it again for the rest of the evening. He was trying so hard not to be a jealous boyfriend, hell, he didn’t know if there was even anything to be jealous of. Regardless, it was Christmas and he decided to just ignore any negative feelings he was having and focus on making Sam happy.

As the evening began fading into night, John drove Jo home and returned with pizza. He put on The Dark Knight before settling down with his sons on Christmas eve, like a real family.

They only made it thirty minutes into the movie before John’s cell rang.

“I’m sorry boys.” Was all he said. He kissed Sam on the forehead and clapped Dean on the back before leaving for yet another work emergency.

“I knew he wouldn’t be here for Christmas.” Sam admitted once he heard the front door close.

Dean sighed and pulled his brother in for a hug, curling up together on the couch. Neither of them stayed awake to the end of the movie. Dean found it easy to sleep with someone beside him, he felt more protected from anything that could be out to get him, even if it was only Sam.

He woke up in the early hours of the morning, warm under Sam’s embrace. The younger Winchester was snoring quietly, his cheek slick with drool and his hair stuck to his forehead. Dean smiled at his brother and wiped a stray eyelash away from his cheekbone. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, hoping to see a text from Cas. Nothing.

His mind strayed to the little bottle of red pills in the hidden cupboard in his room. He didn’t need them to sleep next to Sam, the light was on and there was no danger waiting for him but those pills called to him. He argued with himself for a few minutes, ‘ _No, Dean_.’, ‘ _what harm can it do?_ _you take them all the time!_ ’, _‘but I don’t need them tonight_.’, ‘ _you always need them._ ’, before he finally pulled his arm out from under Sam.

He pressed his palms into his eyes and groaned as he padded towards his bedroom. He set the pills on the desk and stared at the unlabelled bottle. There were only 6 pills left, they would only last him three more days. ‘ _Dean, just stay awake. You have to be up in a few hours anyway._ ’ He thought. He pulled his phone out again and shot a quick text to Cas.

3:44am – Dean: _Merry Christmas x_

Dean took the pills into the bathroom and shook two into his hand before swallowing them with water. He didn’t remember going back to bed, or his phone buzzing.

3:46am – Cas: _Merry Christmas, I love you so much._

 

Christmas day was calm and quiet in the Winchester house.

Sam didn’t wake up until almost noon, which meant Dean didn’t either. The two of them opened the presents John had left for them under the tree and they headed to Ellen’s for dinner. By the time it was time to head home, Jo had passed out on Dean’s lap and was drooling on his jeans.

“So,” Ellen said once Sam was off playing his new video game in Jo’s bedroom, “this boyfriend of yours, is he nice?”

Dean smiled and nodded. Ellen had always been like a mother to him, especially since he didn’t have one of his own. “I don’t know if ‘nice’ is the right word but yeah, he’s great.”  

“It’s funny, I never really pictured you with a man.” Ellen admitted. “I always saw you as the type to have your fun with all the girls you could until one finally managed to tie you down.”

Dean dropped his gaze to his hand that was gently stroking Jo’s hair.

Ellen snapped out of her daydream and laughed softly, “not to say that that won’t still happen, of course. Boy, girl, what’s the difference? This Castiel has changed something in you, though. Something for the better, I hope.” She smiled sweetly and kissed his cheek before disappearing into the kitchen.

It was dark by the time the boys finally made it home and Sam immediately found himself on the phone with John, thanking him for his new books and puzzles.

Dean escaped quickly to his room, saying his short thanks on speaker phone.

It wasn’t long before his own phone started ringing.

“Hey, you.” Dean smiled and lay down on his bed, holding the phone to his ear.

“ _Merry Christmas!_ ” Cas chimed through the phone.

“It is now.”

“ _Well, tomorrow it’s going to be spectacular. I have your gift all ready and waiting.”_

 _“_ I hope it’s you, naked and covered in pecan pie.”

“ _Oh, sugar you do know how to sweet talk. What I have for you is better than me, all naked and dripping.”_

“Stop being such a tease, Cas, unless you plan on coming over and delivering early.”

_“I wish I could. I’d give anything to just have you right now.”_

“Have me, how? Have me begging?” Dean breathed heavily down the line and heard Cas hum contently. “Have me compliant? Have me lying underneath you, all sweaty and panting, just willing to do whatever you want me to do? Is that how you want to have me, Cas?”

_“I’m coming over.”_

The line went dead and Dean smiled widely, immensely pleased with himself.

Once Sam was off the phone Dean didn’t waste any time.

“Sam,” he smiled awkwardly and leaned against the doorframe. “so, Cas is on his way over …”

“Oh god. Okay, at least give me chance to put my headphones on this time.” Sam grunted in disgust and disappeared up the stairs.

Dean bit his lip with excitement, he hadn’t seen Cas in over a week and they hadn’t done more than kissed in at least two. Dean could barely contain himself.

Not even ten minutes passed before there was a crashing sound in the living room. Dean hurried in to find Cas picking up the already broken lamp and placing it back on the table.

He looked divine. His hair was slightly longer than when Dean last saw him but just as dark and just as messy as always. His eyeliner was smudged and smoky and he had dark lines under his eyes, just like he always did. The look in those eyes was almost predatory.

Dean didn’t even waste any time asking why Cas came through the living room window instead of his usual entrances.

He ran towards his boyfriend, crushing their lips together in a sloppy, wanton kiss that had them both panting after just a few minutes.

“I missed the fuck out of you.” Cas whispered against Dean’s mouth, breathless and needy. He gripped tightly onto Dean’s sleeves on his shoulders and reclaimed his mouth, sliding his tongue straight past his lips without any hesitation.

Dean moaned against Cas’ mouth as Cas pushed him hard against the wall of the living room.

“Is anybody home?” Cas asked, breathlessly.

Dean shook his head and began kissing Cas’ neck, “Sam’s upstairs but he can’t hear us.”

Cas smiled devilishly and pressed himself against Dean, reclaiming his mouth and kissing him filthily. He pushed his knee between Dean’s thighs and smiled at the gasp he received.

“I’m going to fuck you until you can’t walk, Winchester.” He smirked and forced Dean’s t-shirt over his head, discarding it on the floor before kissing him slowly, passionately down his chest.

“You talk big,” Dean moaned threaded Cas’ hair through his fingers, tugging at it, “prove it.” He challenged.

Cas lifted Dean up and he wrapped his legs around the smaller boy. Cas dropped him heavily onto the couch and discarded his jeans and boxers on the floor, before stripping himself completely naked. He eyed Dean, naked and waiting, wanting nothing more than for Cas to satisfy him.

“What have you been doing since we last fucked, Dean?” Cas mewled, crawling on top of Dean and kissing his bare stomach. “It’s been almost two weeks since I last sucked your dick, how have you coped?” He licked a stripe up his dick and Dean bucked his hips.

Cas licked and nipped around Dean’s thighs and pelvis, savouring each hum of contentment and each flinch of his body. He moved slowly back to Dean’s mouth, kissing him softly on his stomach and chest, working his way up his neck and to his jawline – sucking light hickies onto Dean’s soft, freckled flesh.

“Have you been jerking off, Dean?” He kissed him sloppily, forcing his tongue into Dean’s mouth and not giving him a chance to breathe. He rolled his hips and ground into Dean, earning a muffled moan that vibrated in his mouth. “I jerked off, Dean. Every night the thought of you just made me crazy -” he rolled his hips again and stifled Dean’s moan with another kiss. “- I wanted you more than anything. I came with your name on the tip of my tongue, every single night.”

“Cas -” Dean whimpered, bucking his hips to get some friction against his throbbing cock. “I want you,” he pleaded, “it’s been fucking ages.”

Cas rolled his hips again and slid his hand between Dean’s legs and wrapped his fingers around his shaft. “You’re such a stereotypical bottom.” Cas teased as he began moving his hand up and down Dean’s cock, stroking him gently.

Dean ignored him and moaned, bucking his hips again.

Cas kissed his boyfriend once more before kissing his way down his body, stopping just above his cock. Using just the flat of his tongue, he licked his way up slowly and then pulled completely away and looked up at Dean.

Dean moaned at the loss of Cas' warmth and his mouth. He gripped hold of Castiel’s tattooed arm, running his thumb over an ace of spades.

“Do you want me to fuck you, baby?”

"Yes. God, Cas. Please? Yes."

Cas returned to his teasing, licking his way up Dean’s cock slowly and luxuriously. He spent long moments swirling his tongue around the head, licking up the salty precome leaking out of it and loving Dean’s throaty moans from above him. Dean was coming undone quickly, desperate for Cas after not having him in what seemed like forever to the two of them. Cas was aching to be inside Dean, warm and inviting, but he was having too much fun watching his boyfriend flounder under his touch.

“Shit. Hold on.” Cas clambered off the couch and fumbled around for his jeans before pouncing on Dean again, holding a small, silver packet between his teeth. “Pocket lube.” He winked, opening the packet and slicking up his fingers.

Gently, he worked his first finger into Dean while keeping him hard by slowly pumping him with his other hand.

Cas had waited two weeks to see his beautiful boyfriend flushed and panting beneath him, whimpering his name and begging for him to please, please... Unable to complete sentences and only knowing the sensation of Cas’ hands drawing the lust right out of his pours.

Slowly, Cas worked in another finger and Dean arched underneath him, all freckles and chapped lips and a broken, wrecked voice begging for Cas. Just for Cas.

“Cas, I need you.” Dean almost choked out, hands fumbling for Cas’ hips.

Cas obliged and slid his fingers out of Dean. He slicked up his own cock and slid gently into him, splaying his hand out on Dean’s smooth stomach to keep him steady. Dean clenched around Cas more than usual due to the recent absence of Castiel’s cock inside him.

“Move.” Dean moaned, huskily.

Cas grinned and pulled out slightly before sliding back in real slow, watching Dean squeeze his eyes shut as he ached for more but didn’t dare ask, afraid of Castiel denying him anymore like the asshole he is.

He moved slowly at first, speeding up once he hit that sweet spot that made Dean throw his head back and gasp in unexpected pleasure with Cas’ name rolling off his tongue. He remembered how much he had missed Dean those past two weeks, as well as how Dean had denied him phone sex because he called him ‘princess’.

 He pulled Dean's legs up onto his own shoulders and started going harder and faster and Dean's whimpers did nothing to slow him down. Cas scraped his fingernails into Dean’s chest and smirked at the marks he left. He found Dean’s cock and pumped him hard until he was coming all over his own chest and Cas’ stomach. Only seconds later Cas threw his head back and growled out Dean’s name, digging his black-painted fingernails his hips and earning himself a gasp to match his own.

Cas pulled out gently and collapsed on Dean, his cum sticky between them.

“Well that was almost worth the wait.” Dean teased, gently stroking Cas’ hair.

“You’re lucky I fucking love you.”

“Or else, what?” Dean grinned.

“Or else I’d have fucked you raw.”

Dean laughed and they were silent for a few minutes, just enjoying each-other’s company.

“Hey Dean?” Cas broke the silence questioningly. “Do you think your dad will be mad at us?”

Dean stopped stroking Cas’ hair as an indication to elaborate.

“We had sex on his couch.”

Dean laughed and warned Cas not to say a word to his father. He wasn’t ever exactly discreet, but Dean didn’t want John to know about all of his extra-curricular activities.

They used Dean’s t-shirt to clean themselves off and curled into each other on the couch to watch Game of Thrones. Dean completely forgot about Sam’s presence in the house until he was shielding his eyes and walking back out of the living room.

“Why are you guys naked!? What the hell!?” He cried, hiding in the hallway for the teens to get dressed.

Once it was safe, he re-entered the living room to see Cas fully dressed in his jeans and grey tank top and Dean in just his jeans, no shirt in sight.

“Tell me you didn’t -” Sam braced himself before he finished. “Tell me you didn’t have sex on the couch.”

Dean and Cas eyed each-other sheepishly and tried to contain their laughter.

“I can’t believe this.” Sam said, sighing exasperatedly. “Guys I sit there!”

The older boys stared at each other and their laughter escaped them.

“Sam, we’ve had sex in your bed before. This is nothing.” Cas lied, giggling like a child.

Sam scoffed and disappeared into the kitchen.

“So, dinner at your place tomorrow?” Dean asked.

Cas confirmed and punched Dean playfully in the shoulder. “Merry Christmas, Dickhead.”

“Merry Christmas, Asshat.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed some sexy time.
> 
> Leave me some feedback, some squealing, some hate, whatever ya fancy in the comments. I am not opposed to random love confessions, just fyi. 
> 
> I'm going to update again soon hopefully, I feel motivated!!! 
> 
> Good day little birds.


	12. Bring On the Rapture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Please just don’t name it something stupid.”  
> “Can I name it Dean?”  
> “No.”  
> “How about Steven?”  
> “No.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This entire chapter sucks don't hate me its 7am and I started writing at 3am I want to cry a little.

Cas spent Christmas night at the Winchester’s, warm and happy in the arms of the boyfriend he’d missed so much in the time they had been apart.

Dean couldn't help wondering what Cas had been up to over the past few weeks, only stopping by for an hour or so at a time, barely attending school. It didn’t worry him, Cas was distant like that sometimes, but this felt different. He felt like Cas had been distracted. He had been getting more texts than usual and he often excused himself after reading them, claiming it was Gabe or Luke calling him home for some reason or another. Sam noticed it too, often asking Dean when Cas would be coming over next or why he had to leave so early. He and Castiel would study together often, Cas teaching Sam the wonders of his genius mind and allowing Sam to absorb it with his own. They hadn’t been spending nearly half as much time together and the younger Winchester couldn’t help but mirror his brother’s curiosity.

Cas had invited the Winchester brothers to spend the day after Christmas with the Novak household, much to Lucifer’s delight.

“No way.” Dean said bluntly, holding his hands up and backing away from the small room Cas had led him to.

Castiel placed his hand on the small of Dean’s back and pushed him gently through the doorway, “come on, it’s my gift to you.”

Dean eyed the bench in front of him, lined with inks and cups of water – and a tattoo gun.

“Cas, I can’t – I don’t know what I would even get -”

“I’ve got the best idea.” Cas interrupted. “It’s perfect for you, it makes sense that you get it.”

Dean rolled his eyes as he began to accept that there was no way Cas was letting him out of getting something permanently inked onto his skin.

“It’s an anti-possession symbol,” Cas stated, handing Dean a piece of paper torn from one of his sketch books.

Dean took the drawing and examined the design, what looked like a pentagram inside a ring of fire. “Anti-possession?” he asked. “Like, demons and ghosts and stuff?”

Cas nodded and grinned his asshole-grin, “Yeah. I figured it could help to protect you from all the shit that’s in your head, maybe keep your nightmares away.”

“I don’t think things like this really work, Cas.” Dean shook his head, sceptical of Cas’ idea.

“It’s symbolism, Dean.” Cas snatched the drawing back and kissed Dean quickly on the lips. “Of course it won’t really work but it’s my gift of protection to you. It symbolises that the bad things aren’t inside you or apart of you, they’re just poking at you from the outside.”

Dean laughed and pulled Cas in for a hug. “You talk so much shit.”

“You love it.”

Luke clapped once behind them, “so, are we ready?” he asked excitedly.

Dean smiled at Cas and nodded, feeling the butterflies begin to inhabit his stomach.

“Then let’s get started.”

An hour later, the door to Lucifer’s tattoo studio finally opened and Dean emerged, shirtless and red in the face.

“How was it?” Sam asked, discarding an old magazine.

Sam had been waiting on the top step of the staircase. It was evident to Dean from the amount of plates surrounding his brother that Gabriel had been delivering him all kinds of baked goods whilst he waited. Dean could hear Castiel singing loudly downstairs, with the occasional complaint from Gabriel.

“Painful.” Dean admitted. “I don’t know how Cas does it.”

He made his way into Cas’ bedroom and observed his reflection in the full-length mirror. The skin just below his left shoulder was red and swollen underneath the cellophane wrap that concealed the fresh tattoo. Dean sucked air through his teeth and lifted one corner of the wrap, grimacing at the swollen flesh underneath.

He liked it, as much as he thought he wouldn’t. He liked what it represented, how it made him feel just a little bit safer from his own mind. The power of an idea meant a great deal to Dean and he thought that maybe, if he willed it enough, he’d be able to feign a sense of protection.

“Put a shirt on, Dean-o. You’re putting us all to shame.” Gabriel teased, complete with a childish grin as he flopped onto Castiel’s unmade bed.

Dean obliged and found one of his own t-shirts in Castiel’s drawer instead of retrieving the one he left in the studio.

“It was brave of you to trust Lucifer with your perfect, freckled skin like that.” Gabriel put his hands behind his head and lay back on the bed, closing his eyes. “My brothers could have covered you in dicks, I wouldn’t put something like that past Cassie.”

Dean laughed, slightly uncomfortably. He hadn’t spoken to Cas’ brothers much, he’d only met them a few times. Luke had his own tattoo studio where he spent most of his time and Gabe had his bakery so Cas spent most of his time home alone. He noticed that the brothers seemed close in spite of everything that had happened between them, but Dean supposed it was hard not to be close to someone when they’re all you have.

“Not very talkative, are we Dean-o.” Gabe laughed, jumping to his feet. “I suppose you don’t need to be with Cassie around. That kid could talk for the United States.”

Dean watched as Gabriel poked around Cas’ things, moving things out of their rightful place and knocking things over. “Yeah, he does have a mouth on him.” He agreed.

Gabriel grinned mischievously, “well, you’d know all about that.”

Dean blushed.

“This mouth does all sorts.” Cas interrupted playfully, leaning against the door frame. “I’ve got a magic tongue, I made Dean cry once because he was so desperate for it to perform some tricks on him.” He winked.

Gabriel laughed and purposely knocked a pot of pens onto the floor, “I bet you did.” He glanced at Dean who was almost beet red.

Cas eyed the pens and crossed his arms, not seeming bothered by it at all. “I just ate all of your Christmas cookies.” He said, his voice monotone.

Gabriel spun around to face his little brother, “you little motherfucker -”

“Get out of my room.” Cas spat, hardening his features and stepping aside to make room for Gabriel’s exit.

Dean tried to stifle his laugh from the corner of the room when Gabe reached up and smacked his younger – albeit taller – brother on the back of the head on his way out, causing his hair to flop down into his eyes.

“Can I see?” Cas asked, moving his finger from his eye to point at Dean’s chest to indicate his line of vision.

Dean nodded and pulled back the cellophane wrap for Cas to see the ink underneath. Cas touched the skin around the tattoo gingerly, his cool fingertips making Dean shiver.

“How was the pain?”

“Barely felt a thing.” Dean lied.

Cas snapped his eyes away from the tattoo and locked them on Dean’s, searching for something to tell him whether or not to believe him. “You know I’m just going to ask Luke how well you did, right?”

Dean rolled his eyes playfully, “Is nothing in this relationship a mystery anymore?”

Cas’ energy seemed to immediately spike. He bounced onto his tiptoes and ruffled Dean’s hair playfully, causing him to scoff and readjust it to an equally messy state. “Speaking of mystery.”

Dean watched as Cas bounded across the bedroom and literally ran across his bed, practically destroying the bedspread with his sneakers. He disappeared underneath his huge bed for a few seconds before emerging with a ginormous canvas.

“Ok, close your eyes.” Cas demanding, climbing over his bed again and standing before Dean, holding behind him the canvas that was far too large to be concealed by Castiel’s body.

“Cas … did you … paint me something?” Dean asked, ignoring his boyfriend’s command.

“Not if you don’t close your eyes I didn’t. It could be a puppy for all you know.”

“Right, sorry.” Dean bit his lip in an attempt to stifle his smile.  

Dean squeezed his eyes shut. He could hear Cas peeling cellophane wrap away from the canvas – he assumed it was there to stop the picture from accidentally being ruined.

“Okay,” Cas said excitedly, “you can look now.”

Dean barely had time to take a good look at the painting before he was throwing his arms around Castiel, squeezing him tightly and smiling uncontrollably into his shoulder. When they broke apart, Dean stepped back to admire Cas’ work.

The base coat of the canvas was a deep blue with shades of purple and greys in all the right places. Stars littered Castiel’s depiction of the night sky, clustered in perfect constellations, visibly shining beautifully. Beneath the stars, and the crystal white moon was a skyline, reflecting faint light onto the area of sky where the colour was a lighter shade of blue. Then there was the fair ground. An empty, rickety-looking Ferris Wheel carriage at its peak, overlooking the life of the fair.

It was everything Dean had asked Cas for that night they rode the Ferris Wheel and more. Cas had promised to paint him the stars, and he did not disappoint.

“Dean …” Cas loosened his grip on the canvas and furrowed his brow, “Dean, say something.”

Dean’s eyes snapped up and met with questioning blue pools. He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. He began flailing his hands around in a way that he hoped would convey some of his emotions with little luck. However, Cas’ eyes softened and his lips curled into a genuine smile.

“We really are lucky that I’m such a chatterbox, you’re always so lost for words.” He teased, placing the canvas against the wall and moving in to kiss Dean tenderly on the mouth.

“I love you.” Dean whispered when they parted for breath.

Cas rested their foreheads together and smiled, “Sugar, those are the only words I need.”

“I have more words.” Dean smiled and gently pushed Cas away. “Because I suppose great minds think alike and all that.” He turned away from his boyfriend and wandered over to his record stack. He rummaged through them for a few seconds until he found the Glee record case.

Cas idly questioned Dean’s actions, only receiving gentle ‘shush’-ing in response.

“You’ve never listened to the Glee Soundtrack so I knew you wouldn’t touch this record, so I had Luke hide your Christmas present inside of it.”

Dean handed Cas a square envelope.

“I get to name a star!?” Cas exclaimed, discarding the envelope on the bed and gawking at its contents. “You actually bought me a fucking star.”

“Please just don’t name it something stupid.”

“Can I name it Dean?”

“No.”

“How about Steven?”

“No.”

“Castiel?”

“N – well, it’s kind of vain I guess but I love it.”

“Well if you love it, I’m going to name it Castiel.”

 

Dinner in the Novak household wasn’t what Dean would have expected when taking a first glance at the family. Gabriel had cooked a splendour of food, almost gourmet style.

“Do you guys always eat like this?” Sam asked, shovelling pasta onto his plate.

Luke took a swig of his beer, “Is it that hard to believe?” He said in a friendly manner, smiling at the boy.

Sam shrugged and began loading Gabe’s fantastic spaghetti sauce onto the mountain of pasta, “Not exactly. But if you eat like this all the time, what’s wrong with Cas?”

Gabe’s hand immediately shot up in an attempt to catch the soda spraying from his mouth. “The kid’s bold, I like him.” He said proudly.

Cas scoffed and stabbed his knife into a meatball, “maybe it’s because I don’t appreciate normalcy like you losers.” He teased, nibbling at the ball of meat.

Luke rolled his eyes, “oh, here we go.”

“No, no.” Cas waved his hand over the table. “You guys don’t embrace your inner weird, you’re boring.”

“Yeah, whatever Cas. Eat your meatball.” Luke said, dismissing his brother.

“ _Speaking,_ ” Gabriel piped up, “of meatballs.” He flashed his gaze over to Dean who was in the middle of slurping up a long piece of spaghetti when suddenly the entire table’s eyes were on him.

“Me?” he said, dropping the spaghetti from his mouth back onto the plate and wiping the sauce from his lips with his sleeve.

“What’s this big surprise Cassie has been working on? It was for you, right?” Gabe continued.

Dean nodded, “It was a painting.”

“Well I figured that much with little Van Gough over here. A painting of what?”

“A fairground.” Dean stated in a rather blunt manner, not intending to sound rude. The true meaning behind that painting belonged to him and Cas, nobody else.

Gabe grinned devilishly and Dean was instantly aware of where Cas got his smirk from.

“Well, it explains why he and Meg spent so much time cooped up in that room, I was beginning to get worried.” Gabe said dismissively as he picked at his meal.

There was an awkward silence among them as everyone noticed Cas kick Gabriel hard under the table, earning a pained yelp from the shorter man.

Dean glanced around each person at the table, noting their expressions.

Luke whistled quietly and fixed his eyes on the table as he scratched at it with his fork. Sammy removed his elbows from the table awkwardly, almost as if he was ready to retreat and Gabe looked downright confused under Castiel’s icy glare.

“Meg?” Dean questioned.

Gabe broke Castiel’s stare, apparently not quite getting the hint his little brother was trying desperately to give him. “Uh, yeah? She’s been hanging out here for the past … what, month. Cassie said you knew and you were like one-hundred percent okie dokie with the whole thing.”

“Does someone actually have to spell out the words ‘shut up’ for you before you get a damn hint?” Cas hissed at his brother.

Dean finally dropped his fork and pushed his chair back from the table a little. “Wait, so you’re telling me that this past month when you've been disappearing to ‘study’ or to ‘have dinner with your family’, you've been ditching me to hang out with Meg?”

Cas sighed and hung his head in frustration, “kind of, but it’s not like that I swear, I can explain.”

“Oh, ‘I can explain’, that was a bad line bro. Nothing good ever comes from ‘I can – ‘” Gabe started before Cas snapped loudly.

“ _Gabe_ , shut up!”

“Hey, Sammy? You wanna come check out my video game collection?” Lucifer stepped in, taking Sam out of the commotion and into the living room.

Dean and Cas excused themselves to Cas’ room where they closed the door and stood at a fair distance from each other.

“So I think I can understand why she would be here.” Dean began before Cas had even fully closed the door. “She’s carrying your baby, she was probably helping you out with that canvas, she’s something of a friend to you or whatever. I get all of that. I don’t care about any of that, Cas. She’s in your life and your life is exactly that, yours. I don’t care what you do with it or who you spend it with, that’s your business. What I don’t get, is why you lied about it.”

Dean retreated at Cas’ attempt to approach him. There was a distance between them now, something small and possibly irrelevant, but it divided them nonetheless. Dean tried to place his emotions in the situation. He wasn’t jealous, he knew that Cas wasn’t solely his no matter how badly he wished he was, he knew he had to share him and he was ok with that. He wasn’t even sure if he was angry, it felt more like hurt.

Cas took another step forward in spite of Dean’s defensive body language, “Dean, she came to me upset. Her mom is on her case about the baby and her life and she just needed someone to talk to.” He took another step. “Yeah, after about a week or so I asked her to help me with your gift, that’s all.”

Dean took a step back. “That doesn’t explain why you lied to me.”

“I didn’t want you to get jealous.” Cas admitted.

“Jealous of _what,_ Cas?”

“Nothing! There was nothing to be jealous of I just … I didn’t want you to get the wrong idea about what was going on so I thought I was best to just not tell you.”

“If it’s so easy to explain now why couldn’t you explain it then and avoid confusion altogether?”

“I don’t know, Dean. I screwed up, okay? Can we just drop it?”

Dean shook his head. “It doesn’t explain why you lied to me for a _month_ , Cas. You had plenty of chances to just tell me you guys were hanging out.”

It was Cas who stepped back this time. “Why does it even matter, Dean!? Why does it matter if I was hanging out with her?”

“It doesn’t matter!” Dean yelled. “It matters that you lied to me about something so insignificant and it makes me scared to trust you.” Cas was silent. “Wait,” Dean added, “is that why you wouldn’t let me come over here, because she was here?”

Cas dropped his gaze to the ground but didn’t respond.

“Was she sleeping here?” Dean asked, his voice quiet.

Cas sighed, “she stayed over a few times, why?” He was frustrated and his voice shook under Dean’s subtle accusations.

Dean ran his hands through his hair as if something had just clicked in his brain and he was trying to switch it back. He took a deep breath and thought over what he wanted to say, whether it was a silly accusation or whether it was justified but his brain wouldn’t focus on making a decision.

He thought back over the weeks Cas had been so absent when they’d been together, when they had barely even touched each other. The way that Cas was always the one to break every kiss, the one to refuse sex, the one to leave so early in the evening before they’d even had chance to be alone.

“Were you sleeping with her?” Dean blurted before he could even stop himself.

Cas’ eyes snapped up, they were cold.

“Was I – I can’t believe you just asked me that.” He snapped. “No, Dean of course I wasn’t!

“Then why were you so distant with me? Ignoring me and leaving before we even had five minutes to ourselves? We had sex once in the space of three weeks, Cas. Three weeks and all that time Meg was sleeping here so forgive me for asking the obvious question.” Dean was yelling now, his hair was standing on end and he felt as though his accusations were taking on a mind of their own.

“Dean I -”

“No but it makes sense. She’s carrying your baby, Cas. You have far more history with her than you do with me, and she’s not exactly unattractive it’s not like you wouldn’t be tempted.”

“Dean -” Cas began, trying his best to think of an explanation that _didn’t_ make it sound like he cheated. “She just needed me to be her friend.”

Dean looked to the door for an escape, wondering if maybe he could just leave and avoid this conversation completely. He didn’t mean to throw around accusations like that, he wasn’t sure if he even believed them. Every nerve in his body was sending signals to his brain telling him to retreat, to just shut up and go with his gut. There was no way Cas would ever cheat on him – or was there? Castiel’s eyes looked sincere and apologetic but Dean knew all too well how deceiving Cas’ facial expressions could be. He felt like his shadow had been ripped out from underneath him and he was slowly falling towards concrete, just ready for the skull-shattering collision.

“Baby, you have to believe me.” Cas begged.

“No.” Dean spat, not even intending to reply. He rubbed his eyes with his palms and inhaled deeply, avoiding eye contact with his boyfriend. “I don’t know if I can believe you. You lied to me even though you say you had no reason to lie, how can I trust you if that’s what you do to me?”

He was trying so hard to be understanding, to listen to what Cas had to say. He and Meg were going to have a baby, that didn’t mean he slept with her again. He knew how distracted Cas could get, how he would get so engrossed in a project and completely trap himself in it.

There was just something telling him that Cas couldn’t be trusted and he couldn’t ignore that feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me a juicy comment down below letting me know how you liked this, or if you didn't like it. (I REALLY welcome criticism okay? It helps me improve. Tell me what was bad.) 
> 
> I kind of forgot where I was going with this for a while but I think I'm back on track now.


	13. It's Time For Me to Fall Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Get out.” Dean snapped, locking eyes with Castiel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was slightly rushed, I'm sorry.

4:11pm – Jo: _Dean, answer my texts!_

4:13pm – Jo: _Dean-O I swear to God I will come over there …_

4:17pm – Jo: _It’s been 3 days! I’m worried …_

4:19pm – Jo: _I’m coming over._

 

“So, you broke up with him.” Jo slouched into the Winchester’s leather sofa.

Dean nodded beside her and tugged his sleeves over his hands, pulling his knees up to his chest.

Jo stayed silent for a few minutes, deciding whether to press the issue. She didn’t really know much about their relationship, all she knew was that Castiel made Dean happy, that Dean was better with him.

Dean scratched at his eyes that were red and puffy and Jo could only assume that he’d been crying.

“So … what happened?”

The blonde boy closed his eyes and sucked in a breath.

“I happened.” He stated, his tone cold and blunt.

Jo’s eyes looked confused and Dean noticed through blurred vision.

“I accused him of cheating on me.” He elaborated. “I don’t trust him anymore.”

Jo sighed and squeezed the bridge of her nose between her forefinger and thumb, clearly frustrated with her friend.

“Dean, you can’t just throw away your entire relationship because you got a little bit jealous.”

Dean scoffed at his friend and got to his feet. “Too late.” He deadpanned.

Jo furrowed her brow and mirrored Dean’s action, following him to his bedroom once he’d turned his back on her and all but stormed off.

Slamming the door behind her, the petit blonde took in the sight of Dean’s room. Everything was a mess, clothes littering the floor and desk chair, food wrappers and fast-food containers were scattered about the room, the stench coming from Dean’s bathroom resembled that of a corpse.

Jo sighed again and pushed through the array of garbage that had inhabited Dean’s floor before taking a seat on the bed – complete with a bedspread that looked as though it hadn’t been washed in a month.

“What the _hell_ is going on with you?” Jo snapped.

Dean ignored her and proceeded further into his room where he retrieved a small orange bottle from his desk drawer. Acting almost as if Jo wasn’t there in the room with him, he popped the lid of the bottle and shook three little blue capsules into his palm before tossing them all to the back of his throat, swallowing them dry.

Jo’s eyes widened and she was at Dean’s side in an instant, her expression a picture of complete rage. She snatched the bottle from Dean’s hand and searched for an absent label.

“What are these?” She demanded, earning a blank stare from her best friend. “Dean!” she snapped, raising her voice, “what _are_ these?”

Dean snatched the bottle back and shrugged his shoulders, seemingly unfazed by Jo’s temper towards him. He waded through the mess of his bedroom and flopped down on the bed, tucking his right hand beneath a pillow and closing his eyes.

He could feel the room getting smaller – he was alone. The bed beneath him felt like a rock but he didn’t care, there was a warmth in his stomach that made him feel like he could sleep on a bed of nails and still be comfortable. His head was beginning to feel warm, too. His ears tingled and his fingertips were numb, the best kind of numb. He knew that feeling would soon spread throughout his entire body and that soon he wouldn’t have to feel anything; no stress, no fear, no pain.

Except he wasn’t alone.

Jo was there, tearing the poster from Dean’s bedroom wall to reveal his secret hiding spot. She shovelled over a dozen pill bottles – some full, some empty - and all kinds of alcohol into a plastic bag before sweeping through the room, finding all of the drugs stashed away in drawers and cabinets and tossing them into the bag too. She was fuelled by a blind rage that was only kindled each time she glanced at her best friend, all but unconscious on his bed.

“This is for your own good.” She whispered before leaving the room with the bag of contraband.

By the time Dean was finally on his come-down, his room was practically spotless. The clothes had been discarded in the wash basket and there wasn’t one piece of trash to be found.

He grumbled and ran his hand over his face, ignoring the feeling of the scruff that had begun to grow since he’d given up on personal hygiene over the past four days. Without even fully taking in his surroundings, Dean stumbled to his feet and made his way to the secret hiding place behind his poster.

“What the -” He began upon realising the cupboard was now completely barren. He checked his drawers and cabinets, only to find those lacking in what he was searching for as well.

Dean shuffled out of his room, dragging his socked feet in a groggy stride until he reached the living room. To his surprise he saw long, blonde curls waiting for him, contrasted by the black, shaggy sex hair that overshadowed disappointed blue eyes.

“Get out.” Dean snapped, locking eyes with Castiel.

Cas got to his feet and was in front of Dean in 2 short strides, and then Dean was stumbling backwards as two strong hands collided with his shoulders.

“Get out?” Cas bellowed. “You fucking get out, get out of your stupid little head and stop feeling sorry for yourself.”

“Cas …” Jo warned softly. She’d asked Cas to go easy on Dean but she had a feeling he wasn’t going to let him off the hook that easily.

Cas took a step forward and pushed Dean again, hard. Dean maintained his balance despite the unexpected force knocking him backwards.

“What is wrong with you!?” Cas yelled, eyes and cheeks hot with rage. “Do you _want_ to kill yourself?”

Dean squared his shoulders and took a step towards Cas, mimicking the previous actions of the smaller boy and pushing him with force. “Get out.” He repeated, his voice laced with some kind of threat.

“Make me.” Cas challenged, clenching his jaw.

Both teenagers’ body language announced that they were each ready for a fight and neither one of them were going to back down easily.

“No, no.” Jo said quickly, placing herself between her friends. “You guys need to talk this out.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” Dean countered.

Cas laughed at Dean’s childishness and rolled his eyes, igniting his features with sarcasm. “Grow up, Dean.”

Dean clenched his fists and took a step towards Cas, who showed no sign of defensiveness towards his former boyfriend.

“Fucking hell. Okay -” Cas rolled his eyes at Dean’s advance and approached him coolly, gripping his arm tight and dragging him towards the bedroom. “I’m not playing games anymore.”

“Get your fucking hands off me.”

Once in Dean’s bedroom behind closed doors, Cas obliged to Dean’s – albeit hostile – request and released him.

“What is your fucking problem?”

Dean rubbed his arm where Cas had been squeezing it. He avoided eye contact with the smaller boy, afraid that he’d see something in those eyes that he didn’t want to see.

Cas attempted to close the distance between them, only when Dean retreated further into his room with each step Cas took he gave up and accepted Dean’s cold attitude towards him.

“You.” He stated simply. “You’re my problem. What are you doing? Do you think taking drugs is a good idea? Do you think it’s smart? What are you even taking?”

Dean filtered through Castiel’s questions and tried to settle on one to answer, with little luck. He knew that it wasn’t smart, he knew it was dangerous. It wasn’t like he wanted to take them, he had to.

“They help me.” Was all he said.

“They help you.” Cas repeated, scoffing at Dean’s stupidly cliché response. “Dean, drugs don’t help anyone, they’re poison.”

“You’re one to talk.”

Dean didn’t know what he was doing. He knew about Cas’ past, he’d ridiculed him for it and now there he was, making the same mistakes. He wanted Cas in the firing line instead of himself. He wanted to be left alone and if making Cas hate him meant that he’d leave, then so be it.

Castiel released a frustrated breath and ran two angry hands through his hair, tension stiffening his body, curling his shoulders forward.

“I won’t have this fight with you.” He almost whispered, his voice calmer. “You’re being childish. You’re always such a child.”

“ _Me? I’m_ a child?” Anger rose in Deans voice. “This is your fault. You did this.”

“I didn’t _do_ anything! You did this yourself. You don’t want to be with me, fine. I don’t give a _fuck_ what you want anymore. You’re being pathetic. All this because you can’t do anything but think the worst of me.” Cas was yelling now and Dean flinched at the anger that was so suddenly present in his voice. “There was _nothing_ going on between Meg and I and you just couldn’t accept that and now you’re throwing your entire life down the drain because you can’t handle a fucking breakup that was _your_ fault to begin with!”

“You lied to me!” Dean cried, his voice breaking in the middle.

He tried to keep it together, he didn’t want Cas to know how vulnerable he was. Everything he and Cas had made him safe and happy and one little chip in the wall brought the whole thing crumbling down. He didn’t want Cas to know how badly his mind had been tormenting him. There was so much he didn’t want Cas to know.

It was like all of his nightmares were slowly coming true, one by one. Cas breaking Dean’s trust confused his reality. After waking up in a sweat, visions of Castiel leaving him, taunting him, hurting him, they were all just dreams when he knew his reality was solid; that Cas would never do that to him. Until Cas did do it. Castiel lied and hurt him and Dean just didn’t know if he could trust his nightmares to stay in his head anymore, like they were seeping through the cracks and haunting his waking hours.

Dean took a deep breath and calmed himself. “I was too dependent on you.” He admitted. “I think we should just stay away from each other.”

“ _Dean_ , don’t do this again.” Cas almost pleaded. “You’ve said all of this already, I don’t need to hear it again. _I love you_.” The words stung Dean a little, like he didn’t deserve them now.

“I love you too, I do. I just think we need to be apart, you’re too good for me.” Cas laughed at that and Dean waved for him to be quiet. “No, I mean you’re _too_ good for me. You help too much; I’m forgetting how to help myself. I need to be on my own, I need to figure this out by myself.”

“Dean, I want to help you get through this.”

“I know. I want you to help me, but I _need_ to stop waiting for you to come and fix me.”

The next few weeks dragged on for Dean. At first his nightmares were becoming worse and he was barely sleeping at all. So, Jo made him an appointment with a doctor and Dean was referred to a shrink.

John tried his best to be at home more once Jo explained the situation to him. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t noticed Dean’s problems but how much could he have seen from out of town.

Castiel had left Dean’s house the night of their official breakup and Dean hadn’t spoken to him since. He thought that was the way he wanted it. He missed Cas more than he thought he could ever miss someone who only lived a few neighbourhoods over. He saw him occasionally at school, when he bothered to show up, and Dean took comfort in the fact that he seemed happy.

Dean was getting happier, too.

By the time February rolled around, Dean was feeling like a million dollars. Jo had convinced him to apply to a college in New York with a great education program and she spent all of her free time tutoring Dean. His grades were improving drastically and with help from his therapist, he was lucky enough to only get a really bad nightmare once every four or five days.

It was those days he missed Cas the most, though. He’d wake up in a sweat and wish for the warmth of Castiel’s body beside him, his gentle fingers at the nape of his neck and his soft lips helping him to remember what it felt like to be safe. But it was never there. He was always alone.

He’d thought about texting him a few times, just to ask how he was doing. Except, every time he saw Cas’ name on his screen he felt like he wanted to cry, so he avoided it.

Dean hadn’t taken a single pill since Jo cleaned out his room, not even a measly aspirin. He felt like he was in control of his body again, like he didn’t need anything to keep him on his feet.

“Hey, Dean-O!”

Dean slammed his locker closed and spun around to face Benny.

“What’s up?”

“I just wanted to inform you of a slight, minor kind of issue we have decided it is time to discuss with you.” Benny drawled.

Dean nodded for him to continue.

“Well, see, it involves the Fall Out Boy concert …”

Dean sighed and hit his head against the locker. He had completely forgotten about the gift his friends bought Cas for Christmas. The concert was in three days and he had no choice but to go … maybe Cas would forget.

“Cas said that he’s fine goin’ with ya. ‘Said he wants t’be friends.”

Damn. Well he didn’t have a choice.

Dean smiled and told Benny it was all fine, there was nothing keeping him from being civil with Cas.

 

The concert was amazing!

Dean didn’t even have to speak to Cas once. He should have known that taking him to see his favourite band would result in him just ignoring everyone for the whole night so that he could stare at Pete Wentz dripping with sweat on stage.

Cas had been in his element. Dean had caught himself staring more than enough times, the way his eyes lit up beneath the strobes and how the smile on his face never faltered once throughout the whole show. He sang loudly and out of tune – as always – and screamed at every interval. By the end of the night, his black hair was stuck to his forehead with sweat, his eyes were ecstatic and he was just radiating joy.

Dean wanted nothing more than to be near him. To kiss that stupid smile off his face just so he could feel it against his mouth before it disappeared. He listened to Cas recalling the best moments of the concert the entire walk back to the cars, physically bouncing with excitement with his fingers entwined with Charlie’s.

The size of their group put enough distance between Dean and Castiel so that they didn’t even have to stand next to each other on the sidewalk. Dean spent most of the night singing the wrong lyrics to various songs along with Ash, the two of them linking hands above their heads and screaming in each other’s sweat-slick faces.

The night had been a success.

However, something was eating Dean up when he got home.

He’d tried so hard to fall asleep, his body still buzzing in the afterglow of the concert and his mind recalling the most fun parts, leaving his lips frozen in a smile.

When he’d finally managed to force himself to sleep, it wasn’t for long at all.

Fire lapped at his skin, peeling it away with excruciating agony. Dean tried to scream, tried to make any sound at all but nothing would come out. His lips were burning, the skin melting from them as the fire surrounded him, eating him alive. Then he was fine.

Then he was in a field, surrounded by a circle of trees lying flat on the ground instead of standing upright. Like a nuke had gone off and taken out the entire forest. Then suddenly the ground was opening and Dean was sucked under, the dirt invading his nose and throat and suffocating him. If he could breathe, he’d have screamed when the hooks pierced his flesh, suspending him in lightning by his legs and his arms. He could taste iron and soil and sweat. Then there was the fire again, following him up from the ground like he was a hog on a spit.

He wanted to scream. He needed to scream.

Dean swallowed the dirt in his throat and forced his lungs to obey.

“ _Sammy_!” He screamed, his voice trembling with pure fear. “ _Sam! Help me! Sam_!”

“Dean!” a voice said, and Dean could feel hands on his shoulders, shaking him. “Dean, wake up!”

Dean sat up in a panic, panting and tangled in sweat-soaked sheets.

“Sammy?” He whispered, recognising his brother sitting in front of him on the bed.

“You were having a nightmare.” Sam explained, releasing a breath of relief and pushing a hand through his overgrown hair.

Dean swallowed thickly, he was thirsty.

“I was … I thought -”

“Don’t try to explain.” Sam placed a comforting hand on his brother’s shoulder. “You’re okay now.”

Dean wiped the sweat from his brow and turned to pull the poster away from the wall before stopping himself. _Oh yeah._

“Sam?”

“Yeah, Dean?”

“Will you stay with me? Please.” Dean’s voice was soft and desperate.

Sam flashed a kind, goofy smile and clambered under the covers, nuzzling into his big brother’s chest. Dean wrapped his arm around Sammy, pulling him close like he would when they were kids and Sammy had had a nightmare, only this time it was Sam keeping Dean safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me some lovin' down below.
> 
> Tell me what sucked! Tell me what was okay! Tell me your dog's name!
> 
> I love your comments.
> 
> See you soon!


End file.
